To want my child to stay with a parent?

[Summerholidaysjoy]

I am getting increasingly frustrated by finding out that on the nights that my ex has our DD, she is staying at his Mum’s overnight rather than with her Dad.

The frequency is getting to be nearly 50% of the time he has her.

AIBU? Is it his time to do what he likes with or that I’d rather she is with a parent & if he can’t be bothered / has childcare issues, she should be with me?

I’d be annoyed too. As a parent it’s hard enough to be separated from your child so the other parent can have their access time. But then your child is being dumped with someone else! And you wonder why are you being separated from your child for no reason.

I feel for you. My ex took me to court for 50/50 access (week in/week off) it’s hell and I don’t know how I will cope with it just being this way until they are adults but nothing gets me as much as the fact that they are quite often with other family members when in “his” care, it’s wrong, occasionally I get of course, but the regularity is just a joke.

What would he say if the boot was on the other foot? I have 50/50 for teenage DD. DS is an adult now and chooses to stick with his dad. It seems she can be home alone at his but it's unreasonable of me to let her do the same at mine. When questioned the difference is that she has the cat there (he kept fmh, I rent). No issue with teens being alone for a few hours but the idea that the cat is a good babysitter is hilarious 🤣🤣

It's up to him what happens (unless his mum is a criminal or something who's not allowed contact)

Does Dad work nights?

Does your dd and her Dad stay at his mum's?

Did dd see her paternal gran regularly when you were with her Dad? Visits to grandparents are facilitated by the person that the grandparent is related to so he has to organise time between your dd and her.

Why is she staying there? There's a world of difference between this being a childcare arrangement while he works (with him there with her before he leaves, and there again when she wakes up in the morning), and him choosing to fob her off while he goes socialising.

He doesn’t work nights, it’s purely for his convenience.

I believe it’s just because he can’t be arsed making the effort which I find sad.

There’s been weeks where he only has her for one night & that night my DD stays at her Granny’s.

Does she like going to her grans that the most important question.

The bottom line is that it is his time, and he decides what happens.

You wouldn't like it if he tried to interfere with your parenting choices, because he thought something else would be better.

His choices are not ones you would make, but they are not unusual or unsafe ones. You need to come to terms, fully and wholeheartedly, with the concept that in his time he is the parent in charge. Tough I know, but it has to be done.

"I believe it’s just because he can’t be arsed making the effort which I find sad"

You do not know this as fact, and holding beliefs which make you sad is not good for your well-being.

Even if you cannot rid yourself of unhelpful thoughts, please be very careful you do not transmit them to your DC

Is it an informal arrangement or is there a court order?

It is an informal agreement, no court order.

Yes, she likes going to her gran’s.

I just would prefer to have her at home if her Dad isn’t going to see her - which is the reason he has access in my opinion?

To me, if you can’t have your child when it’s your time to have her, you should let the other parent know so they have the option of more time with their child rather than farming them out?

Well, if it's an informal arrangement you can tell him you want to change it.

However, you should definitely consider the fact that she likes going to her gran's.

How many nights a week is she officially with him? You say about half of those she is actually with her gran. Just trying to work out how often it happens. Is about 2/3 nights a month?

Is he paying you maintenance btw? Just wondering if wants to keep the "official" overnights (even though she is with her gran and not actually with him) to avoid paying more.

My ex does the same.
I don't get too worked up about it now because if I made a fuss then he'd just dump them back with me and I wouldn't get any free time at all. Plus GPs are lovely, they have a great relationship.

I feel a bit sad for the DCs that he's not that involved and a bit rubbish but short of a time machine there's nothing much I can do about it.

One of the benefits of regular contact with Dad is the opportunity for the child to develop bonds with their father's extended family. Surely you can see it's in your child's best interests to be close to grandparents?

Yes, I think I will be suggesting that we change the current arrangement. I also think this is his way of trying to keep maintenance as low as possible.

I think it’s in my child’s best interests to spend the majority of her time with one of her parents & not staying over with grandparents on a near weekly basis will not stop her having a great relationship with them.

If you change the arrangement unilaterally, your ex may take you to court, and a judge can decide what's in your child's best interests.

My husband's ex tried to stipulate that DH should be present for all contact (including not working if he had his kids during the school holidays) and was laughed out of court.

My ex used to do this - when his parents were still alive he would palm DD off on them overnight so he could go out on the piss. They were elderly and she was bored stiff. I would be annoyed too.