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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Who leaves the house?

22 replies

Pete75 · 13/06/2019 14:54

When separating who should leave the house?
We are now beyond the point of no return. After 20 years of marriage, I realise my wife is no longer interested in me.
We no longer sleep in the same bed, as for a sex life this is maybe 3 or 4 times a year. She refuses to get a job, despite both our children having left school. Generally I get the feeling she only stays with me as I provide a comfortable lifestyle. I offer her holidays and nights out, but she is not interested, I do most of the housework and DIY etc. So I think I realise it is time to move on.
Should I leave the house? But if I do am I responsible for paying the mortgage and all the bills? She has no money and solely relies on me for everything. Not sure what I should do, I did speak with her about this but she thinks I will not file it through.

OP posts:
wobytide · 13/06/2019 15:34

By the sounds of it both of you will leave and be responsible for sorting out a suitable one bed place each with the assets you have. For now the likelihood is you will both have to remain in the property whilst it is sorted and the full details established. Regardless depending on ages your wife will need to find a way to be self sufficient and run her household through her own income, benefits or depending on age and ability, maintenance from yourself and/or your pension

iamthrough · 13/06/2019 15:52

Its not just as simple as deciding who stays. All the marital assests, the house, savings, pensions, any debts will all have to be taken into account. Sounds like your children are grown up so unlikely any child maintenance will be due. Only a solicitor can tell you if you'll need to pay any spousal maintenance. It all depends how much there is. if one of you can buy the other one out of the house - that person can stay IF the other agrees. If you can't you will likely have to sell and share any equity between you. Go see a solicitor most do free 30 minute consultations.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2019 16:08

Could you work out the value of the equity left in the house and then buy her out? Obviously she can't buy you out because she doesn't work.

Otherwise, it's sell and split the equity between you and start afresh.

HJWT · 13/06/2019 16:09

See a solicitor

Original poster
Pete75 · 13/06/2019 16:21

Thank you for the advice, really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pete75 · 13/06/2019 16:23

There is about 300k equity in the house, so it should be enough for a sizable deposit each. Although I think she would cost to rent.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2019 16:27

What do you mean "she would cost to rent"?

Original poster
Pete75 · 13/06/2019 16:31

Sorry, meant to say prefer to rent.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2019 16:39

Can you afford to offer her £150k for you to stay there? What about pensions?

millymollymoomoo · 13/06/2019 16:48

Hate to say it but if you’ve been married 20 years and your wife doesn’t work or never has you’re likely to come away with less than 50%
There could well be sizeable spousal claim too

You can’t afford not to see a solicitor

Original poster
Pete75 · 13/06/2019 17:00

Wow,I am really not clued up to this at all. So as she has not worked and I have been doing 50 hours plus, she will walk away with more?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/06/2019 17:12

No one here will be able to tell to you that.

You’ll need to look at all assets to understand what you have but I would be surprised if she didn’t get higher than 50%

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2019 17:47

what do you mean she hasn't worked? Who looked after the kids while you worked 50 hours plus? Because if it was her and she has sacrificed her career in order for you to progress in hers then she needs to be compensated no?

How much have you each got in your pensions because that will be taken into account too?

wobytide · 13/06/2019 17:52

As above people have said and to my earlier point. The closer she is to retirement the less likely she can be self sufficient and that's down to joint decisions to raise the kids the way you did.

If she's 40's/early 50's she may have a chance for a small income doing something but as the way with the world, if she's unskilled and not worked for some time the older she gets the harder she will be able to source an income. Thus your current earning capacity, your borrowing capcaity to mortgage/house yourself and her (including any equity/savings), then money for you both to sustain a household and pay bills/feed, then finally once you both retire that you could both afford a similar lifestyle and be housed.

Assuming she gets advice, renting doesn't seem a wise choice with no income and potentially limited equity

LemonTT · 13/06/2019 19:58

Leaving the house before settlement is risk because it means you have a more urgent issue to reach a settlement and get your equity. The person who remains is sitting pretty and can string things out.
It is potentially leverage.

BeardedMum · 13/06/2019 20:17

See a solicitor. We are in the middle of similar situation with close family. Husband worked long hours while wife refused to work (part of the reason he is divorcing her). She is likely to walk away with more of the equity. At the moment she is asking for 100%!! I tell my boys to learn from this and never marry women who won’t work.

ColaFreezePop · 13/06/2019 20:23

If you have enough bedrooms in the house to have one bedroom each then stay in separate bedrooms. Basically you need to share the house but live separately until you reach a settlement.

BubblesBuddy · 13/06/2019 20:27

So the only value a woman has is monetary! How much does she earn, not what does she contribute?

This is not acceptable and her contribution to the household is what will be evaluated not her monetary contribution alone. If someone doesn’t work but this allows the spouse to work or be very successful because everything else is taken care of, this has a value and cannot be dismissed.

BeardedMum · 13/06/2019 20:34

Yes but in some marriages one person refuse to work leaving the other person to carry the financial burden and having to work long hours. Not working is something which should be agreed on. It’s not always enabling.

NorthernSpirit · 13/06/2019 22:49

Sorry (IMO) your children have left school and yet she’s never worked and refuses to work. She sounds lazy and entitled. She needs to start taking some responsibility for herself. And I say this as an independent woman who has always contributed and worked.

If she lives in the house, she has to pay for it.

See a solicitor and I hope you find happiness.

Original poster
Pete75 · 13/06/2019 22:50

She would rather go without than work, so if we still live in the same house I will still be the one who provides for is both financially. I can not afford to pay off the mortgage and pay her off. I need to move on, so perhaps I just take enough for a small deposit? I will lane an appointment to see a solicitor and see where we go from there. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 15/06/2019 01:37

Good luck

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