Divorce and older kids

[tinkywinkyshandbag]

Can I ask, those of you with older teens/young adults who have separated, what has been the impact on them? DH thinks divorce is the worst thing for children, that they should have a stable home etc but when there's little or no love and affection left is that really the case? Ours are 15 and 17. I feel that "staying together for the children" is getting less and less relevant.

Mine are 14 and 18. After 20 years of control I started fighting back and got myself kicked out with very little. The 18yo boy doesn't speak and seems to think I caused all the problems but doesn't understand the half. The younger one does 50/50 but clearly doesn't want to because I am too embarrassing cos dad has their ear. He has also told her to monitor my phone... How often do I hear that kids should be with their mother and why did I go... Not so easy to dictate much when you are outside with locks changed being passed all the things he wants you to have in binbags ..

Mine are 17 and 15 now and we split just under 2 years ago. They are fine. They were beginning to realise things weren’t right / no affection / constant sniping and resentment and younger one was starting to copy unacceptable behaviour and arguing style. I think we would have better splitting earlier as we were a terrible role model of a relationship. They were shocked and claim not to have noticed problems but do acknowledge things are calmer and they don’t miss their dad being constantly irritable and grumpy - and nor do I. No one else involved. Neither of us have moved on (not sure I ever want to be in another LTR it felt like hard work). If you can co-parent well and get along then the children will be fine. Avoid doing it near big exams so either do it now or wait a year! If didn’t impact at all on how well mine did at school etc. There was some upset and anger but now we are in a new routine and no one has disappeared and abandoned them they are settled again. I believe anecdotally it’s worse if you wait until they are at uni and it all happens behind their back and they come back to find they have 2 new houses. I think there is something to be said for all getting through it together tears and all. Also they talked to each other about it a lot at the start. They don’t really what to to and fro between houses and so are mainly here and occasionally stay with their dad but talk to him daily. They think we should fit around them and their lives / friends etc which is fair enough no reason why us splitting up should interfere with their growing independence.

I watch Love Island with 16yo dd. I am impressed with her observational skills on the relationships in the programme. She's not dated but I think that she does a bloody good job on seeing who's playing up to the cameras and which people are besotted with another. It's also pretty interesting that she can spot bad behaviour like gaslighting too.

What I'm trying to say is that your teens probably know more about their parents relationship than the parents realise. I'm divorced and it shocks me when the kids come out with observations that I thought they were too young or protected from knowing.

I think that kids would be angry to discover that their parents were using them as an excuse to stay together. There is inevitable upheaval and upset when things change (say Xmas) but if both parents are reasonable then it's possible to arrive at a new normal which can be happier. If things can't be salvaged then it's better to put the effort into co-parenting and on the individual self rather than faking the relationship. I think that a lot of the damage done by the divorce is how the parents behave afterwards. So it's the stuff like one parent moving in a partner with more kids very quickly or the kids overhearing arguments between the parents over the phone that does the damage. While the parents have broken up, the kids need their relationship with each parent to change as little as possible.

My 20 year old won't accept it's happening, my 18 year old thinks that I can do much better than her dad! I'm looking but single gentlemen around the age of 50 are in seriously short supply unless they are no hopers or with 10 kids.

Maybe if your husband doesn't want to divorce he would be open to making an effort to rebuild your relationship? That might be worth a try? My parents divorced when I was young & I spilt when my kids were young so I don't have 1st hand experience, but I had friends whose parents split when they were older & it definitely effected them. That's not a reason to stay together, but if your kids are older I think that does give you an opportunity to try & recreate your marriage for the better?