Is a 5yo still young enough to recover from witnessing domestic abuse?

[NeedaPointOfView]

Or is the damage irreparable? I think the answer to that is probably yes but does anyone have any experience of trying to mitigate the damage? What did you do and how did it go?

I am so sorry that my five year old has seen so much of his father’s aggression and general awful behaviour. He isn’t actually violent but he is very scary and unpleasant and it is relentless.

I have seen my five year old turn from timidity to anger whilst I have been trying to navigate the separation from his father but he has seen so much bad behaviour already that it breaks my heart.

If I had a time machine I would go back to a time before I had children and kill myself. I feel so guilty for bringing anyone into the world in the circumstances. Obviously I didn’t know he would become like this and he wasn’t when we got together. I am not even blaming him any more than I would blame a cat for chasing mice but whether or not he can help it and is to pitied himself is beside the point and doesn’t make it ok to ruin a child’s future before they have had a chance to become themselves.

Has anyone come out the other side and seen their children improve after some time out from the other parent ? If anyone has any words of wisdom I could use some advice.

I'm so sorry you and your son have been through this. I'm really sleepy but didn't want to read and run but will come back tomorrow to check in!
Basically my experience isn't personal but is professional, I work with young people who have SEND/SEMH and many of the students I have met in my career have witnessed or experienced trauma like this is early childhood. The short answer is unfortunately at five it has the potential to do alot of lasting damage. It all kind of will depend on what you do now. Use SS and take anything they give you, be open and honest with your sons school and get him into any therapy that they can offer, and make sure you are taking care of yourself so that you can take care of him!
I hope you're in a better set of circumstances now.
All the best x

@kmammamalto
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it and your background makes your input very relevant and useful. You obviously get it and I am sure you have come across similar situations.

What you have mentioned is so prescient because he is a perfectly normal little boy but if you didn’t know him he can present as having some autistic traits at times but I know that this is all trauma rather than an actual medical/neurological issue. Of course trauma, particularly in children is neurological but what I mean is that in different circumstances he would not being showing any of those signs. If he had a normal home life.

I am so angry and upset about the whole thing and I feel so powerless. I have begged his father to leave so many time because I feel like I could actually hit him myself and I don’t have a violent bone in my body but he makes me so upset I find myself in fight or flight mode.

Anyway, what you have said already is so useful as it confirms my fears but in a helpful way.

I have tried to get support from my family and they are hopeless. Anyway, thank you for replying. I appreciate it.

I am so sorry that my five year old has seen so much of his father’s aggression and general awful behaviour. He isn’t actually violent but he is very scary and unpleasant and it is relentless

I saw the same when I was child. I was 6 or 7 at the time.

At age 54 I can still see father trying to strangle mother in the garden. However, it all worked out. Parents are still married 55 years on.

@LifeContinues still being married doesn't mean their relationship with one another is a healthy one.

OP you cannot control someone else so begging his father to leave unsurprisingly doesn't work. You have to be the one who leaves and show your son that you will take action to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

My mother left my father because their relationship was unhealthy but unfortunately she waited until one of my sisters who is the next oldest to me by a good margin said something.

OP are you out of the situation now? A healthy, happy parent in a calm environment will work wonders for your little one and his developing brain.

It's a bit like smoking really. You can't undo the damage that has been done but you can improve his life and chance for healing immeasurably by leaving. It's never too late to make that jump, it's always beneficial. For many children just taking them out of that environment is a huge change for them even before any healing, processing trauma etc takes place.

Have you contacted women's aid at all?

I took way longer to get out than you despite health visitors identifying the signs when my now teenage daughter was a baby. Guilty as hell? Yes of course.

Frustrated that the kids see his control as normal? Incredibly...
Coping with the fact that he is now using her to control me where he can't and son just says that I am wierd and has little to do with me? Not really but it gets better.
At 5 your dc has at least got school support so work with his teachers to manage and help them understand too as they will probably have seen it before. They are helping my daughter a lot. Son has just left so that's another story.
Try to get support from the women's centre and maybe attend a local freedom program or at least try it. That has helped me a lot in forming a support network of others.
Good luck

@NeedaPointOfView
Hope you're doing ok?
Has your partner left now?
I am sorry you are already seeing the impact of the trauma in your little boys behaviour but it is brilliant that you are recognising it as it will be on going for him and often present in very challenging behaviours. The more his teachers know the better for him! Are you in touch with the safeguarding lead or senco?
You haven't mentioned any help You Are getting. Forget your family for the minute because what you need is help from professionals.
Good luck

I agree that it will depend on whether you remove/ protect him from this going forward how well your son heals

Hi OP, I’m following as this concerns me too. I left H 3 months ago when DD was 4 years 3 months and DS 2 years 1 month. I’m not so worried about DS as he is young but what spurred me to leave was DD started showing signs of anxiety like wetting herself (unusual for her) and making me a bed next to hers. I think she heard him shout at me all the time etc. She is a wonderful little girl & I'm devastated she might suffer childhood trauma because of his behaviour.

I’m so glad I’ve left. He isn’t being helpful with regard to the divorce though.

Xx

My 6 year is the same. he came into my life when she was 2 a lovely happy girl. she still is but saw my exes anger towards me and herself and her brothers. she even started doing menanacing faces like he does. He can be so good then such a monster. once he pushed her because he said she deliberatly hit him down there. she didnt it was an accident. Another time he grabbed her and hurt her collar and hair because he didnt like they way she asked to play crazy golf.

she was scared of him but in all honesty he told everyone SS that we had a terrible relationship with my daughter and that he was the good dad.

Her behaviour has improved but she still has monemts which I am sure it was his behaviour. If only could go back in time but have my sons with him. He even grabbed my son off the street in front of her and she cried.

We havent seen my son for 2 and a bit months. I may not be entitled to legal aid either so the system is very scary for us now.

I hope you and your son find peace and things inprove.