Really long story coming up, I kicked hubs out last week. We have been married almost 8 years and for the last 3 we have not exactly had the same values for our marriage. We have 2 children 3 and 5, own our home and I do not have a penny to my name or a job in actual fact!!!
So a sum up of the relationship! 3 years ago his Nan passed away, we had just had a very terrible birth experience and I don't think either of us dealt with either situation. However, he seemed to spiral into a different kind of self help hooking himself to porn sites, enjoying himself whilst at work, ordering things from adult website to enhance our sex life (which was non existent at that time) all to which disgusted me to be fair!! I had also lost my way, was feeling lonely looking after two children, struggling with loss and my youngest had very bad reflux so would be unsettled most of the time. Any who...I didn't get the help i needed, continued pretending everything was ok. It wasn't, I began to self harm (mostly unnoticeable things) pulling my hair, burning myself in the shower etc etc. He had run me into the ground so much one day as he wouldn't allow me to visit my friend, then told me how useless i was, how i was clearly seeing someone else as I wouldn't sleep with him... bla bla bla. That evening, I burnt myself so hot in the shower, crying out everything i needed too, feeling useless, alone and untrusted. I got out of the shower wrapped in my towel continued to cry and knelt on the floor head in my hands. He came into the room, lifted my towel, and started to have unconsented sex with me (I prefer that to the other word) I cried the whole time, he didn't stop. I couldn't speak, I couldn't shout, I couldn't move. He finished, left the room, left me crying there on the floor. Only to acknowledge me the morning after making it my fault, he thought it was what I wanted, I didn't tell him to stop, It was because he was sure I had cheated and wanted me to prove I loved him. I got worse from that moment on, I at one point was ready to end my life when a friend encouraged me to seek help. I did, although I hid the truth from everyone. He knew that, he knew I wouldn't spill because I didn't stop him, so since I was his wife it was normal behaviour (how wrong was I). 2 years have passed since then we continued to live together, however the controlling nature of his seeped out more and more. He had convinced me to quit my job as he could earn more, stay home and take care of the kids he said. Thats all I did really for the last how many months. Pushed away friends for fear I would out my no good abusive husband, because i didn't want to upset him for not being there for him at the end of the day. I would get myself so completely drunk because I knew how much pressure he would put on me to have sex with him, I would drink to a point I wouldn't remember and yes most times even when I wasn't responsive he would have sex with me, still not consented sex, just fore-filling his needs. I think his life became a porn movie to be fair, he would attempt to do things to me that he had seen. Makes me feel sick to the stomach just thinking about it actually. The last time he did it in May was the time I realised this was not right, I asked him to stop and he didn't, I asked him to leave me alone and he didn't. I sat in the bath in the morning, not knowing what to do next. I sent him a msg saying - I didn't agree to sex last night, I also asked you to stop, you didn't! therefor you sexually assaulted me, YOUR WIFE. Im just a piece of meat to you, you make me feel sick inside. I hope our daughters never end up with someone like you, you would kill anyone who did that to them!! Your a disgusting excuse for a human being. Tell me why I shouldn't report you.
His Reply - I want you to be completely honest why you have not been coming near me?
seriously that was his response!!! He had committed a crime but couldnt care less, making it my fault because I hadn't slept with him. Why would I????????
Anyway, My Mum is here visiting from New Zealand, she could see his strange behaviour towards me and on the day I finally kicked him out for accusing me of something else she got me talking, it all came out, all of it!! like a release finally I could talk out loud. I explained to her all the different controlling abusive situations and then about the R word. I felt so free to speak!! He was absolutely shocked when I told him she knew and he said he will back off and leave me alone ( Clearly he's now severely worried that I will speak to more people and the little perfect husband character he created will be tarnished)
So to sum up.... whole lot to take in there!! I haven't reported it, I know I should but I want to protect my girls from knowing any of it!! He is a good Dad, just a shit excuse for a husband. Where do I go from here?? I have no job, no real friends left, no money, no social life!!
Can anyone tell me how to start out on my own, Its been a week, Ive not felt this confident in a long time, Im happy, calm and carefree!! He can't hurt me again.
What should I do? am I entitled to help? 1 child is at school but the other isn't even in nursery yet as I can't afford it. I need to earn some money as he has boosted his career the last 5 years I have nothing.
I guess what Im looking for is someone to tell me this will all be ok?? someone with good advice to tell me where to go next, what help I can get and how to learn to cope with this man as he will always be in my life for the kids.
Thanks for reading the essay. Its no nice to write it down and get it all out. xxxx