ExH moves away and expects me to share the lifts when DC visiting him

[godiva1999]

ExH recently moved in with his girlfriend, around 15 miles away. He's now insisting that I either drop off or pick up the DC when they visit him (aged 13 and 10), which is an hour's drive, sometimes more in traffic.

I think this is unreasonable - he's moved away, so he should be prepared to be inconvenienced. He seems them EOW, and every Friday, so a total of 6 nights a month. He pays minimum child support and is generally useless and obstructive in every way possible.

There is a train that runs between our towns that takes 15 minutes and I can meet them at the station. I've suggested he puts them on the train but he insists they're still too young.

Wondered what other people think, am I being unreasonable to insist that he does pick ups AND drop offs? I feel like it's the least he can do considering I do 90% of everything else concerning their welfare and care.

Thanks for your opinions!

If he wants to see them he will have to collect them and unless he wants there forever he will have to drop them back.

Keep pushing for the train - how much would it cost?

If there to Young in his eyes to travel on the train then he’ll have to keep driving to pick them up.

I wouldn’t entertain being expected to do this journey & didn’t very often. I did sometimes but it wasn’t expected

As I said upthread my DS (both when oldest goes too) takes train but his Dad still insists on driving them home. Entirely up to him. But your journey over is up to you whether you put them on the train or drive them. You’re going to have to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. Just tell him what you’ve decided. If he rants he rants but he can not control what you do anymore.

15 miles is not a significant distance to move so I dont think its fair to say he 'moved away', especially when it was you who left him.

But I think this could easily be resolved with some tact. Is the 10 yo about to start secondary or still another year at primary? Once they are both at big school then it should be ok to use the train.

So worst case scenario you do a 15 mile drive once a week for a year. Is it worth making things more hostile for that? Can you give him more time during school holidays so the Friday night also becomes EOW? Can you adjust travel times so your not driving during rush hour?

If none of that works then start travelling with them on the train so they get used the journey. But it will also get ex used to picking them up from the train station. Then after a while just let them get on the train on heir own and dont tell ex until after they have left the station. Fait accompli.

Similar situation ( but no train and further) we sought legal advice and were told a court was 99% likely to order a half way point handover so that's what we ended up doing. ( in a church car park)

If the train is a reasonable and workable option it doesn't matter than your ex says he doesn't want to use it - if he cant make a reasonable agreement let him take it into court but evidence your attempts to reach amicable arrangements in light of the change.

Just be aware that the Court looks at this from the child's right to a relationship with both parents not from the perspective of the parents needs and decisions - so arguing he moved he should suck up the impact of that won't necessarily hold. But being reasonable about how to support the children to have their regular contact will be seen as fair and favorable. Whilst you might do a larger share of care and arrangements and whilst he might not pay much maintenance those are seen as separate issues rather than a bargaining tool. ie if he is not paying the proper amount of maintenance take him through the appropriate channels to get it reassessed. If you want him to do more than the current split again that's about changing or putting in a contact order. I would keep contact very very minimal and to the point, ideally in writing. If there's ranting, demands or threats - dont engage or respond just copy and stonewall it. It really is the only way eventually the other one gets the hint that you just arent going to be drawn in. It does take a long time though with some people.

@NorthernSpirit

but the kids have to be picked up by car why doesn't he go and get them by train?

If driving is a chore, I don't understand why neither parent seems willing to get on the train with the children. Buy a family railcard and it can be quite cheap, plus a nice thing to do together. I suggested this upthread but it sank without trace.