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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Why is this process so long!!!!

19 replies

Itsallchange · 15/06/2019 20:14

I appreciate that I haven’t been in this process as long as some but I am totally fed up with the waiting! Separated around Valentine’s Day and pretty much filed for divorce within a month, at the time my reasons were really strong and I was totally driven....fast forward to now waiting for the DN application to be processed, STBXH still hasn’t moved out, but his anger has subsided and we just seem to be leaving in limbo and now I just feel totally detached from the relationship but stuck at the same time. Have to keep reading through my reasons for divorcing him and turning my family upside down because right now it’s so hard to remember why. Sorry for the rant just feel so lonely and want to get on with my life. Also know that my kids are still living a lie and soon will be in a bad place because of me and I don’t feel like I have the energy to back up my reason - any positive stories of how to get through this limbo stage

OP posts:

Tiddleypops · 15/06/2019 20:53

I hear you
The waiting is really torture at times. It's like a weird warped limbo land. In some strange ways life is easier now because we aren't making big decisions together, I am fairly detached from him and his alcoholism etc so we bumble along. It isn't awful. It sounds same for you. I also really hate the fact that DS is living a lie. I want him to know so he can start getting his head around it.

We'll get there though. Nisi will be processed soon. Finances will be sorted soon. We'll get there x

Original poster

Itsallchange · 15/06/2019 21:18

It’s such a lonely place...like I know I’m not really alone, but when the feelings are long gone and life just seems to be passing us by it’s a long old road. Spoke to the divorce centre Friday and that just filled me with more waiting time! Anyone got a time machine??!!

OP posts:

Ski40 · 16/06/2019 00:14

OP, you are not alone, I have been living in a similar situation for most of this year... it's horrid but it does come to an end and life will move on eventually. I'm applying for my Decree Absolute at the end of this week and I can't wait, but at the same time I'm hurting immensely for my children. This is my second divorce too and I'm only 44! I'm clearly rubbish at being a wife .
I wish you all the best, try to take some time out for yourself xx

Itsnotme123 · 16/06/2019 07:12

My divorce has been dragging on for a whole year now and still not done. I don’t think it’ll be finished til aug/sept.. part of the reason is that either solicitors, or Stbx or I took holidays too often which held things up. I would really urge everyone to get on with it as fast as possible, otherwise capital gains tax has to be paid if one is buying out the other.

I’ve been in despair at times, can’t bear the process, and I bet anything else involving solicitors must be easier than this surely !!

CF43 · 16/06/2019 07:55

My Divorce is a year today, I was nisi stage in september but then once the financial's start that's where it seems to take ages, it's a license to print money for the divorce solicitors.

My ex H is till asking pointless stupid questions to rank up the divorce bill on my side.

I have found a new house now and had the offer accepted so he is now again putting our lives on hold, unable to move forward until he says and does it's okay.

I can't keep chasing with the solicitors every five minutes it takes too much money, concentrating on the house purchase now so that doesn't go away from us, where I am going to find the money from I don't know.

CF43 · 16/06/2019 08:04

SKi40, I am also 44 yrs old and this is my second divorce, maybe it's the people we are picking rather than us that is at fault.

I don't know about your situation but there comes a point in everyone's relationship that they think I've had enough, it it at this point that you can either work it out or you can't. We can't he won't change and so it had to end.
We (me and son) are both looking forward to our new house and life together. If I ever meet anyone again I won't get married again, it's too much hassle getting out of it when it does go wrong.

Watson40 · 16/06/2019 17:12

I started the divorce on 3rd September. Neither of can buy the other out . Sorting the consent financial order was a nightmare with my soon to be x being bitter. However it's at the court now and they should have recieved it in 15th / 16th May. Bury st Edmunds court is way behind. Only dealing with C O received on 21st March! So dont expect judge to look at it let alone approve it until end of July. For sensible legal reasons can't file for DA until C O approved. However D A only taking 24 hrs. Complete limbo. Its torrid!

Original poster

Itsallchange · 16/06/2019 21:16

@watson40 how rubbish! What have you decided from the CO? Are you selling the property? When was your DN issued? X

OP posts:

RoseMartha · 16/06/2019 23:17

Waiting is a nightmare. 🤗🤗🤗 I am currently about 16 months into divorce and we are all still living together in a big melting pot of tension. I have slept on the floor since this started never in a million years did i expect it to drag this long.

When our financial is agreed things will start moving. Realistically can not see being able to apply for absolute until about October this year.

My advice is to take one day at a time. That is the only way to manage it otherwise you feel constantly overwhelmed.

Here if you need to vent.

