How to be more emotionally resilient to ex husband

[klw777]

Hello!

Does anyone have any advice on this front please?
My ex husband isn’t the worst in the world, we split after a mutual decision, there was no affair either side but since he has gone he has repeatedly caused upset for me.

A few examples include him scraping 52 nights a year under his belt with the children so he can reduce his child maintenance as he now falls into the 52-103 nights a year band, a direct financial hit for his children.
Refusing to have his children when I have on two occasions (in two years) been too unwell to look after them citing social engagements as the reason for him being unavailable.
Refusing to help the divorce process along after two sessions of admittedly crappy mediation leaving me to do all the legwork with regards to progressing the divorce.
Hooking up with a woman young enough to be his step daughter (and not seeing any issue with that).

I know these aren’t the worst offences but I have such little support and he’s the only person I can vaguely rely upon for a break from the children (one of whom is ADHD and she’s intense). He deems the small amount he does (every other weekend if he’s not busy) we more than enough. I’m exhausted.

I get that I can’t change him, I tried for a long time stupidly! So how do I change my reaction to him? It’s not as easy as just ignoring him when he lets me down with childcare for work / when I am ill or generally ensures he is living the life of Riley whilst me and the children just get by. I want to make something of my life, I want to be more than I am now but I’m so busy being angry and upset at and about him alongside the whole single parent lark that I feel time is just flying past me.

Thanks for reading this far! I appreciate it.

Your first few points aren’t detailed enough. His children aren’t getting a financial hit as he’s paying for them/their food etc the night they stay with him so that point is a bit void? Secondly, did you let him know you were ill on the day/the night before and perhaps he’d had long booked in plans? I don’t dispute what you say but in general they are poor examples. Doesn’t matter who he hooks up with when single either

I do feel sorry for you though, I have a friend in this exact position and unfortunately you can’t force him to be there when needed. Do the children enjoy their time with him? How old are the children as the answer lies in that ?

I'm sorry, but none of the things you list sound all that bad to me. If your ex has the kids 52 nights a year, he's entitled to a reduction in CMS to reflect the costs of looking after the kids on those 52 nights. And, as long as both parties are consenting adults, the age gap between him and his new partner really isn't anybody else's concern. I don't mean to sound unkind, but it sounds to me like you're not over him yet. I reckon you need to work on being happier and more secure in your own life, and then you won't care what he does with his. Do you feel ready to start dating again, or taking up a new hobby on the alternate weekends your ex has the kids?

As long as he thinks having the dc is helping you out he will be a twat. Arrange alternative childcare. Keep a diary of him not having the dc. Take photos of them when you have them when it should be him. Contact cms and suggest you have proof of the extra days you have them and want payments adjusted. Keep receipts of expenses regarding dc. Clothes etc.

Thanks for replies so far.

So his step daughter is 26 (my daughter). I’m going to struggle with anyone who thinks that’s acceptable but perhaps that wasn’t clear.

The CM system reduces payments from him to the tune of over a grand a year if he manages to scrape 52 nights a year in. He would be paying the same if he had the children 103 nights a year. So he pays a grand less for one extra night. Again, that’s not ok in my view. It’s penalising his children.

I let him know I was ill as soon as I realised I was ill enough to require his help (as I said, twice in two years and both times he has refused help). I don’t care whether he had plans, the main care giver for his children was ill. It was his job to step in.

I’m completely over him. I have hobbies and have been on a few dates but that’s not for me for now. I don’t have other people to help me, family circumstances mean I’m very much a solo parent and friends work and have their own lives. Admittedly I’m not the best at asking for help but I do when I’m desparate.

Children are 4 and 7.

I was hoping for emotional resilience advice. Thanks!

Also the point about the age gap. I don’t think anyone is saying they’d feel okay about the age gap. Just try not to give it any headspace. How did you find out about it?

Also with illness, I wouldn’t be annoyed at
him saying no if it was just a cold and I felt rubbish. If I was ill enough to need doctors then I’d be fuming. I wouldn’t expect plans cancelled for the first though.

I agree with the pp. it seems you’re more resentful he gets to swan off and enjoy life most nights of the week whilst you’re having to adapt everything and do the lions share and that’s understandable. Do you ever get a break yourself/away from the kids? As they get older it’ll get easier for you, with school etc but remember to focus on yourself too. I know easier said than done if there’s no family around to help but maybe look into the occasional babysitter so you can enjoy some time to yourself.

Also if friends/family are telling you what he’s up to then tell them to stop. If you have social media don’t check up.

The only thing I really say to my
Friend (besides offering to have the kids on occasion) is that the children will grow up, they will realise the parent who made the sacrifices

I’m protective of how my daughter feels, aside from anything else, if it hurts her it hurts me. My children told me when he introduced them to her on skype without any prior discussion.

I felt ill enough to go to bed and not be able to look after my children. I would battle through a cold of course.

Of course I am resentful. Who wouldn’t be in this situation? I just wanted some tactics as to how to stop feeling so upset and angry about it all.

The only advice I have for you is what I'm trying to build resilience in myself. I'm going to classes at the gym (I tried zumba yesterday, and since I am very uncoordinated found it fairly hilarious and will go again) i understand this may be difficult for you, my children are older, but any exercise will make your body produce endorphins which will help lift your mood. I downloaded a meditation app and try to use it regularly. And I try to keep busy, when I sit down my mind tends to dwell and I struggle, so that's when I get up and find something to do.

That’s helpful thank you. I do exercise when I’m ‘allowed time off’ and you’re right, it helps. Maybe it just takes time.