ExH using kids to punish me

[inmyshoos]

I left an ea marriage 2.5 years ago. He has moved on, met someone else and lives 4 hrs away. Takes as little as possible to do with his kids.

Recently arranged to take them on holiday, tsking them out of school. Kids ok about it until they realised they were missing fun things last week of term. I have a holiday booked for that week as it will be my only childfree time and took a/l once he had their holiday all booked. Now because the kids are complaining he has cancelled saying fine just stay home with Mum.
I have offered to come home early, mid week so they csn come back early too and attend things they dont want to miss but he has said 'its cancelled, im not discussing it anymore'. Now i have distraught dc and will be hugely out of pocket.

Im so tired of being manipulated and punished by this man but see no way out. I thought leaving the marriage would put an end to his bullying and control.

Any advice anyone?

Well shouldn’t he have them for the week and just not go away?

Sorry, previous two posts are on the wrong thread. I have asked MNHQ to remove them.

When the EX arranged the holiday - did you agree to it? Who’s contact time was it?

How old are the children? Are they old enough to dictate what they do and don’t do? Is it upto them to decide if they go on a holiday or spend the time at school (this sounds like an adult decision to me).

It sounds like your contact arrangements are all over the place. Draw up a plan, agree to it and stick to it.

We have a plan drawn up 12 months in advance and it’s stuck to. Everyone knows where they stand.

Northernspirit i would love nothing more. We had a plan, then he moved away and now changes the arrangement constantly in ways to make life difficult.
Example being he wont have them overnight unless i drive to his parents, 4 hrs away. When he comes here, he sleeps at his old house with his gf but wont have dc there as says house not habitable for dc (it is, this is just a eay of being difficult) They are 11/13.

Yes i agreed to holiday as dc were keen (until dates for dance/leavers assembly were released from school)

He said that week he was taking them on holiday despite my askjng if he could fo a week during school hols to help with childcare. Now he claims he has cancelled hol and says dc are my responsibility that week because they live with me!! Im so dick of being the puppet and him pulling the strings but can't see a way to cut the strings.

Oops sorry for the typos, posting whilst trying to get out the door to work!! Hate that his crap takes up so much of my time!!

So everything is your responsibility except for when he unilaterally decides to do something? Is he paying maintenance?

Can you get things formalised?

Send him holiday dates and let him make arrangements which are agreed, with the dc input.

Once dates are agreed you tell your dc they cannot change their kinds last minute as they will be spending the allotted time with their father.

If he reneges I’d still send the dc to him and refuse to engage. He can parent his own children once in a while when he has agreed to.

You’ll have to be quite hard face about it. Otherwise he’ll forever be pretending to book holidays and cancel. It’s his method of controlling you.

Can you get any family or anyone to take your dc for a week and still go on your holiday?

I bet he never booked a holiday at all.

As PP said get things formalised with him going to court if necessary if he won't sign a Parenting Plan. (He will then look like a dick in court.)

Make sure he knows a year in advance the school terms, and have it agreed that neither of you can take the kids on holiday except out of term time.

Make the kids aware there is an agreement between you when they see each parent and let them know in advance when the days are by using a physical calendar you fill-in as soon as you agree the days.

Then it's left to him to have the kids as agreed. He will later look like a dick to your children when they are adults if he refuses to have them.

Can you take the DC on holiday with you? I ask because his game is obviously to spoil your holiday - so don't let him. Take them out of school as planned and go away anyway.

What an arse!
Is there anyone else who could have the kids so you can still go away?
Can you get any money back for the holiday you've booked?

Thanks for the replies and sorry for so long to come back. I needed a break from thinking about it all tbh because it is so stressful.

I asked my parents to look after the dc butit was a firm no. My dm hates where i live because its in the (beautiful) countryside and she finds this type of thing boring. Fair enough, its not her problem to fix but i admit i felt hugely disappointed because its not often i ask them to have them and at their ages they are easy.
I will take the dc with me and cut holiday short, if i cant sort something with a friend. Not ideal but better than not going at all. I could probably get some money back but the bigger issue is a/l from work. Ive had that week booked since exh confirmed his holiday so if i cancel im not likely to get another week off.

Im not sure he would stick to a written agreement tbh. We have a separation agreement that says he will have them one night per week for tea, every other weekend fri/sat night but he moved 4 hrs away with new partner and abandoned his house so now demands once a month i take them to him for a weekend, and once a month he comes up but wont have them stay with him, clearly just so i have no chance to do anything and still end up doing lots of running around dropping kids off.
I hate him so much. I feel completely at his mercy. When challenged his standard response is that I caused this, these are the consequences of my actions (leaving the marriage) and that he had to move for work (he didnt, he has been in the job for years, i know this is not the case but he says it so much he believes his lies to be true!!)

