Son doesn't want to see Dad- what are my rights?

[dollypollywolly]

Hi there,

I'm just seeing if anyone has any advice for me as I'm so stressed and worried.
My 13 yr old son who has autism and learning difficulties has been expressing recently he does not want to visit his Dad anymore and that he is a bully and he has been coming home in tears time and time again.
It's gradually got worse over the past year or 2, since my ex moved in with his new girlfriend and as my son has become more anxious due to puberty kicking in.
There are a lot of safeguarding issues in very concerned about, including

• they let my son play on fruit machines and he has become obsessed with them
• their dog has bitten my son twice - he has a disability where he has fragile skin that doesn't heal properly
• they smoke drink and swear a lot around my son
• my ex and his girlfriend have no patience with my son with regards to his autism and anxiety and shout at him, and they have banned him from calling me when he is there if he is upset
• they let my son stay up in his room pretty much all weekend when they have him playing on the PlayStation and don't interact with him
• they feed him absolute rubbish, refuse to do his physio exercises with him telling them he has to do them himself (he can't)

There are other things that could go on and on but these are the worst.
I have tried to discuss my concerns with my ex on a number of occasions to be met with abuse and his girlfriend of 3 years messaging me and theatening me that they will go for full custody because I had a breakdown last year (which I am now recovered and well and had no implication on my son)
I believe and am told I am a very good Mum who has educated myself to help my son the best I can and I also work in a school with autistic pupils.
After yesterday my son came home very distressed again I have told my ex that I am seeking legal advice about stopping his contact due to safeguarding concerns. I have an appointment with a recommended solicitor on Tuesday. This has been met with another threatening text from his girlfriend and him telling me I am breaking the law and they will go for full custody because of my depression.
After telling my son he doesn't have to see his Dad for the foreseeable if he doesn't want to, he cannot stop thanking me and cried with relief which confirms to me this is the right decision. My ex of course has accused me of manipulating him into saying what I want him to, which a certainly not the case. My every other weekend break is sacred for my mental health and I will struggle without it but my sons happiness and safety come first.

I guess my question is, has anyone been in this sort of situation, do you know the chances I have of stopping contact successfully and would legal aid apply in my case? And what are his chances in going for full custody?
Thankyou in advance, I am so stressed out and worried about this all.

Sorry I should also add, I have been divorced from his father for 10 years now but he was abusive to me throughout our marriage, emotionally, financially and sexually. Sorry if this is tmi but I am trying to explain what sort of man he is. I have let him see his Dad until now as I wanted my son to have his Dad in his life but I kind of knew this day would come, but I wanted it to be his decision, not mine.

Is contact currently court ordered or is it an arrangement between you and your ex?

Could you organise some kind of therapy for your son? I am so glad I did in this situation. It has given my son so much support but I also have an independent voice for my son in the therapist, who knows he has not been manipulated.

I also sympathise with knowing that you have to give up your weekends off for the sake of the child even though they are the thing that stops you falling over the edge.

It's just an arrangement between my ex and I. We have never been through court. But he is on the birth certificate.

Therapy is a great idea Thankyou, he is on the waiting list for Camhs but won't be seen till Feb! But I may have to look into it privately, if I can afford it alongside legal fees 😱 I'm a carer to my son and only work 13 hrs a week. Money is tight and we are on benefits too.

I would ask to have this post moved over to 'legal' OP. There are a lot of very knowledgeable family lawyers there who can advise you. The rest of us can only really give you a lay opinion based on experience in the family court.
For my part I think you have a good chance of making this happen based on the issues you have mentioned here - as I am pretty sure the Judge would put certain requirements in place that they would not want to adhere to. (Although they may say they will) - However the greatest advantage you have is your sons age. It would be unusual for a Judge to insist on contact if the child himself is so resistant. - Although his autism may affect how much weight his wishes are given. That's why it is best to ask in legal where people who work with situations like this every day can give the benefit of their professional experience.
Good luck. His father sounds a nightmare and the girlfriend even worse. (She won't be permitted in the family court thank god !)

Btw.. YOU don't have to do anything. He is with you. It is up to your ex to make the application, pay the fee and apply for contact. That alone is often too much effort for many non resident parents and despite all the talk they just do nothing. So let them apply and if they do, simply say what you have here as your very valid concerns.

I would just tell your ex that your Son will no longer come for the weekend. Let him take you to court, I doubt he will.

good luck

Is there a court order?
If not then you can just stop contact.
The Father can then apply for a court order, which would probably be very strongly in your son's favour.

However there are two things you might want to consider:

1. Has your son expressed this wish to not see his father to anyone else (teachers etc.)? Any evidence of this kind, not in anyway influenced by you would be helpful.
2. your son has Autism - how well does he understand this decision? How competent is he to make it? What would other professionals involved in his life say?

If there's no court ordered contact, you don't need to make your son available for contact.

You're right to get legal advice. Let your ex threaten to take you to court - There will be an advocate for your son, and what your son wants will be considered. I can't see your ex coming out with much apart from a legal bill. There is not an ice-skating cat in hell's chance he'll get full custody - which I doubt he actually wants. He's just using it as a stick to beat you with.

His PR does not override your child's rights. Your ex is not in a position of power here - not even a little bit.

Block his girlfriend on all platforms. Keep her texts though. She's being hugely helpful in providing evidence as to why she shouldn't be anywhere near your son.

Finally, what about you? Have you had any support around the domestic abuse you've suffered?

Ugh...so sorry for your stress. My ex pulled the same stuff on me, and was it seems the same type of abusive person your ex is. At the time I was in the middle of it all and too emotionally charged to see that the likelihood of a court giving him even 50/50 in that scenario was very low, and full custody, next to impossible. Also he (like mine) doesn't even want custody. Its more work and it seems like if they yell and ignore him, they don't enjoy their time. What they do like is to have a threat to hang over your head and make you pliable to their wishes. I've no doubt they enjoy the power trip they are on. I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Like others have said, just ignore him now. Make him do the work through the courts. He most likely won't.