Question from a Dad - Finances / CM

[MrBrightside1980]

Hi All.
First time poster, sorry for the length. Im a dad who's looking for some input.
Background is, Separated approx 11 months ago, 3 DC's (14,12 & 7). Break up was my fault, racked with guilt but not been making things any better.
Moved approx 40 mins away from where my ex (married, pending divorce) and children live as this was considered best. However, my circumstances have changed and im now without a car so access to my children has become increasingly difficult.
The relationship between me and my ex is almost non-existent (again, my doing), communication is only by email.
I've now hit a brick wall financially speaking.
I pay my ex over double what the CM calculator has suggested but its leaving me absolutely broke each month. I have no money for shopping, to do anything with my children, pay my bills and generally struggle to get to work. Ive gotten in to debt trying to keep up with everything. I will be in a position where i could potentially lose my job through not having the money to get there, which will mean i have nothing to give to my ex and children.
The amount i pay was offered by me as i didnt want my children or ex to be under any kind of hardship due to me being the cause of the break up. I cant keep up with it anymore. I have tried to put this to my ex but not gotten the best response, which i suppose is understandable.
I rent privately and i am looking to move back closer to the area they live so that i can see them more often and have easier access to them and help out as much as possible.
My situation is a difficult one. I need to sort my finances out. I have two options, either i rent somewhere that will allow my children to stay with me, which will mean reducing the amount i pay my ex, or i rent a room in a house to lower my outgoings. This will allow me to pay my ex either what i'm currently paying (or close enough to it) but will mean my children will never be able to stay.
Ultimately i need to look at reducing the amount i pay my ex. How do i do this? I don't want her or my children to suffer but i cant live like this. She works, initially part time, and has increased her hours. She would almost certainly be entitled to tax credits but refuses to do so.
Any suggestions on what i should do or how to approach this?

How much was the loan or gift?
What was it spent on, how much is left and where is any cash left?

How soon after receiving that money did you leave?

This could be relevant in either divorce (if she files) or financial matters.

Wowsers! I only get £200 a month from my ex and that's through the CMS.

I'd be made up with £1000. She needs to apply for the help she's entitled to via UC like all the other single mums, she's living in a dream world.

The amount was for £1200 and paid directly to the course provider. No cash exchanged hands. The course was for career development which worked as I got a better job, money and hours. This was approx 10 months before we split. I've paid back about £600 so far so another 6 months of £100 per month. At the time there was never any conversation about it being loaned. Just after Christmas things were tense between my ex and I surrounding access to the children and the ex's mother got involved and all of a sudden it was 'don't forget that money we lent you etc etc'.
I was paying £1600 up until last month to ex with £100 extra to her parents. It's not sustainable anymore.
I've offered £1000 + the £100 to cover the 'loan' each month until cleared.
No reply as yet

The inlaws presumably have evidence that it was a loan - no - because it was a gift. Their daughter and gc still benefit from the course financially because it aids your earning capacity. Your own guilt and it sounds as though the ex is guilt tripping you too. She doesn't claim at the moment because she is comfortable on what you are paying. If you reduce payments to £1000 you are still paying above cms rate. If it isn't enough and she is eligible to claim tax credits she will.

If they insist it was a loan and can prove repayment terms were £100 then pay £900 plus £100.

She is relying on the fact that you feel so bad to make you pay over and above what you should which is fine when high earners but not when it means you can't adequately house yourself to maintain a relationship with your children.

Even if you don't get divorced yet you can see a solicitor to sort financial issues. However I would suggest going to CMS so that the ex suddenly realises just how reasonable you are being.

I will continue to pay until the full amount is cleared. They don't need the money, so I can only hope that they are allowing my ex to keep it, which will inturn benefit my children.
I am racked with guilt, she knows that. But guilt will not pay my bills or allow me to have a relationship with my children.
Of course I understand that this drop in payment will have an effect on my relationship with my ex, but it's pretty much non existent anyway. My main concern now is being able to have a relationship with my children, pay my bills and hopefully move closer so I can see them more often.

That does sound reasonable, based on what you've said. That's not a huge amount of loan, but paying back what's left will go along way to maintain relations and will also be a better "look" for any court proceedings.

