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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Early stages of separating due to DH affair - tricky house situation

28 replies

fixuplooksharp · 27/07/2019 09:19

So, never thought I’d be writing this. Here goes...
I recently found out my husband had been having an affair (while I was pregnant at one stage) and had previously had a one night stand. To say I’m shocked is an understatement, it’s so hard to take in. I can’t go on with him, it’s too much and I feel like he isn’t the person I married 13 years ago. We have 3 DC (11,7,3) and the thought of hurting them is just hideous.
We need to sort out living arrangements, the house situation is a really tricky one, it’s a family house on family land (his family) and due to tax etc his Dad still has a percentage of the house. My name is not on the mortgage or title deeds and it can’t be sold.
So, we (he) still have a mortgage, he can’t afford to go and rent anywhere and pay the mortgage on the family home. I know I would probably get help to rent somewhere but I feel like I’m starting from scratch with nothing, I won’t be able to get a mortgage and don’t have a deposit to rent, all this seems so unfair when until recently I thought I was in a happy marriage and none of this is my fault.
Any help or advice gratefully received, thank you

OP posts:

LemonTT · 27/07/2019 09:32

It can be sold otherwise you / he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage. They just don’t want it sold. If so then they need to buy you out.

Go and see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to. It will be a share of the house. You need to get copies of the mortgage and title deeds and any documents associated with his fathers share.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 27/07/2019 09:42

Yes you’re right, it would have to be a buy out, but what happens if there isn’t the money for them to do that? They literally won’t sell and to be honest I have too much respect for his Dad and family to enforce that, it has been in the family forever. I get that I need to be secure for my children etc but this is just such a difficult situation

OP posts:

katmarie · 27/07/2019 10:56

If it's possible to mortgage it then he and his dad will need to remortgage it to buy you out. Dont be so sympathetic to his parents that it's to the detriment of you and your kids.

Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 10:58

Have you spoke to his Dad? I doubt they want their grandchildren homeless.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/07/2019 11:02

This sounds awful but you need to put your children's feeling before you in-laws feelings. Your children need stability, why do you need to leave and not your husband?

AnotherEmma · 27/07/2019 11:03

Which country do you live in? (if UK is it England/Scotland/Wales/NI?) this makes a difference to your legal rights.

Assuming you're in England (and I think this applies in Wales too), the first thing you need to do is register your matrimonial home rights at www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce

The next thing you need to do is get legal advice. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation. And the Advicenow website is a very helpful source of information and advice to arm yourself with.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 27/07/2019 11:14

Thank you all.
I’m in England. He could leave but can’t afford to rent anywhere, unless I cover the mortgage payments on the family home, which are quite high, and then my future here is uncertain because as some stage I guess i’d have to move out, as it’s not technically mine. What a mess!!!!
I wish I didn’t have to think about all of this while I’m busy trying not to fall apart in front of the children and keeping everything as normal as possible for them.
I will sit and chat to his Dad, we get on really well so it help, I’m not the best at talking when I’m upset about anything as I don’t like to show my emotions. Stupid I know, but it’s easier to slap a brave face on and crack on, especially with children. I just want them to be happy (and me) and have a lovely happy life

OP posts:

LemonTT · 27/07/2019 11:26

OP, legally and technically the house is in part a marital asset. Both you and your husband have a claim on equity (less your FILs supposed interest). If you are caring for the children then your claim will be greater.

If you decide to divorce your children need you to secure your share so they have a secure home. The children are not able to do this themselves. Your husband can work. His father can work. You cannot work and look after a 3 year old.

Your problem is different from theirs. It is securing enough capital and maintenance to look after your children on your own.

Your ex should be looking for a settlement that provides him with a home for him and the children too.

Selling the house may be the only way to do it. If your ex and his father want to keep it in the family then they need to buy you out of your claim. That is there problem to solve not yours.

The only way these people are “lovely” and family orientated is if they put the interests of the children before their need to keep some land and a building.

Do not talk to his dad. Talk to a solicitor.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/07/2019 11:28

Perhaps staying there will be fairly short term, just the next 6 months or so would give you time to plan a move. It sounds like the family home will need to be sold eventually so that you both have a suitable place to live. Good luck with the chat with your FIL.