Please someone tell me it can improve? Or what i can actually do to stop the control at this stage.

If you refused to take the children to him what would he do?

Why are you trying to force your children to have a relationship with an adult who doesn't value them enough to take them to where he lives himself?

You do realise your 13 year old is nearly old enough to tell you they aren't going to see their dad or can arrange seeing their dad themselves without your input?

Remember you can't change how he acts but you can change how you respond to him.

Be glad he's moved away as if you want to up and move away with the children within the UK he now can't stop you.

Your parents seem to have told you they won't provide childcare for you so stop wasting your energy asking.

I’m so sorry. He’s an absolute fuckwit who should be ashamed of himself. Useless tosser.

I’m also sorry that your parents won’t step up for this week.

I’d formalise dates for the next few months with him, but the problem is that this relies on adults acting like adults and keeping their word. If he doesn’t, there’s not much you can do, is there? Is it worth getting legal advice to see what you can do?

I sympathise, I really do.

If i refuse to take the dc to him he will see them once a month on his terms, not overnight and tell anyone who will listen, me included that i am 'stooping him seeing his children'.

We have been to mediation recently but he only wants to discuss money, not children.

I won't ask my parents again. I can manage on my own.

I dont force the dc to see him but i definitely encourage them to.

He wont stick to any agreement unless it heavily flexible from his side and not mine.

now demands once a month i take them to him for a weekend

Stop doing this for one thing. Who cares what he tells people? YOu're not stopping him from seeing them at all, you're just stopping yourself from being a doormat.

Bring up the kids at next mediation. Stop dancing to his tune.

Or what i can actually do to stop the control at this stage.

Get a formal arrangement in place. Go to court if needs be. It's because it's all informal that it's a mess and you're at his beck and call.

I'm definitely not going to be taking the dc to him from now on unless i am going there anyway. He moved to live with his new partner, his choice, not sure why it should cost me to take the dc to him. Its over 50 quid in fuel.

Everytime i bring dc up at mediation he maintains he needs money from me to give his house a 'cash injection' to make it habitable for the dc. It is already perfectly habitable Which takes us back to money which is the real crux of the matter.

Just keep repeating 'Your house is already perfectly habitable. Stop using that as an excuse.'

Does the mediator not step in at all?

No the mediator doesn't step in. She just asks him what he is looking for and last time his answer was that he would have to have a think about that

It's his standard position. Any excuse to not have them but blame me, like im being difficult and stopping him seeing them. I want him to have them as we agreed. I feel like a better parent when i get a break. The whole situation is so exhausting.

I’m cross more with you parents
The expectation wouldn’t be that your running round them in their old age
Stop making it easy for him do not take them to see him God forbid something happens on the journey there or back
You have to take control for you
Your parents are a massive disappointment

He moved away. It is not your responsibility to take your DC anywhere, your only responsibility is to make them available for contact.

Your parents are disappointing, but, as mentioned by PP, keep this in mind for the future. They should have no expectation of you running around after them.

Once children approach their teens, it is generally accepted that they can choose whether to have contact or not.

It would be better for you to build local friendships and networks for support. You won't be the only single parent in your area/school.

Did your ex get permission from the school to take the DC out?
Does he realise that if he didn't do this, he risks paying the fines?

endoftheline he did ask permission yes. He probably wont have the decency to let school know its not happening now however.

We live in a really remote area and so i am one of 3 single parents at school. I do have a support network here but i hate asking people for favours. Everyone has their own stresses to deal with without me adding mine.

I am so looking forward to the dc being able to make contact arrangements independantly. But sad because it feels like im wishing their lives away.

what kedgeree says

When you ask other single parents or other people for support it works well to say "if you can help by x I will do y for you"
Even couples sometimes appreciate someone else having their child over or not having to go out to collect after a trip.
Also.
You only need to make the children available. He moved. He collects. He can witter on to whoever about you stopping him. If that person feels strongly enough to ask you about it, tell the truth. He'll end up looking silly for lying.
You can go to court for a child arrangements order entirely separately from any financial issues and with or without a divorce. If at the next mediation he hasn't reached a conclusion on the issues he was "thinking about" then you can tell the mediator that you have tried but he's not cooperative and will they give you the formal notice of the end of the mediation in matters relating to the children that you need to submit to court.
My ex lied to the mediator, but then assaulted me before I got the forms in for the CAO, so I had exemption via Domestic Violence but otherwise his lying was enough.
Good luck with it, the freedom programme might also be useful to understand why you feel how you do about his behaviour.