Trying to agree amicably on equity splits etc...

[molsykins]

We have recently seperated - amicable joint decision.
3 children; 7,5,3

Hes moved into rental flat and we are in house.
It is a joint mortgage and we will be looking to sell in Spring next year.

I am self employed and work from home. He is full time employed.

I earn around £15-17k excluding any benefits.
He earns around £38k

We agreed he would give us £500 per month.
I didnt check CSA but have since done and it calculates at £459, so all fine.

My pension pot: £4-5k
His: £38k

We have verbally agreed on 60/40 split of £300k house equity.
But when i mentioned it the other day he said he felt it should be 50/50.

It was my flat that was sold, and equity used to buy joint house 9 years ago. But he said he contributed towards some of the mortgage whilst he was living at flat for a while.

But Ive read up loads and spoken to a few people and they said no way would 50/50 be agreed in a court situation for example.
i also spoke to a friend (a guy), and he said my husband should be thankful for 60/40, and not 70/30, which certainly courts could decide if it went that far,

He seems to very disillusioned of reality - ive always done every single thing re finances. WHen he moved into flat I had to guide him on the utilities etc as he didnt have a clue.

He seems to think that we both should have a 3/4 bedroom house... we live in affluent area of sussex. This wont happen.

Neither of us want the high costs of solicitors. So want to do a DIY Deed of Seperation then divorce in 2 years.

But because he doesnt do any legwork/find out info/groundwork, i feel like he thinks im railroading him into 60/40 split, and taking the mickey. But Im not.

I could go after his pension too, but im not. i dont want to upset an otherwise happy applecart.

I have the children most of the time. He has them to stay every other weekend.

Please can someone advise me on exactly what i should be doing?!

There isn't enough information - you're best to speak to a solicitor, you can often get a free initial half hour consultation and they should probably give you a rough guide.

Think about things like:

What's the length of marriage, and what did each party bring into it? How long were you cohabiting before the marriage and when did you buy your house together? Are there any other significant assets or debts? How old are you?

Where are you getting the value of the house from (is it accurate)? How big is the house? What would a house cost or rent for in the area where you and the children live? What is you real earning capacity? All questions like this feed into the equation.

On the face of it, what you're saying is:

• You get 180k from the house and a 5k pension
• He gets 120k from the house and a 38k pension

Do you have enough to buy a place with a small mortgage suitable for you and the child? Doesn't sound like it, how are you planning to live?

Honestly, I have no idea on the case as my finances were completely different when I got divorced, but if I were him I'd readily agree to what you're proposing as - if anything - it appears you're doing yourself down a bit. But others might have a better idea on this.

We have 3 children.
Im 39. He is 42.

We got home valued last week by 3 agents, to give us an idea.

No debts. £5k savings each.

House is valued at £500k. Equity is £300k.

I have done provisional mortgage affordability with Nationwide, as they take Universal Credit into account as well as maintenance, as well as my earnings, and I can borrow approx £170k.

So I can just about get a 3 bedroom house in my little suburb.

He too with his 40% split will be able to get a little house in a nearby village.

But people are saying I should go for 70/30 and pension. But its all amicable and i feel it would massively upset apple cart.

So we want to try and do things ouselves.

I dont know what I am doing to be honest!

But people are saying I should go for 70/30 and pension. But its all amicable and i feel it would massively upset apple cart.

It's not amicable and it won't be. The apples are already strewn down the street.

He's already backpeddled on the negotiated agreement you made. Just based on that, you'll need a solicitor, full financial disclosure and a consent order.

He's not your friend, he's no longer on your team. Don't trust him.

Given his back peddling, my next question is whose idea was the split? You say it was mutual, but who intiated it? Has he been difficult, argumentative and/or morose lately?

Honestly, I think you're doing the right thing trying to keep it amicable, but he needs to be more realistic in what he's asking for - it might help if he himself sees a solicitor for a consultation or if you have a session together with a mediator who guides you as to what a court might decide.

At the end of the day, if it all turns hostile you could easily spend 50 grand between you on solicitor / barrister / court fees, which would immediately eat any extra you might get.

You might get 70:30 split in court, you might not (I doubt you would get any pension entitlement in that situation btw), but it would just get swallowed in fees

Thank you for taking time to reply.
I agree x

Gosh your post feels full of bitterness!

It is possible to be friends! We sat down and mutually agreed to seperate.
We’ve fallen out of love and will work better
co-parenting rather than in a couple.

He’s not argumentative, he’s not morose and he’s not ‘difficult’.

We see each other most days.

Because we are friends the children are absolutely happy. Happy because they feel safe and secure with the love etc from two parents who are working hard to keep them happy.

We just need to sort out finances etc.

Thank you for taking the time to post anyway.

We have verbally agreed on 60/40 split of £300k house equity. But when i mentioned it the other day he said he felt it should be 50/50

Realism and a timely warning to put yourself and your interests first isn't bitterness, it's bitter experience (something shared by too many women on this site).

He will have changed priorities now.

He's already walked back the agreement you thought you had.

Be very cautious. Have a solicitor obtain the very best deal for you and your children. Good luck.

They have a point here, he is not your friend, when it comes to money and men they will try and hang onto it as much as possible and any relevant thought to your children goes out the window.

I (fingers crossed as it not a signed deal yet) am walking away with 70% house and funds and 35% share of overall pension pot.

It will be enough for to buy outright a 3 bed semi detached property in a nice area. This is what all the urguments and solicitor hassle came to but it will be worth it in the end.

He started off saying it was a 60/40 split but it wouldn't have been enough for me to get a property.

You have to sit down and work out what your needs are and make sure you have enough to live on at the end of the day, then start negiotiating between you or take it to mediation as this you and your childrens future and you only get one shot at it.

We did a deed of separation & divorced after 2 years.

We both spoke to solicitors & the separation agreement was drawn up by my solicitor & his reviewed it. You will still need legal advice going down this route.

My initial 30 mins with solicitor was free & I took a list of questions.

You need to go and see a solicitor. Your situation is not straightforward. It is 100% worth spending a bit of money now to clarify your position. You can still do your divorce yourselves after 2 years if you want to; but you need proper reliable advice.

Whatever you think during a divorce it takes a lot to get it right or fair
You are not friends during negotiations that will affect your futures
You will need professional advice
You do need to be alert and be aware that money is dirty,
I hope that you remain friends
People are just talking through their experences

I agree with PicsInRed. We were meant to remain amicable but STBXH is only amicable as long as he gets what he wants. He agreed to be fair, help me get back on my feet, but he has gone back on this and offered me a 30% equity and no pension. As a SAHM mum for many years I am massively disadvantaged. I admire anyone who can remain amicable but you really need to cover yourself and get proper advice. It not being bitter, it is being realistic about human behaviour. Best of luck