Practical advice please!!

[Grammarist]

Ok. I've kind of posted about this before but I need a reminder (lost the thread!!)

DH and I haven't been great for a while but I thought we were improving.

He's just told me that he's had an affair. An emotional one but he's kissed her...
(I suspect there's more as he drop-fed me that information)

He's pushing it to try to make me decide we're splitting up and so far I've just reacted with being rather cold and numb.

I'm furious but not really that surprised.
I want him out.

So - ducks in a row time.

My head is spinning so I really need talking through the practicalities of all of this

We have a mortgage and kids. I want him to leave but my wages won't cover everything and he'll struggle to rent if he's covering lots at the house.

Where the hell do I start?

First bit of advice is apply for Universal Credit the minute he leaves as that’s the day it’s calculated from - and it takes about 5 weeks to get the first payment
It’s really hard to sort everything out when your heads all over the place but it needs to be done
And good luck - hopefully you’ll get some good advice here

Will I be able to get help/benefits even with a mortgage? I've never had to think about this stuff before.

I just feel sick.
I know he's potentially only kissed someone but it's everything else. The way he's treated me has been awful.

Other problem is - I don't think he'll leave...

So sorry OP, what a shock for you. I've been through very similar myself, he finally moved out this week.

My main piece of advice would be to try to stay in the family home if at all possible. It is SO much less stress for you and provides some continuity and stability for the DC. How old are they?

So, can you see if you can change the mortgage to an interest only one for now? I believe you can claim UC for help with mortgage costs. Do you work? Can you increase hours if you do, to full time? Remember, he is 50% responsible for childcare costs too.

Ask DH if he will wait for his equity out of the house until the children have finished school. It's the least he can do. You don't have to go through a solicitor if you can agree between you; this can save tens of thousands of pounds, but may not be possible if he isn't being reasonable.

And talk to your friends. Lean on them. It will help. And let yourself cry and acknowledge the pain. I used to cry in the car while I drove to work as it was the only time I was on my own.

You will feel stronger soon, and you can do this.

I've looked into this recently alas. No uc doesn't cover mortgage payments but they will lend you money (which you have to pay back). You can apply for uc from when you separate, he can be in the same house but sleep in a separate room and have separate finances etc. Unless he's on a substantial income unfortunately you may need to sell as if will help with rent then (check out shared ownership which is possible). If you can amicably split great, if not try mediation at first as it will save you a fortune

I am in a similar position i asked dh to leave today but don’t think we can afford to run 2 households we both work full time my wage isn’t great but not sure I would get any benefits

It's just got very nasty tonight. I think I'll have to deal with this fat sooner than expected. Fuck

Sorry to hear that op hope you are ok

I'm not great tbh. Hope you're ok?
It's just horrible.
He's still in the house as we can't afford for him to move out right now but he's being really nasty. Swearing, name-calling, threw his ring at me. Yet he's the one whose had the fucking affair

I am not great either not eating or sleeping well. He doesn’t have anywhere to go and I have no idea how we will manage financially if we separate. I don’t want to divorce him I just want him to stop lying to me which he refuses to do so i feel i have no choice

They do that.
They need to blame you for their own crappulence in order to make themselves feel like the victim and, therefore, not the abject shits they actually are.

It gets a lot better once he's out of the house and you have space to truly grieve. Then, dig in emotionally for 3 months, just cry it out whenever you need, and see how you feel at the end of it - a fair bit better in all likelihood.

The heart doesn't break, it wounds, and time heals that - with only a small scar that you'll barely even notice after a while.