Loveless marriage - stay or go - which is best for the kids?

[Losingmygoddammmind]

Hi everyone, first post, a long time lurker here :-)

I share a similar story to lots of people on here, and I slowly feel like I’m losing my mind in a state of permanent indecision over what is best to do in my situation...is it better to stay in a loveless and sexless marriage for the sake of the kids (and defer my own happiness until they are older) or leave for the sake of the kids (to hopefully find a healthy relationship to model what healthy love looks like)....

I am 36, been married 9 years, 2DCs (7&4). I have been pretty miserable on and off for the past 6 years although we have a great life on paper (great house, good jobs, plenty of holidays). I can’t pin point exactly how the misery started but I think deep down I know we have always been incompatible, and I think those differences have become more and more obvious and pronounced as the years have gone on... after a lot of soul searching over the last couple of years I think I married him because he was a ‘good man’ ie decent job, would never cheat, not lazy around the house, etc. There was an initial spark but never much physical attraction and the sex pretty much died to next to nothing after a year or two. I consoled myself with thinking I could gone on because he was a ‘good man’ and a great father but I think the last two years I’m really starting to lose my mind over it!

I think I reached rock bottom a few years ago when my youngest was about 18mths old, I was just completely numb. Not angry, not sad, just utterly numb. I even felt that way about the kids sometimes (which I hate myself for now). After a holiday 2 years ago where things kind of came to a head we discussed how I felt about everything, and we decided to try marriage counselling. The councillor seemed to side with him (he played the victim totally) and when we had a session on our own she kind of told me to leave him, I found the whole thing a bit weird and unhelpful really! In hindsight I felt like everyone was forcing me to make a decision I wasn’t ready to make yet.

I decided to really give it another go and things were better for a while, he stopped being as miserable and robotic and tried to improve things in the bedroom department (he has premature ejactulation issues so thing are never going to be dynamite in that respect) but it’s all fallen by the wayside now and we are back to him basically ignoring me the majority of the time, working away all the time, being a miserable fun sponge and making zero effort in the bedroom.

I know what the answer is..leave. But it just feels so unfair on the kids, I feel like i’m making the decision to only see my kids 50% of the time (he would fight me in court if I suggested anything less) and that kind of kills me.

One thing that really make me stop and think a few days ago was when I was chatting with my 7yr old DS and we were talking about how much we loved each other then he said “daddy doesn’t love you”, I said “why do you say that” and he said “because he always shouts at you” - wow kids really do pick up on stuff!!! (He isn’t abusive btw! Just miserable) It really made me stop and think am I modelling a terrible version of love for my kids?

Apologies for the rant, I just feel like i’m going around the bend with it all? He’s essentially a decent man, good dad, nice enough apart from being grumpy/miserable why can’t I just make myself love him? Argh!!

Thanks xxxx

Well you could basically be me!!! Same situation no abuse, nice man, good job and home,holidays etc and I just feel so guilty. He's done nothing wrong so I feel horrible about it. But when the sexual attraction is gone, it's gone. You guys aren't even getting along! But I know how you feel....it took a while to get to the point where I knew I had to leave. I saw a few different counsellors but it didn't crystallise anything for me and I dithered a lot but you will get to the point you can make a decision on this. One day you will just know. Although I think you already do know don't you! All I would say is it's a lot easier when the children are younger as they are more flexible! My children see no arguing now and are happy that mummy and daddy are friends again.

I also could have written this. Although perhaps things could be better financially..i have no words to offer as I don't know myself. I have a book arriving today, Too good to leave, Too bad to stay..hoping it helps!

I've heard of that book with good reviews but not read it myself. I think generally you can fix a lot in a marriage...but not if the attraction has gone so I guess it's whether it's that or not.

Something a friend told me when I was in your situation helped solidify my feelings.
In the future if your daughter was in your situation. Would you expect her to put up with it?
Also book mentioned above by @humanswarm is defiantly worth a read.
Good Luck

Yes, I'm with you on the attraction. There is over a decade age gap here, it's difficult. I'll let you know how the book goes. Just hoping it arrives before he finishes work!

Oh god leave. Honestly that sounds awful. I would either along with you if he was kind to you but there just wasn’t a sexual connection between you, but he sounds emotionally abusive, your kids are picking up on it, you need to start planning to gond figure out what they would look like.

*and

Oh god leave. Honestly that sounds awful.

I would dither along with you if he was kind to you but there just wasn’t a sexual connection between you, but he sounds emotionally abusive. Your kids are picking up on it, you need to start planning and figure out what they would look like.

It is almost easier when you can look and see things that would force you to leave, ie violence. The guilt will be there for the reasons you describe but sadly it will not get better, your misery will get worse and the kids will realise this more and more as you get older.

If you can, then make the break. It will be tough as many have found but at least you will be able to find yourself. At some point you may move into another relationship and you will rediscover the delight of attraction and sex, mixed with the other qualities. Just try to avoid going to the other extreme and getting a 'bad boy'😆

You go life gives you only one chance tick tock tick tock

From a child's perspective, I was deeply affected by my parents awful marriage.

My parents were and are deeply incompatible and miserable.
They should never have married, but almost 40 years later here we are. Too lazy to divorce.
They drink, and both are miserable and bitter, STILL over sharing their problems with me about each other and trying to get me to take sides.
I literally stick my fingers in my ears and shout lalala at them. To be fair they've more or less got the message now...

Your husband doesn't actually sound that nice, and I think this would come out when you divorce. Don't assume he will get 50/50 custody of the children although he can try.

Like the PP said, time is ticking. Sure, life will be hard for a few years whilst it's all being thrashed out, but you and your children will ultimately end up more damaged in the long run should you stay. Don't end up being a miserable old arsehole!

"The councillor seemed to side with him (he played the victim totally) and when we had a session on our own she kind of told me to leave him, I found the whole thing a bit weird and unhelpful really! "

Counsellors should not be telling you what to do.

What your son said is really sad.

Personally, if your finances can be sorted so you and DC are not being left with hardly any money, I’d separate.

Better for you to be happy (you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted) and for your DC to have a happier mum and dad.

If finances won’t allow right now, what can you do to improve this situation? More hours at work, retrain, change jobs?

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay is a great book. It talks alot about relationship ambivalence, and physically leaving a relationship that you have already emotionally checked out of.
I was given some great advice recently - that it is better to leave now while you are still on amicable terms with your partner. And I can see why. With such massive practicalities to consider when a marriage breaks down with kids/house etc, how impossible would it be if you were no longer on speaking terms. I can't think of anything more stressful.

Superheroes - your comment about getting to a point where you will know what to do - that resonated with me, thank you.