And being happy for that money to go back to the ex for the run-on support of your children is a really good attitude to have.

@PicsInRed Exactly that. If it benefits my children then im all for that. As in all circumstances its never the children who are at fault and if i can make their lives at all easier in any way, then i will

This sounds like a huge mess.
I get that she's really pissed at you with good cause but her deciding to give access to your kids then remove it is fairly unforgivable in my opinion.
I get she's trying to punish you (which to be honest she needs to get past as it's not helping anyone) but that's also hurting the kids.
As for not claiming UC or TC that's also ridiculous, why would you intentionally make your family worse off for the sake of pride?
Was she always quite selfish? Or is that a new train since the break up?
I know it may be hard right now but I think you guys really need to have a serious conversation about creating a consistent and practical situation for your kids whether this be through email or in person.
Having parents who are at war isn't good for your DC.

@Ayemama it is quite a mess, and largely down to me. I get that, and i dont think ive helped things since we split as ive tried to give far more than was sustainable financially.
I dont want to piant my ex in a negative light at all. She was not at fault in the break up at all. But they do say you learn things about people in these kinds of situations. She is not a bad or selfish person in any regard in my opinion but is struggling to a)come to terms with her marriage and family falling apart b)dealing with being a single resident parent. None of us get married and have children with a divorce being the intended outcome. I am truly hopeful that given time we can at least be amicable, if for no other reason than to create some form of stability for our children.
I do think a lot of it does have to do with pride, as she is a very proud woman. But i also agree that pride isnt benefiting anyone, anymore than my guilt has.
None of my posts are in anyway trying to paint a picture of her as the bad person and me in a good light, as that is not the case. Im just finding this as a good outlet to get some input from others that may or may not have any advice or guidance, and to be honest it is really helping.

I think your offer is reasonable.
I hope she is able to see through her hurt and anger and see that it’s the sensible option.

@brotown me too. Remains to be seen at the moment

Sensible thing reduce what your giving .

Tuppence worth from someone who was in very similar circumstances to you four years ago and can now look back with the benefit of hindsight.
Firstly, whatever the circumstances, a marriage is made by two people, and broken by two people. I am firmly of the belief that in previous generations marriages went through crises because life is long and people are flawed. What's changed in today's society is a crisis our great-grandparents might have worked through, too often leads to a headlong rush to divorce, and bugger the consequences.
Hard though it is, I know, you need to set aside the guilt because it is not helping.
Secondly what your children need is not Dad in endless supplication to Mum. They need to have a home and a life, separately, with you both. Gilding her situation, at the cost of a family life with you, is not good for them.
Thirdly anything you do now with money will set a precedent for the future and the financial settlement. That could be a problem for you later legally as your ex will be able to say she has got used to this extra money and can't adapt to life without it.
In your situation the correct amount of money given the needs of all parties has been established by the CMA. Dispassionate officials, not involved in the emotion, establishing rules for the benefit of all, especially children. Your children will suffer if you give vastly more at the expense of their lives with you. Note to flamers my ex's barrister argued in court I was proposing too much child maintenance (and lost), but that's different because at the time I could afford to pay it AND have a family life with my kids unlike this OP.
Finally, if your ex is anything like mine it won't work. I tried your approach and it did not make things better.
Your number one priority is your family life with your children. Protect it, including the financial requirements to make it happen, and set aside other concerns.

:"Firstly, whatever the circumstances, a marriage is made by two people, and broken by two people".:

You know this isn't true. Domestic violence is not caused by two people. It is caused by just one l. Infidelity is just the same.

I can not agree that in many cases two people are responsible for the demise of a marriage. I suspect your view is in the minority.

@Manaskingforadvice thanks for your input, appreciated. I am having to come round to that sort of view point as my time and relationship with my children has suffered due to the financial constraints that ive put upon myself through the guilt. I have learned (the hard way) that this has not made things better, which is what i must now do.

@ThisMustBeMyDream i do agree with you, that the vast majority of marriage breakdowns are 1 persons fault, which was the situation with my marriage, hence the guilt ive been dealing with.

I did put my new offer to my ex, who has not yet responded, but currently not having access to my children so i can see that court will be needed to sort that aspect out. Mediation has already been attempted and wasnt something she wanted to engage in.