Hi Everyone,
I’m 31 now, but got married at 22 and over the past 3 or 4 years I’ve been noticing now and then that my OH and I seem to want different things- to the point now it almost seems belligerently obvious. I’m also concerned about his behaviour sometimes towards me. It’s too touchy to talk about with family members, but I feel like I need a reality check from somewhere- I don’t know if it’s me being fussy, or if I’m along the right lines. My gut is saying defo get out.
We have two children age 4&8 and live in a run down area. OH is self employed and works around 9-10 hours per day 5-6 days a week including travel time. I work running a children’s club one weeknight per week, am studying around 16 hours per week for a degree in English, volunteer 6 hours per week as a TA as am hoping to get into education when my DD starts school next year. I also work at my old job on Thursday evenings and do the odd sales assistant shift. I do about 95% of the housework, all of the laundry, household maintenance, car maintenance as well as all admin and bills. I try and encourage my OH to help eldest with homework - but it doesn’t get completed.
His wages are good, but some of it seems to disappear which leaves me living hand to mouth week in week out. Although he does give me a chunk towards housekeeping - we receive no benefits. His hours have been sporadic for the past few months, and it’s me who has to call everyone and put off paying bills, negotiate with the landlord etc. It’s quite stressful to keep doing it, and I have offered to stick the younger one in nursery so I could work as well, but he won’t give me any info on self employment in order for me to get help with childcare as it’s awarded based on earnings. He won’t change jobs and his work runs at any time from 4am-11pm at night, 7 days a week so trying to find something is a nightmare.
I’d said maybe I could work as the main breadwinner, as I have earned well in the past - I’d happily cut back on my studies and (it’s through the OU) and leave my other jobs if it meant we’d be better off- I reckon we’d have a bit more routine if anything with money. He tells me that I wouldn’t be able to provide properly, that if I didn’t like my job I’d just quit it and then we’d be in more trouble, which is not true. I couldn’t do that to the kids- or myself. I’ve only ever left a job because of his work commitments pressuring me to. He works with his friends.
In the 14 years we’ve been together, it was me who cleared his debts - only for him to get sunglasses out of littlewoods and not pay them resulting in a CCJ. When there was no hope of us buying, it’s been me every time that’s secured housing, which included being on the housing list for 7 years. We now have a HA property which is due up for renewal and it’ll be me who has to sort out affordability checks, and renewal with no information or support from him, he isn’t phased that we may not be offered another tenancy, due to arrears caused by his SE.
If I need something as simple as a shelf put up he’ll swear about it. I’ve learnt not to argue now as once he put his hands around my neck and he does get angry. I told him if he ever touched me again he’d be out and he hasn’t.
He seems to put me down a lot- it’s like since he’s had this new group of friends he’s lost respect towards me. He doesn’t seem to give any merit to anything I say anymore, and if I’m worried or need support, he turns all condescending- this never used to happen.
I’m struggling to find his new personality attractive and he won’t open up about anything. I struggle in the bedroom department as I can’t personally be with someone in that sense who I don’t have an emotional connection with, even our values seem different. I’m more family orientated. I’ve even tried to be affectionate- almost overly, but it’s never reciprocated so I feel silly. He’s only ever bought me one bunch of flowers- when we’re dating 14 years ago and in the past few years, never tells me I look nice or plans anything nice for us to do- it’s always me making suggestions or complimenting him.
I’ve spoke a lot about finances, but he gets quite wound up about having no money for luxuries when I’m happy to cover the basics so long as we’re happy and healthy. Ok fine, the odd treat but nothing OTT.
Just feel like we have different outlooks now- I’m not happy, but know DC will be so sad if we split. Thanks for reading.