Relocation with children after Divorce?

[Mummyalone1]

I'd appreciate any stories about relocating with children after seperation/divorce when ex is contesting it. Did anyone manage it without family to go to? Did the Judge err on happy mummy happy children or dismiss what was best for mummy.. Did the statements about the parents get nasty? Any information would be appreciated please..

My ex husband got residence because the judge wanted to maintain the 'status quo'. The fact I'd have been unemployed if I had stayed in the area was discounted.

I don't know your circumstances, but most kids wouldn't find that "happy mummy" was worth damaging their relationship with the other parent. So no, judges don't make decisions on the basis of "happy mummy, happy children". They make decisions on the best interests of the children. Which is just as it should be.

I can only speak from my experence of being a child of parents divorcing. My mum left my dad. I was 16 and the day I left school, my mum brought me a coffee and drove me home (back to the family house at the time). In her words, "Im divorcing your dad" "Who do you want to live with?" Now, you might say that as a teenager (16), I would be more emotionally disconected, from my parents issue. Where that usually may be true for most, it wasnt for me. I was going through the dark days of depression (though undignosed, at that time. I eventually moved in with my mum and found out she had and is still in a relationship with this other guy, after finding out she lied to me back then. Long story short, I am still in contact with my parents and brothers, but I still have resuidal emotions from that time. (Im 29 now). My suggestion to you, is to be upfront, transparent with your children, in an age approate way. Let them know exactly where they stand. They may hate you, blame themselves for the divorce or swing the other way, into depression. Be there for them, as and when they need you. Lst them know, that whatever they do, or what happens, that you will be there and will welcome them back, with open arms.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I agree it should be what is in the best interests of the child. What I disagree with is the stigma that non resident mums get. My daughter is happy living with her dad and his wife. That is all that matters.

I'm not upset/bitter because she lives with him. I'm that way because of how he went about it, and how he has broken the relationship with DD and I beyond repair now.

So if you are looking to relocate with your child think long and hard about the options (including them staying in the area with the other parent) and talk to each other like adults to work it out would be the advice I'd give to most people.

Hi @nrpmum - no stigma from me. You put your daughter first, and did what's best for her. No shame in that - it's exactly the right thing to do. I'm sorry that your relationship with your daughter has suffered - there's definitely an onus on both parents to encourage & support the relationship with the other. Unfortunately, some parents won't put their feelings about the other to one side, and that's very damaging to the kids. The OP hasn't been back to tell us about her circumstances, but her post suggests she might be in that camp - the move is clearly about what's best for her ("happy mum"), rather than what's best for the kids.

My own ex is a rather troubled woman. She was abusive and violent towards me. Her mental health issues mean that her relationship with our daughters - particularly our eldest - can be pretty difficult sometimes. At the moment, we're 50/50, but my oldest is making noises that mean I wouldn't be at all surprised if she chooses to live full time with me soon. Even then, I will strongly encourage her to maintain a (safe) relationship with her mum. That's what parents should do. I think those who choose to move away are often doing it simply to undermine the kids' relationship with the other parent. That's not cool - they may be the RP's ex, but they're not the children's ex.

Slightly misplaced Dad... I haven't provided much detail you're correct however you're completely incorrect in your judgement of my motives for moving. My ex was removed from our home by Court & there is a Non Mol in place. I'm in a tiny rural community surrounded by his friends and family & am under surveillance and being harrsssed and bullied. I am under so much subtle control it's effecting my emotional well-being however as soon as I'm far enough away that no one knows me all if my symptoms disappear. It's a 2 hour move & I'd do everything to maintain contact between the kids and their daddy. The happy mummy comment was a quote from a Judge on a case I saw on net mum's. If mummy is primary carer, willing to maintain contact, children young - I think having the opportunity of a fresh start for all is reasonable.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad thank you for not judging. It sounds like the kids are better off with you.

My situation with moving away was more that I was moving back home after years of following my exes job around.

My husband's ex is fantastic, and always puts their boy above her own feelings. I wish my ex was more grown up like that.

The judge will, and damned well should, dismiss what's 'best for mummy'

The interests which come first here are those of the DC, and their right to a relationship with both parents. Things like whether they are happy and settled in their current location (school, friends, clubs etc) will also matter.

Fleeing DV is however most definitely not a case of 'happy mummy' (it's a dreadful phrase which minimises the seriousness of the cumstancs). The paramount nature of the DC's interests stands, but avoiding active harm to the household in an unbalanced and small community (assuming you could demonstrate what is going on) puts a totally different light on it. And for that should be seriously considered.

But you're not going to get away from him or his family entirely for as long as you have to maintain the DC's relationships with them. So think carefully about how far away you want to go, as you will be making that journey at least weekly until your DC can do the journey without you. Do not underestimate the impact of that

I moved 10 years ago , 1h30min drive. I was primary carer. DS's maintained contact , which always had been every other weekend and half holidays. So nothing changed on contact apart from a longer journey, which we split between us. I did have to go to court, and the ex lied blatantly, but judge still allowed me to go. I lived in a busy town, a bit rough and was moving to a more rural, more child friendly town, which in hindsight boys have thrived in and are very happy. The children were young and were not asked directly who they wanted to live with.

Thanks for the update @mummyalone1. There's clearly a lot more going on here, and your update helps clear things up a lot. My advice to you when presenting your case would be to focus on the impacts of the ongoing behaviour upon the children, and steer clear of the "happy mummy" references. While one judge used that language, for the most part it really grinds in family courts, who want to see the interests of the kids taking centre stage.

Oh, and produce (literally write down and submit) a parenting plan setting out the specific, tangible things you will do to maintain and encourage the kids' relationship with their dad.

The issue is slightly misplaced single dad..like any good mummy I try extremely hard to protect the children from the impact of the toxic relationships including spending time with family members who have been warned about harrassing me for the children's sake.. the stress and anxiety that the harrssment and coercive control is causing me is straing my ability to be the best mummy I can be but that wouldn't go down well. I do agree a happy relaxed primary caregiver is in the children's best interests but how to convey that without sounding selfish or not child centred I don't know..