50-50 or not - your experiences of settlements

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

What's your experience of going 50-50 or not?

We're only just separating. OH earns 10x what I do. I've been the homemaker and stay at home parent working part-time for over 20 years; we focused on OH's career. We both put similar cash amounts into the house originally - me a little more, but I realise this has little bearing in mediation. He can easily get a small mortgage, I cannot. He will get an inheritance, I will not. In fact financially he will be more than ok even if we went for a 60-40 split but I will struggle if I go 50-50 which I am being pressured to do. I need a home with a studio-workshop for work with 3 beds for 2 teenage kids, one who's at uni, but still needs a base in the holidays. We live in London where tiny 60's 3 bedders - which I happen to like, start at £599k, which is 50k more than 50-50 split. I've looked at 2 bedders with largish reception rooms for the workshop where DD would have to sleep too and it's pretty unworkable, the spaces are just so small. Or I move away from my work contacts and friends and live somewhere else? Panicking very badly here please help. We are going through Mediation over next few weeks months.

50:50 relies on honesty.
That's rare in most divorces I should imagine.

Consider costs too.
I was robbed

Thanks I have a lawyer . No one seems to be able to give a definitive reply though . All down to the judge . I just wondered what people thought when the situation is reversed as most posters are in different situation.

All down to the judge

Correct. Can be a lottery. In my case judge's decision at final hearing was nowhere near what was said at the FDR.

There isn't a difinitive reply. Each couple are individuals in the breakdown of their marriage.
My one piece of advice is don't rush anything. And don't believe himeverything.

Thanks - what do you mean by don t rush - it feels like it’s gone on forever already !

@Eddie1940 you are not at all the only one in this situation! Marriage is a very bad deal for women who bring assets to the marriage or earn more than their husbands. It’s only if benefit to the person who puts in the least.

It’s only if benefit to the person who puts in the least

Many husbands have said the same over the years. I don't think it is solely applicable to women.

Remember marriage is supposed to be a union of two persons (in some cases both partners are same gender). So logically there should be no discrimination on gender if the partnership fails.

Remember marriage is supposed to be a union of two persons (in some cases both partners are same gender). So logically there should be no discrimination on gender if the partnership fails.

What is the purpose of marriage? Why was such an inherently unfair arrangement originally devised? It’s mentioned in the prayer book marriage ceremony....ah yes, the purpose of marriage is to bring children into the world. The mixing of finances was intended to protect the children.

Originally a married woman’s income was taxed as a mere extension of her husband’s. Women couldn’t work outside the home anyway and the man was the traditional breadwinner. But times have changed and we are individuals in the tax system with our own tax returns and bank accounts. Did anyone in the family courts notice?

Some marriages have no children, some partners are same gender etc etc. Yet the financial “sharing” of resources continues. Why, I wonder, these days? It doesn’t strike me as terribly romantic to have a parasite permanently attached in a lovely dovey ceremony with a big dress.

A woman left with children to raise, to the detriment of her availability for work and the expenses involved in providing for a family, should surely be compensated for that. I see that. Same for a man in the same position.

But for a woman who is the main earner, being left with the kids, to lose the assets she has worked for and have to pay out to the husband (now living child-free), that seems a massive injustice. Same if the genders were reversed. But the trend is still for women to be the ones who retain most care of their kids.

The CMS money does not in any way make up for all the expenses of running a home or providing for children.

The courts favour 50:50 care. But first of all quite a lot of parents (majority dads) push off and can’t be bothered, leaving one to cope alone. Secondly, a lot of children would rather not be forced back to the care of the absentee just to save money. The stories of kids unhappy at being dragged off to see a parent just to save money are heartbreaking.

But the trend is still for women to be the ones who retain most care of their kids

The CMS money does not in any way make up for all the expenses of running a home or providing for children

The CMS calculation is based on what Government thinks is a fair amount based on what Paying Parent earns. Remember that paying parents are entitled to survive too. It would not be correct that paying parents are forced into hardship so that non paying parents could continue as though nothing had changed.

Rare for couples to split and lead the same lives as before as though there had been no divorce. In most cases they will have to adjust their lifestyles accordingly.