Original poster

Itsallchange · 17/06/2019 05:50

Thank you so much @rosemartha, I’m sleeping with my 6 year old daughter and again it all feels so surreal because I didn’t expect it to last this long 😩 in my head I’ve written off 2019 but it’s only 1 year isn’t it....and then on to the rest of our lives

OP posts:

swissmilk · 17/06/2019 09:04

I'm about a third of the way through.
My ex is dragging it out for as long as possible.
My advice is to start the process as soon as possible (especially as my ex got rid of all his assets while I've been waiting for the courts).
It's shit and been a tough year so far, but my life with him was so miserable I'm still far more happier than I could have imagined.
Hang in there!

Original poster

Itsallchange · 17/06/2019 10:35

Thanks @swissmilk I’m so glad that my solicitor friend got the ball rolling for me with one of her colleagues, your life just passes you by whilst it’s all going on! Fingers crossed we get our happy ever after soon x

OP posts:

CF43 · 17/06/2019 11:17

My Ex is still being a jerk even after a year, now even more so as we have found alternative accommodation.

They can't stand the idea of us being happy or better off without them, pathetic.

swissmilk · 17/06/2019 11:48

Thanks allchange and you!
I'm lucky in that I don't have any contact with my ex but it will end at some point and I've got the whole of the rest of my life without him to look forward to!

Original poster

Itsallchange · 17/06/2019 17:50

Oh man! It’s like 2 steps forward and a million steps back. STBXH is an emotional wreck again today and the drinking really doesn’t help. What makes me so annoyed is he is all about what it’s done to him how he feels how this affects him. He hasn’t once tried to understand what it is that is wrong or missing for me in our marriage in an attempt to make it work. I honestly feel so sorry for him but cannot show him this because he takes it the wrong way and will try and have sex with me. I totally can see why people get stuck in dead end or abusive marriages. I’ve explained to him a few times what is wrong for me and he hasn’t ever acknowledged it - send me strength!

OP posts:

Flower64 · 17/06/2019 18:35

I filed for divorce in July last year. My decree nisi is finally being read tomorrow. No financial agreement yet as my ex purely ignores the solicitor. Also had to pay for a process server to serve him at work because he ignored the court. Now faced with applying to court to resolve finances because he married me for my money which paid all our bills and our house deposit. I even had to get a DEO for child maintenance through CMS which didn't start until April this year. The process is horrific and I would never get married again

RoseMartha · 18/06/2019 21:40

@Itsallchange my stbex doesnt understand what he has done wrong either. Despite me explaining several times. He also had a massive go at me telling me I was not thinking about how it was affecting him. That I need to think about his needs during divorce. (Tbh i think the most important needs are the kids, no one else). And I did think of him during financial negotiations which are still ongoing to finally agree to what he wanted not what i thought was a better option.
He has generally continued to manipulate and control me even though I am breaking away from this. I suddenly realise again and again I have been sucked into his control. And have to pull myself out again.
Like your situation. He never has tried to understand my situation and that how he treats me and the kids is wrong. Just twists it to be about him.
In fact at the beginning he asked me if we could just plod on and not divorce until my parents die. (At which point I might inherit something if their money has not been eaten up by care home fees, but he was thinking no doubt with £ signs in his eyes if they die next week ). That really upset me that that was the only reason he wanted to stay with me after I said it was over due to his behaviour.

You are not alone.

So sending you a big 🤗🤗

Original poster

Itsallchange · 19/06/2019 06:57

Oh my days @RoseMartha that is totally it! He even told my ds10 that I was making him move out and he didn’t want to 😩 I’ve tried to tell him so many times if we tell them it will be ok they will be ok, I cannot believe that they still feel like they have control, like you (yes I’m staying in the house with a mesher which he has agreed to) but all other finances I’ve been more than fair at some points going against what’s best for me and the kids just so we can stay in the house, he’s effectively walking away debt free and a little nest egg in the house. He’s also hung up on sex, and when I thought he wAs at rock bottom the other day turns out this is all because he’s frustrated and I should just do something about it! I’ve been having sex with him for years when I haven’t wanted to, so now I don’t have to there is no way I am servicing his needs. He’s very clever in making out he needs it to clear his head and I should just help him 😩😩😩😩 sending big hugs to you too!

OP posts:

Tiddleypops · 19/06/2019 07:04

@Itsallchange... Eh? He wants you to relieve him?! Your relationship is over, you're part way through a divorce. Sounds like sexual coercion to me! WTF does he think you have any obligation to do anything for him, let alone that! Yuck! How dare he?!
For all my Hs massive sense of entitlement, at least I haven't had to go near him physically for over 18 months now.

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