Going through divorce and adoption

[Kissymissy21]

About couple of years back I found out thqt my husband has been cheating on me. I did come across couple of love letters and cards a few years back as well which i asked him about but he said it was nothing and were just part of a game with friends they were playing. I let it go thinking he was telling the truth and that considering how happy out relationship has been he can never cheat on me.

But recently I found a proper evidence of him getting physically involved with his friend. I confronted him and he completely denied it.

This was about a couple of years ago when we were going through the adoption process. That day I decided that I wouldn’t continue our marriage so i moved to my parents place with the little one. The adoption process went on smoothly but i still haven’t got the legal guardianship of her yet and is about to be completed within a few weeks. I haven’t mentioned to the adoption agency of the likely divorce as i am scared that they may take away my kid.

Recently i have been thinking about all this and somehow i feel so guilty for my daughter. I feel that if we separate she will only be getting the love and support of a single parent and as per me it is very important for a child to get the love of both the parents. I feel I should let the agency know and probably should give her back to the agency and in future she will hopefully get a better happy family where she gets the love of both parents. She is only 2.5 years old so the memories of these last 2 years will be replaced by her new home memories.

I love her dearly and until now i couldn’t think of giving her away but now i feel that originally when we were planning to go for adoption- the thinking was to bring a child into a happy and complete family but now things are not the same.

I am confident that she will be raised happily with me in regards to her education and day to day life and she will also have all the love and support of my parents. But she will never get the love of a father. Due to this i am thinking to explain all this to the adoption agency and consider giving hwr back.

I am confused as to what should i do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think it would be ethical to tell the agency and stress that you would still like to complete the adoption if possible.

Would you be feeling like this if your DH had died?

I think you need to be honest with the adoption agency but if this little girl has been with you for two years then she is presumably very settled & it would be heart breaking for her to have to leave you. Adoptions are far, far more difficult as DC get older. The memories of the first two years will not be ‘easily forgotten’. You have your parents support and you clearly love her very much, that means such a lot.

This just made me well up. Poor you. What turmoil you are clearly in. She's your daughter. People split up. It happens. Demonstrate that she is loved and will have a supportive upbringing. Also seek some legal guidance and then decide how you proceed. The fact you're even considering giving her up shows how deeply you love her. for you.

I’m sure as a potential adopter you’ve learned a bit about attachment theory? You are the world to that little girl who has already been through a lot.

Please be open with the agency/social services but don’t rush to put her back into the system when she’s happy with you, her mummy.

Hi, I am an adopter who has recently been through a divorce, though my child was legally ours 2 yrs before, i have never told the authorities because she is ours, though i understand where you're coming from, i felt as thought i'd let my child down as she deserved a two parent family after everything she's been through. Tell the agency but do not give her back, you are her Mum. xx

Owh please keep her :( she's 2, she'll be so confused. You can do this!!!! And she'll be fine without a father figure, trust me! X

You should tell the agency. I don’t know for sure, but I can’t imagine them wanting to uproot her from the only mum she’s ever known.