Please give me some hope!! Positive post divorce stories/feelings please...

[Feelinghopeless999]

I posted this on the Relationships board last week but I think it might have been better to post it here (I have no idea how to move it across!) Please help....

I am currently very close to calling it a day with DH after many years of disconnection and misery. I’m not unhappy with our life (great kids, great house, enough money, etc) but our actual relationship has been dead in the water for years.

I have spent some time on mumsnet recently looking at others stories, researching stuff on divorce, etc. But all I feel is despair! I feel like maybe he’s not so bad compared to all the lying cheating NP men there seem to be out there! Or am I destined to be alone forever? (In some ways that sounds kind of great!) Or am I destined to become utterly jaded by OLD which sounds horrendous!!

Just to be clear, at this point dating or ever living with another man is the furthest thing from my mind. But at the same time how miserable it ‘seems’ to be on the other side of the divorce fence is not making me want to leave the easy and comfortable life I have here (even if my relationship is miserable).

I need you positive post-divorce or post LTR stories please!! Especially how the kids have got through it, etc. Please give me the hope I need to make a confident decision about the future! Thanks MNetters! star

I think you’ll both have to go to counselling. Try and make things work first. Then if it doesn’t help you both, at least you can say you tried.

I walked out of my dh 18 months ago, and if I have one regret, it’s not trying to make things better with him first. But I’m doing fine, and I don’t miss him.

Hi. I would take some time to see if you can get things back on track first. Like you say, he isn't a bad guy but you're unhappy so something needs to give.

Have you actually sat and spoken to him about how you feel? Can you work out what it is about the relationship that makes you unhappy (lack of sex, lack of affection, lack of attraction, not getting enough time together, the way he is with helping out around the house etc)?

It might sound silly but maybe sit with a piece of paper and write down the things that are making you unhappy then write down the things that make you happy. Then go to your husband and say 'these are the things that make me happy/unhappy and I feel we need to work on these for our marriage to survive'. As in most marriages where it's more a dead relationship than any wrong doing, people often don't know they aren't making their partner happy or doing things to drive them away. Giving them a chance to make you happy is a good step but once you've outlined things and given it time and you're still unhappy, then separating is the best way forward.

Best of luck :)

Counselling as well as talking does he know is he even aware.Please don’t spend too much time on this chat area.
Try and make it work if you can

We tried counselling a couple of years ago, we had a couple of sessions together and a couple separate and came to the conclusion I should leave him but I panicked about not seeing the kids everyday and decided to see if I could make it better. But here I still am two years later and nothing has really changed...! Although I feel much stronger and happier in myself than I did a couple of years ago.

There are a lot of communication issues, zero sex, etc. TBH the only thing that is keeping me here is the kids and the fear of going through a divorce/what’s in my future post-divorce...pathetic I know!!

Hi. DH and I separated about 5 months ago. Fairly amicable; I did discover he was having an affair, however, I'd been considering leaving him for nearly 3 years before that.

He moved out 7 weeks ago. It's been great. I LOVE being separated from him, should have done it 3 years ago. I just love being able to make decisions myself, as we rarely agreed about anything ( home furnishings, holidays, money, etc.) I genuinely feel like I've found myself again.

I thought it would be much more difficult. I'm developing my DIY skills, bought a drill, tool kit etc. Loving my independence and it's really boosted my confidence.

We have 2 DC, 8 and 6. They of course were my big concern and the main reason I hadn't left him earlier. I shouldn't have worried. They are absolutely fine. We didn't make a big deal of it, just told them mummy and daddy didn't want to live together anymore, and stressed the fun bits (sleepovers with Daddy, 2 bedrooms,etc.) To my amazement they have accepted this without question. There hasn't been a single tear. We all seem much happier. I think it helps that DH and I are amicable; I've had to swallow some unreasonable stuff from him in order to maintain this, but it's absolutely worth it for the DC's sake.

Another massive benefit has been actually getting time to myself. DH has them every other weekend. When we were together he would NEVER have them on his own, so I didn't get any time at all to myself, as I work full time too.

I hope my story helps to

Thanks @theroadtohell1, my kids are similar ages to yours so it’s reassuring that if amicable there’s a good chance they will come through this ok :-)

Making all my own decisions sounds heavenly!! (We row about anything and everything too, it’s exhausting when every conversation turns into a long debate zzzzz).

Thanks so much, you’ve really perked me up xxxx