Shared parenting with an autistic child

[Misty9]

H and I separated about 2 months ago and our eldest is really struggling with the transitions, as we predicted he might. He's on the pathway to being assessed for ASD but H has a diagnosis and it runs in his family. Our pattern currently is 2255 but has anyone else experienced shared parenting with an autistic child and has any ideas/advice? H stayed in the family home so all that is familiar to ds is with H. He mostly saves it for me... ds is 7 btw. His younger sister has adjusted well so far.

I don't know whether a shorter number of days in each home would help - or longer?

Didn't want to read and run. I have a son with asd and he stays with his dad once a week as that's all either of them seem to be able to cope with.

My son found it incredibly hard in the beginning. I'd say a good 4-6 months of horrendous behaviour but he did adjust and is happier for it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thinking of you as I know how hard it is. Sorry I've got no real advice

Thank you for replying. That's what I'm worried might happen here: that ds ends up only seeing me once a week as that's all either of us can cope with but that would separate him and dd, and they love the bones of each other. I know we need to ride the storm for much longer to give it a chance to settle down (it's been 2 months) but I just find his behaviour so hard to cope with when I'm ok, let alone when I'm falling apart

Use lots of visual time tables so he k now s what s happening.
If you establish a routine it will settle down. Get some support for you.
Why are you falling apart? Who is supporting you? Are you getting counselling?

Hi OP. I am going through a very similar thing. I have two young children one with ASD. I think that the key is not too many changes. I think predictability is key. I’m sure that’s obvious. It’s really hard. My children are with me at the moment and we have not been able to come to any arrangement yet in terms of them staying with my stbxh as he does not have a suitable place yet and I don’t get a break except for a couple of hours a week as he can’t manage the two of them alone.

Hi OP

I’m in a very similar situation to you but nearly 18 months on now - 2 DS, eldest is 7 and is currently being assessed for ADHD and/or ASD. I also have a younger DS ( who coped very well with the separation). My ex was the one to move out, so atm I am in the family home although will have to sell.

My DS has really struggled with the separation and we had a quite severe deterioration in his behaviour for 6 - 8 months at least I’d say. He has however started to adjust, and the last 2 months or so we have started to really turn a corner. What has made a huge difference is he has started seeing an Ed psychologist who is really helping him with strategies for his behaviour. My ex has also got a lot better about sticking to arrangements - he has them every other weekend and now comes to the house to do bedtime twice a week ( which isn’t ideal for me but works for DS). He also has them longer in the holidays - DS still struggles with this a bit but again seems to be managing better and is fine once he has left with his dad.

Im sure you do but I have a week/month Chart that shows when he is with me and when with his dad ( we used photos so my youngest could understand) and I try to refer to that with him, particularly before a transition. Also tried to have similar stuff at both houses, so it feels familiar. For a while he always liked to take something of mine with him and also left something with me to look after.

It has been incredibly hard at times and he has really suffered with anxiety ( although my ex did not manage things well at first) but I do hope it will end up ok in the end. I’m sure the tension in the house would also have been very damaging for him long term.

It's very hard to adjust for any child so those who have asd more so. Dd is much older but she won't even acknowledge we are separated.

As others have said visual time tables are your key here.
I have a dd who has ASD and I bought her two identical calendars for both our home and her dads. The days she was with me I highlighted green and the days she saw her dad I highlighted red on both calendars. That has helped a lot. (She does only see her dad once a week) but when I have to throw in an extra day I highlight it on the calendar.

Every night as she goes to bed we go through the rundown of the next day so she knows what’s happening and we check the calendar together which helps.
What also helped was moving to set days and times so she knows every Saturday at 10am she goes to her dads until 10am Sunday.

Dd also has to use after school club a lot and there are times that the days can vary at short notice. I tend to put after school days on her Calendar in purple and every morning when I drop her off I tell her who is picking her up either me or the after school club lady and then I ask her to tell me who is picking her up.

This usually works out ok for us and she’s quite moderately autistic. I think so long as there’s something visual that your son can look at and know what his routine is that day it might help him with the transition.

Me and exdh have been separated nearly 2 years now and my dd would flip out tomorrow if I decided to get rid of the calendar

Oh another thing I do is a draw a love heart on her arm and I ‘load it up’ with hugs and kisses before she goes, I tell her if she needs me when she’s there to press the heart and I’ll feel it and send her a hug. Usually when she comes home she will ask if I felt her press it and I say I did which makes her feel better
I have noticed she’s now started drawing a heart in her arm at school all the time too and asks me if I felt her give me a hug while I was at work. So this has been a really big thing that’s helped her too.

Thanks. Some great ideas here. It's changeover day so both dc are punishing me already - and I've got d&v so my tolerance levels are pretty low luckily their dad is coming to take them to school and I can go back to bed.

I've done a weekly planner type calendar for both houses this morning and used your great idea of colour coding @Anyoldnamechange so hopefully that will help.

I do understand it's unsettling for any person to have two homes - let alone a child, and one with extra needs. I'm doing my best - unfortunately my best can be pretty shit right now

Dont be hard on yourself
One day at a time
Reach out for support

Hope you’re feeling better soon and I’m sure your best is brilliant so don’t be so hard on yourself it’s a difficult time for all of you and it will take time to get properly into a routine.