AnotherEmma · 27/07/2019 11:45

Get legal advice before you talk to him.
Do you both work atm? Do you have savings or debts (individual and/or joint)? What about pensions?
There is a lot to consider when working out a fair financial settlement.

AnotherEmma · 27/07/2019 11:47

"You cannot work and look after a 3 year old."

Well that's news to me, every other working parent of a 3yo (well my DS is 2 but it's the same principle), and also the DWP since Universal Credit claimants are expected to work or look for work if their youngest child is 3.

MrsSpenserGregson · 27/07/2019 11:49

You poor thing OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But the other posters are right - you need to get tough now and secure your children's (and your) future.

Don't talk to your FIL. When the chips are down, he will side with his son. I would. You would. Any parent would.

You need to talk to a solicitor. If the house needs to be sold, that's on your husband, not on you. He's the one who caused this situation.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 27/07/2019 12:00

Thank you everyone! I do work, I am self employed and don’t earn a fortune as I work around the children’s school/preschool times. My husband works full time. There are no savings or pensions (apart from on old pension of mine but it’s only £3k)
I know I need to be tough, and I think I know the answers, as you have all said, but needed to hear it iyswim
It’s just that the situation will get sticky and awkward and I just wish there was another way.
My husband is sorry etc etc and wants me to stay with him, but I can’t, I have more self respect, too many lies and too much dishonesty, I would never trust him again and can’t look at him in the same way.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 27/07/2019 12:05

You are doing the right thing even though it's painful. Please try not to feel guilty even though he will try to make you. This is all on him.

Mythreefavouritethings · 27/07/2019 12:08

Nothing of value to add re the practicalities but I think I would feel the same as you. I wish you and your DC happiness and love, you sound strong but I hope you have a lot of support as it’s not just about the brave face. Pride, self-worth and peace of mind will be the reward.

Wallywobbles · 27/07/2019 12:49

You do need to see a solicitor to be honest. In the meantime you need to sit down and work out what you and the kids need and then after discussion with a solicitor you need the discussion with his Dad. It'll all take time I'm afraid but there are no wise shortcuts.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 28/07/2019 22:20

AnotherEmma- thank you so much for all your comments and advice, it’s always helpful to hear it from others. I really appreciate it

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 29/07/2019 13:23

You're welcome. Good luck. And remember the priority is a stable home for your children. Your ex and his family should consider that - the courts certainly will.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 29/07/2019 14:43

Thank you. Such a tough situation, I wish it didn’t have to be like this, he’s not helping to move forward because he wants to stay together! Not an option for me after what he has done. Still hurts though

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 29/07/2019 15:04

Just remember that you didn't cause this situation, he did.

No matter how sticky it gets it's all a result of his behaviour. Don't accept any blame or guilt for that.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 29/07/2019 21:30

MadeForThis - thank you

OP posts:

MammaBot211 · 30/07/2019 01:18

Oh @fixuplooksharp i am so sorry. Sending you a online hug.

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 30/07/2019 11:31

mammabot211 thank you, it’s so sad! Then the awkward conversations and children, I hate it

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 01/08/2019 14:24

It’s so unfair when your hands are forced.All due to a shag and that I’m sure didnt last max of more than 10 mins.
Sending you hugs are you very sure you want an end to this marriage or do you think you could still make a go off it

Original poster

fixuplooksharp · 01/08/2019 21:16

palaver1 Thank you 😊 I thought about giving it a go but I just don’t think I can. In my eyes he has always been a fantastic husband and father to our children, everyone is as shocked as I am. He has been with one girl, who I know, 3 times, once while I was pregnant, had a one night stand with someone else a few years ago while on a night out and been messaging a couple more. I found all of this out in one go. I just don’t think I can let it go and ever trust him again. It’s hard because all that time we have been living a really happy life. I have no idea why he would do it and he is now devastated that I don’t want to be with him, but IMO he should have thought about that, how don’t people think the consequences through??

OP posts:

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