Remember that non paying parents are entitled to;

Child Benefit
Child Tax credit
Working Tax credit if applicable

None of the above sources of income, or what the receiving parent earns, are taken into account when CMS calculate Child Maintenance.

Likewise If child care is shared between parents the main carer is allowed to keep the full amount of Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit. There is no prorated payment made to the other parent.

Also there is no reduction in Child Maintenance payment if shared care does not exceed 51 nights per year and any time spent with relatives such as grandparents does not count at all.

Uncles ex wife arranges so the two boys are with father less than 52 nights per year and much of school holidays are spent with retired grandparents on both sides of the family. Mother has the two boys about 60% of the year, but receives child maintenance, child benefit and child tax credit as though she was looking after her children 365 nights per year.

Sound like she is doing well.

Friend recently got 70/30 in a similar situation to you, OP.

To OP

Every divorce is different. Be wary of any generalizations posted on MN or any other websites.

Yes my 70/30 comment was more to say don't settle at 50/50. Get advice as to what is more appropriate for you. There are usually forgotten assets too! That policy there, the pension worth more than expected etc..

Mine settlement was poor despite having s good solicitor as on paper it looked like there was nothing.

Married 13 years together 16. 2DC

I was a sahm he worked earning 6 figure salary (found this out during divorce proceeds) I did work full time when we first bought house. I did have part time jobs once DC started school but ex hated me working. So wasn’t worth it.

House was mortgaged £140k house worth £250k however he refused to let the valuers in and the one he did let in valued house at £170k

He had CC debts totalling £70k all matrimony things. He controlled finances and I had to ask for money. I didn’t even have my own bank account as he said wasn’t worth it as I wasn’t earning.

Deal was I signed house over to him he took on the debts solicitor said based on house value £170k it was worth it as I would have had to take on 1/2 debt as it was all stuff like holidays ect which I thought he was paying out via his salary.

When he produced his financial statement he was taking out £500 cash a week over 7 years as it was cash no record of where this was going. Day house was signed over to him it was on market for £250k and he sold it for £245k and despite him pleading bankruptcy to courts he managed to by a house worth £400k.

I was left with a solicitor bill totalling £30k (he was using a friend who didn’t charge him and he contested everything my solicitor put forward regarding finance and children we ended up in court) and I got a pension worth £25k from him and £10k financial settlement. On paper it looked like nothing was there he also pays nothing for the DCs he now works self employed and claims he has no money. Despite having the latest of everything.

I had to start again at times I’m so angry with it all but I’m glad I’m out of it.

My marriage isn't working out either.

Married 21 years, together 28. We have 2 DC under 14. I've been a SAHM 14 years. I know that looks really bad but before this I had a wonderful career and contributed massively to our property. I'e just got a p/t job but TBH I'm even struggling with this as I have absolutely no help from anyone and DH travels and stays away for work at least 10 nights every month. I'm desperate to get a job and be independent but honestly, its a struggle to do this with 2 DC and him not around.

Mortgage free, no debts and my DH earns £200K basic and £100 bonus on average. I know that looks loads but according to CMS I'd get less than 5% of his salary towards looking after my DC.

@goingtosnapsoon you will get half all the equity and savings and £1,250 a month from CMS. Plus anything you earn yourself. Not too shabby.

I agree a settlement in mediation this week. We both had solicitor input. EVERY case is different. In my case, 23 year marriage, 20 years at home (working pt) to raise 3 kids. Massive income difference now as a result (he earns 10x what I can). Equity 60/40 split (house, pensions, shares etc). Ongoing maintenance to meet my own needs for the next 10 years. I am walking away with enough money to buy a house mortgage free (3 bed as have 2 kids still at college/uni) and yes they are still considered to need a base at home, term time accommodation is not year round. I will somewhere to live, enough money to live on (also still working) and a pension fund to invest. I will not be as well off as him, I will never be rich and I won’t be jetting around the world when I retire. Emotionally the most difficult thing I have ever done, I have no idea how long, if ever, I will get over the loss I feel for what I had hoped my empty nest years and retirement with STBXH would be. Please get a good family solicitor, it is worth every penny. There are lots of urban myth is and misconceptions which fly around Regards settlements and family law. The 50/50 split and 5 year maintenance until you get back on your feet are example. It all depends on your circumstances and the history.