making arrangements for the children - what to do - advice please

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My H moved out about 4 months ago and went NC for 3 weeks. He re-appeared, started contact with the children (3, aged 10, 8 and 6 - 10yo has autism) and sees them once a week after school each, and every other Sunday.

Timings for Sunday were entirely up to him and he asked for 10am to 6pm.

So far, in school holidays he has seen them for 1 day at Easter and 1 day at summer half term. I had to suggest and arrange both.

Between contact days, he wasn't calling the children at all, so I got the older 2 mobile phones so they could text with him. We have firm boundaries and then phones do not go out of the house because they are just to contact their Dad, but I still feel uneasy with a 8yo having a mobile. I think having regular contact with her Dad is more important than my feelings though.

Prior to splitting up, he did less parenting than he is doing now. He worked long hours, work always came first, he'd miss family holidays or just not get involved if he came etc.

Now we are trying to make a longer term plan. He has put really unrealistic wishes in writing and suggested heavily that I am preventing him form having a relationship with his children. I am quite annoyed about this, because I have spent my entire married life tryin to enable him to have a relationship with his children and he wasn't bothered. He's not that bothered now if you look at his actions.

But, what he puts in writing is compelling and makes me look like a controlling bitch.

I want the children to see him more and have a good relatioship with him. But, I also want to make sure that their needs are met, especially DS with ASD who needs routine and consistency to stay happy and able to attend school.

I'm just not sure what to do. Can I push back against him asking for 50% of the holidays, or is it better to focus on term time, and making sure they stay with me except EOW so that they are being helped with school work and DS is being kept in routine?

I desparately want to do the right thing for the children, but I think I'm too angry with H and too in the thick of it to even be able to see what the right outcome is.

I don't want to drip feed, so also think it's relevant that when we tried living more separately in the same house, after H's nights in charge the children were regularly put to be in their clothes from the day, not washed, teeth no brushed, etc. Never any homework done, lots of junk food... so not actually in danger but just not well looked after either.

DS and H have a turbulent relationship that is improving, but at the low point has ended up with DS threatening H with a knife and then trying to jump out of a 2nd floor window to "get away".

What does your gut say about his motives for 50%?

He is a good person, he will want to see the children and want a relationship with them. But... he just doesn't have the skills, he's never been inclined to do much when we were together, he is really bad at acknowledging his limitations, and I am genuninely worried that 50% would lead to a worse relationship because he's be overwhelmed and not able to cope.

He has always accepted a huge amount of help and support from me, but then refused or been unable to acknowledge that he needed/accepted it.

My sister is more cycnical. She thinks he wants to pay less maintenance and wants to put in writing things that make him look good because he is insecure.

I would suggest something you think will work (slightly more than he has now) for around 6 months and "if the DC are happy and coping we will increase further"

Remember it's actual overnights that count for maintenance so if has them overnight ensure it also includes a good chunk of daytime contact. None of this collect at 7pm from back 8 am bollocks!!!

I think you are completely right in considering DS needs for routine and consistency.

Thank you. Alwasy good to have an outside perspective. I think I'll stick to my guns about no overnights during school time, but overnight EOW (Saturday 8am to Sunday 7pm) and then agree to his request for 6 weeks of school holidays to be with him, starting from September (we already have the summer planned).

His living set-up will force the children to be much more on top of each other than they are at home, and DS needs space to be away from his sisters or they just don't get on.

Are you happy to get the children up and out for 8am on a Saturday? Plus isn't 7pm late to settle the younger ones for bed on Sunday when they have school the next day? Remember on some occasions he will hand the kids back late due to unforeseen things e.g. traffic, one of the kids throwing a strop.

Either make it an hour later on Saturday or tell him he can have them Friday night from school on his weekends as well. Also on Sunday make the handover time an hour to an hour and a half earlier. Once the kids are older and go to bed later than you can do 7pm.

Personally speaking id stick to early pick up so you have the chance to do something with your day. My exh won't take pur dc until 1pm and then half the day is wasted hanging about. Id rather 8am than 1pm.
7pm seems ok for Sunday, when mine were that age (i have 3 dc same gaps) they went to bed around 8.30/9. My exh is consistently late for pick up and early for drop off. Id say let him do as much as he is willing and enjoy the break if you can.

I'd be up and out by 8:30am on Saturday anyway because of a particular activity that 2 of the DC do for the majority of the day on Sat. They aren't actually with me, but I do take them there and maintain the communication with the activity leader.

I see the point about probably earlier on Sunday being good, at least for the youngest. 6pm would give me time to do proper bath and stories for the youngest rather than rushing.

Friday nights with him aren't possible because of another acivity which I have always done with the DC since they were tiny and they love. It finishes late and their Dad can't do it with them (not me being controlling, just not actually possible). On top of which, he's not asked for Friday nights. He's mostly just seems to want holiday time, and has directly said it's because then he doesn't need to do "routines". Unfortunately, DS needs routines all the time to keep him on an even keel.

I would ensure that all your communication stats child centric.

You state the DC don't need routines in the holidays how've as you know DS is autistic (diagnoses made xxx by xxx) and that he requires routine adherence such as x y z. If we could agree a holiday routine that worked for DS regardless of which home he is in that would be hugely beneficial for all DC. The meltdowns he has have a negative impact on the DC by x y z and managing their environment only benefits all of them.

Just a thought...

That's really helpful @RandomMess. I am quite angy and find him hard to communicate with in general so it's good to be reminded to say child centric.

Include and "evidence" you can such as formal diagnosis and medical/behavioural advice quoting where it came from etc.

Would it work for the DC if DS went one day without the other DC and one day they went without him in the holidays as well as together?

TBF if he has them and ignores DS needs it will be a nightmare and he suddenly won't want them all that extra time in the holidays after all...

I know that he might change his mind if it all goes wrong, but I really, really don't want to go there. DS has had percarious mental health in the past, and he's so much better since H left.

The other DC could stay without DS, but I am reluctant to do that too, as routines are hard to break for DS. It's better to start out with a routine that you'd be happy to continue with for a long time :)

I'm finding it hard to read him writing about how important it is for him to see more of his DC and how important that is for his relationship with them, when he did not bother much for 10 years, other than to do fun stuff or things that I absolutely insisted he did and argued to get him to do. It's so contrary, and if he'd been this engaged and enthusiastic from the start we wouldn't be divorcing (most likely).

Just ignore his bullshit and focus on what is best for the DC and always write from that point of view.

If he takes you to court and you have clear written discussions that you are supporting what is in their best interests then you will be seen for the reasonable responsible you are.

Remember it's about the DC relationship with him "it's great that since separating that you now realise the importance of DC spending time with you and I am happy to facilitate that on a basis that will benefit all the DC whilst accommodating DS needs as I'm sure you do not wish him to suffer another MH episode as he did in x y z which your actions of abc are acknowledged as contributing to it."

Obviously stuck to the truth and that is evidenced etc

You are amazing, thank you. I'm always a bit overwhelmed at receiving kindness, and am coming to see how much of that is based on my experience of being married to someone who never thought about my needs.

Kill the bastard with kindness

Always ever so reasonable and respond to ridiculous suggestions with "I can't see how that would work with DS needs, can you explain it to me?"

Out of interest, how does the calculation of child maintenance work if he has, e.g. DS on 1 night, DDs on a different night and all 3 on one night. Is that 3 nights a week or 2 nights in total?

Surely 3 DC x 2 nights. Check with CMS?