How did you tell your DC(s)?

[bushes]

I've done lots of reading online but it seems that most advice is fairly generic and I'm struggling to find the actual words to use to tell 8yo DS that H and I are separating.

What did you say to your kids? Thanks in advance to anyone happy to share.

It’s all a bit of a blur, as I was so nervous, but it was something along the lines of ‘mummy and daddy aren’t getting on very well and we think we’d be happier living apart so daddy is going to move out.’ Did all the reassurances of telling them we still love them and they will be able to go for sleepovers at daddy’s, etc. When they asked more questions we tried to explain that we had grown apart and didn’t want to be married to each other anymore.

They are still finding it hard though as we never really argued or screamed and shouted at each other so I think they struggle to understand. I can’t tell them the real reason (his affair) as they are too young.

Mine were 5 and 7 and we said that mummy and daddy have decided not to live together any more. The book Mum and Dad Glue was really useful and my 7yo in particular wanted it a lot. Bizarrely they've never asked why, 4 months down the line. I moved out so we said that was happening and they'd have two homes. We call them home1 and home2. And we did it together - in the library so it was neutral and they could go off and read etc if they wanted to process it all.

To be honest, they weren't that fazed at that point and ds actually thought it was temporary...so be prepared to have to repeat it all a few days later. Good luck

That is so helpful, thank you both

It's such a daunting thing to have to do and I'm desperate to get the words right.

We said we had something we needed to tell them and got them to come into the front room, at first they asked if it was good news and I said no so they then anticipated something not so good anyway. I did all the talking and said something like mummy and daddy don't make each other happy anymore and we are getting divorced or splitting up, can't remember the exact words I used. We also didn't scream and shout etc so I think they've struggled to understand why. Further down the line I've had to tell 11 year old that I don't love his dad, which is part of the reason why. I think he understands that more tbh. Mine are 11 and 8

I did it by myself as ex couldn't face it and it was hard to hold it together tbh with their little faces looking up at you. But I just said that mummy and daddy aren't being very good friends anymore and daddy is going to get a new house and you will have a new bedroom and a new bed etc and you can have sleepover etc when you want. They took it very well and saw it as getting more not a negative thing. I read the book 'Two Nests' to them which helped too. They are too little to understand why but just give the information they can cope with and answer more questions as they arise. If they see you being ok they will be too

I’m lucky mine are in 20s youngest severe Autistic.
Mine were begging me to end it.when I finally told them I had gotten a lawyer.you could visibly see the relief in their eyes.They are more excited for me than I am for myself.

Whatever you say however you put it they will be upset. My STBXH left yesterday and we told the children before. We said that mummy and daddy loved them, but that we didn’t love each other any more and that daddy would be going to stay somewhere else, that would be the only change (I do everything for and with them and he works shifts) they were very upset yesterday and angry and I just reassured them that we both love them, that it will be ok and more importantly it was ok to feel sad or angry or both. Hope it goes well

All great advice above. I would also add telling them that it is not their fault and that love between adults changes sometimes because of the adults.... and that it is different from the love parents have for children, which never ever changes.

@BraveGoldie that’s really good advice! My girls have mentioned they think it was something they did, it’s so hard to explain but I think just keep reassuring them it will be ok, we’ll thats what I’m hoping anyway!

Ah yes, my eldest also assumed it was him and something he had done, or they both had done. Lots of reassurance that is between the adults and nothing the children did to cause it.

The book I mentioned, mum and dad glue, directly addresses the issue of kids blaming themselves.

This is all such great advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.