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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

How to get controlling ExH off my back

20 replies

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 12:43

Have been divorced for over 8 years and remarried a year ago. Have a 16 YO daughter with ex. Marriage was emotionally abusive and he was very controlling. I lost all self esteem because of the way he treated me and I still feel a bit damaged from that relationship.

I very much try and keep contact with the ex to what's absolutely essential, ie arrangements for our daughter. He still speaks to me like I'm nothing and is very 'critical parent'. In the last year or so I've been trying to encourage DD to make arrangements with him so that I don't have to deal with him. He doesn't like this - says I have to ask him about everything. Basically he uses any excuse to bombard me with texts/emails/Whatsapps. Yesterday when I was working I had about 8 emails to my work address despite me asking him not to use it. This morning I've been bombarded again as DD wasn't answering her messages (she's just back from Florida and was asleep, jetlagged). It's like he just can't leave me alone to get on with my life. I've tried blocking him but then he calls me childish and pathetic. He won't accept that what he's doing is unacceptable.

I know that as the father of my child I have to have some contact with him, but how do I keep that to a minimum? I dread getting a message from him as it's almost always critical and abusive. Advice please!

OP posts:
MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 14:01

Anyone?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 27/07/2019 14:08

It's tricky as I'm afraid you've let this go on for so long. I have an abusive ex so I know what it's like but it could have been handled better.

You need to ignore him. What's he going to do about it? Or tell him you will only answer emails on one day per week.

Your DD is old enough to take on communication with him.

Don't let him get to you. That way he's succeeding.

Doyoumind · 27/07/2019 14:09

Block him on WhatsApp too.

drinkswineoutofamug · 27/07/2019 14:10

Hiya, I have no experience of this and hopefully some will come along and advise.
I was going to say to block him but I see you have already tried.
Could you possibly get a cheap phone with a sim an give him that number to contact you about your daughter?
You can switch it on and read once a week if needs be.
I would block him on your work emails and if he starts being an arse tell him new company policy 🤷🏻‍♀️
The fact you daughter doesn't communicate with him also speaks volumes.
Sorry if not much help.

Yorkiebar71 · 27/07/2019 14:10

Sounds like my ex! He is blocked on everything my DD is 14 and old enough to discuss arrangements with him. He called me pathetic for blocking him but it's more difficult now he can only insult me via DD and she tells him to stop.

Doyoumind · 27/07/2019 14:11

And it doesn't matter if he says you are childish for blocking him. You aren't. He's just pissed off. Do it and let him be pissed off. You've pandered to him for too long. He won't ever agree he's unreasonable and you are right so don't wait for him to.

LemonSqueezy0 · 27/07/2019 14:13

Block him from your work email. If you have to say they are cracking down on any personal emails. Set it up so it gets an out of office response sayings it's been quarentined for now and will be passed on if relevant. He may be embarrassed someone else is reading his bullying emails...

I assume your DD is of an age where they can reasonably deal with him themselves? If so then just rinse and repeat that you'll have to check with DD what her plans are etc. Just grey rock it. Don't get drawn in. Gather a few stock responses, minimal wording eg I'll check with DD what her plans are...Ill forward that to DD so she can let you know.... What has DD said about it? And so on.anything he sends just acknowledge receipt, and say one of the phrases.

Does he try to bully her as well though? You may have to change this slightly if all you are doing is leaving her at his mercy. Often though NRP don't bully their children, they save that for the Ex...

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 14:13

Thanks for the replies. TBH I haven't purposely let it go on so long, have tried for years to hold him at arm's length but he just won't listen to reason.

He's blocked on Whatsapp. And if he starts being an arse I block his texts as well. Buy then he just emails abuse! DD has been back at my house for less than 24hrs after a 10 day holiday and he just won't leave either of us alone. Knob!

OP posts:
sackrifice · 27/07/2019 14:14

Who cares if he says you are childish?

Block and block and let him arrange things with his daughter. She is 16 now, they can make their own arrangements.

outofnothing · 27/07/2019 14:14

Can you block him on your work email?

LemonSqueezy0 · 27/07/2019 14:15

Also, look after yourself. Have you considered any counselling?

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 14:16

Does he try to bully her as well though? You may have to change this slightly if all you are doing is leaving her at his mercy.

He does unfortunately. She stands up to him but it causes massive rows. I'm at a loss as to why she still wants to see him but he is her dad I guess. That's why I feel I need a bit more involvement but I hate dealing with him.

OP posts:
outofnothing · 27/07/2019 14:17

Sorry I've just repeated what everyone else has said. He does sound a pest and you've been very patient. Time for a tougher stance with him now. Go for it!

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 14:17

Have set up work email so anything from him goes into spam after yesterday.

Haven't had counseling, no. My new husband is very good and has helped me through it massively.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 27/07/2019 14:18

I would seriously consider cutting all contact from both you and DD. 16 she is old enough and he is abusive.

WankeyDoodle · 27/07/2019 14:23

Hi,

I blocked ex from contacting me on any of my personal emails/phones. There is a separate cheap handset only he has the number for which I only turn on when kids are with him. Having a contact email has been liberating, I only check it when I want to.

It's massively helped streamline communication and means he can't have my instant attention when he's looking to upset things. Best thing I've ever done!

Good luck op and remember you don't have to reply to everything he says. Only wants relevant and important. Also don't display any emotions in communications, just stick to facts. The less you give the less he has to manipulate

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 14:29

This is all massively helpful, thank you. I think part of the problem is that I still allow his twattish behaviour to wind me up and I need to stop doing this as he feeds off it.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 27/07/2019 14:44

Basically ignore, ignore, ignore.

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/07/2019 17:10

My new DP and I have a joint email account. ExH can only use that account to contact me it has stopped most of this behaviour as he knows DP reads it to and will call him out on bad behaviour.

MichelleC69 · 27/07/2019 17:21

Ooh that's a bloody great idea @Lonecatwithkitten - thanks!!

OP posts:
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