Friend wants to separate - dh doesn't want to!

[chickletickle]

Im asking advice for my best friend who Im trying to support through a tricky situation. She has been v unhappy in her marriage for a while and she had an affair earlier this year (yes, stupid choice but she had her reasons). They have been going through marriage counselling but she has come to the point where she wants to separate. Her husband has told her that he doesn't want that, and if she wants to move out, then its up to her. Her suggestion would be that they rent somewhere and share being in the house with the kids for part of the week each. He won't accept this and has said he is staying put with the kids. Is there anything she can do? She feels that he has the right to do this and she will just have to go. I'm not sure at all what to suggest. It just feels bad for the kids to suddenly lose Mummy being at home. Any thoughts?

She can force the sale of the house. She needs legal advice though not advice from randomers online.

She can’t force using the house in shifts.

No she can't Purple who said she could?

I think you misread Purples post HennyPenny

she doesn't want to force anything she just wants the best outcome for her children, and she feels that having access to both of them would do that. I guess most people in the same situation (who don't have money for a second property) would stay in the spare room or on the couch? It just feels unfair and Im trying to suggest a few options. Thanks all.

In my opinion, she needs to be realistic. How long would she expect to live like that for? What happens if one of them finds a new partner? Wants to have more kids with them, get married again? Should they put their future on hold to spend 4 nights a week in the family home? What if one of them leaves the house in a total state, every single time? Who do the chores fall to and when? How are the bills split? Its disruptive for the kids to have to change to living between two homes, but it's better to get that disruption over with and settle into the new normal, rather than waiting for this arrangement to fall apart and live through the fall out of that, having already lived through the breakdown of their parents relationship once.

yes good points! Very difficult to advise a friend in situations like this. My feeling is that she has made up her mind to finish things but doesnt want to do it too quickly to ease the pain on her husband. Ultimately they will need to sell the house but thats going to take time in itself.

This is called "bird nesting" isn't it?

To be fair, it could work if both parents agreed to it and were on good terms but that doesn't seem to be the case here. She really only has two choices:

a) File for divorce and stay in the house (on the sofa) until the divorce goes through & the house gets sold or...
b) She moves out now and rents somewhere.

So I guess it depends how desperate she is split.

The unfair thing is that the person who didn't cheat is being asked to leave the house and kids for half the week. She felt the grass looked greener elsewhere, she has already picked "elsewhere" for herself over her family home.

Think the lady should leave the parenting to the husband and leave