Any advice? Progressing divorce while ill

[AForest]

Sorry this is so complicated and I am struggling. I will try and be concise:

I gave up work when I had the children and am now self employed in a physically demanding job
STBXH is a high earner with a good pension
We have 3 children, the oldest has complicated MH needs alongside ASD and is a school refuser
We still live together, he has the majority of the house, I have one room and sleep on a sofa bed and have done for 18months
I instigated the divorce due to no emotional support, never doing anything together, no sex.
I feel he is a narcissist and emotional abuser
We went to relate and he couldn't understand how I felt, couldn't say he loved me, it took 20 minutes to agree it was over and he wouldn't change or understand how I have been feeling.
He refuses to move out and I can't afford to rent.

So now we have the decree nisi
He hasn't been responding to any of my solicitors letters so nothing moves.
I am exhausted and now have a major health worry which is being investigated. It could possibly mean a life changing condition which would affect my ability to work. I have had some tests which have ruled out less serious conditions and am on a waiting list for a scan which could take 4 - 5 months.
I had an emotional breakdown a few days ago and told STBXH my health concerns. Now he said we need to finalise the divorce. He said he will buy me out but I cannot touch his pension.
Part of my problems are that I can't think straight and get confused easily. I am so desperate to get out. My solicitor has said we need to threaten court, I just don't think I can do it. I'm not strong enough anymore. I think my health is more important. Court will take so long, I feel I will never move out. The stress will finish me off. I can't live with him and fight him, its no good for the children or me.

I know if I read this I would say, he's taking you for a ride. He wants to complete things now in case I become more financially reliant and can claim more. I'm so trapped. I want him to keep the house as it is stability for the children, but I also need to have a roof over my head where I can live with the children some of the time.

I don't really know what I am asking. I suppose if I accepted an offer from him for the house and left his pension, is that acceptable to get the absolute even though I know its less than I am entitled to. Half the equity is only about £65,000 and I would need a shared ownership property as I cannot get a mortgage.

It feels like he has won, but maybe I need to just accept that and move on while I can or fight while I am ill and can't think straight.

Oh poor you..I have been there. I did walk away with less but had agreement to go back within a few years. Despite being entitled to more I am not sure I could cope with Ex being such a nasty bastard that I might have to prioritise my health.

What is the CETV on the pension? Who is the main carer because surely you need to be housed if it is you.
Is there any family that can support you?

Does your H have medical insurance, 4 months for a scan seems very long, usually timeframes if serious NHS is excellent.

Many people have gone through this so can help, if you keep posting. I was bullied by Ex and feel resentful for that but equally being away from someone with NPD is necessary as they do literally make you ill.

You need to listen to your solicitor. You will probably be entitled to 50% equity of the house plus some of his pension. Who will the dc live with? Hes seriously hoping that your health concerns will deter you from court action.

Thank you for the reply. He won't tell me the CETV on the pension just said it would be too expensive to pay the fees to share it. He currently earns £80000 and has been paying into it for 15 to 20 years. He was adamant so I think court would be the only way to claim some of it. He took me off the private healthcare years ago. We share the childcare now, but it was just me before. My parents have said they will help but only after the divorce is completed, but we have a difficult relationship. I asked for help to rent somewhere and they said I had to stick it out. I haven't told them I am ill as I don't want to worry them.

I'm having neurological symptoms which may be a brain problem or ms. I need an MRI but there is a long wait. I need to know what I am facing but feel close to the edge and my business is suffering as I have made a few mistakes.

Have you been to mediation? That may be a place to start.
Do you have a pension?

Is the house joint names and was it always that way?

You having a room and him having the rest may already be representative of ongoing inequity...
Do you have kids and if so who will care for them?

How long were you married?
All these are relevant.
The starting point should be 50/50 of all assets for long marriages and putting you back to where you were on short ones, so offering half the house equity may be good or bad depending on what assets / pension you have...

Depends on the scheme but unlikely to be fees to split the pension, even if there are some it is likely to be worth it for you.

A court can order a pension share..based on you getting at least 50% of the assets. The order goes to the pension company who just sort it.
Before court you have to try mediation and he needs to produce paperwork. He can stall but a court will order it.

He is being a bastard and I am sorry as I know how it feels. I was going through cancer diagnosis and Ex was forcing me to sign finances, threatened me in solicitors letters to apply for residence of DC (who would not live with him and told him) on the day before major surgery to remove tumours. Then whilst I was recovering he blocked my move and forced it to court, he pulled out the day before as he had no case but just wanted to bully me. The lengths some people will go to is terrifying.

Can you find paperwork for the pension, without that you can't really work out a deal.

When he pushes the divorce just keep stating you need full financial disclosure si can he respond to letters.

Please don't give in to him. Follow solicitor's advice. Pension share is important as is financial disclosure from him. Depending on health reasons you maybe able to access pension early.
I didn't follow my advice and have paid a financial penalty.

You need to pursue the pension too.

The fact that HX doesn't want you to touch it indicates it's a valuable asset to him. Don't be fobbed off because you feel unable to face the challenge. You are entitled to a share.
Instruct your solicitor?

My exh will have had a similar size CETV to your husbands for one of his pensions only, i took 50% of that one and left the other 2 alone, my fees were £1500 to get my share, so hes talking bollocks, oh and my share was just shy of £400,000. I had an extremely amicable divorce from my exh, the pension share is incredibly straight forward!

Thank you for the replies I have a lot to try and think about.

In answer to your questions @Otter71 He wasn't keen on mediation, and I feel nervous facing him IYSWIM, I know I shouldn't but I can't think very coherently under pressure. That probably sounds pathetic but I find it hard and end up shaking and being emotional.

I have a small pension which I paid into for 7 years when working.
The house is in joint names and has been since we bought it
3 kids oldest 14, youngest 8
Got married 17 years ago today

@Phillipa12 wow, that is a lot. I need to find that information out.

@lifebegins50 how unbelievably stressful and callous. It is shocking how people can treat someone they once cared for. I hope you are okay now

No, no, no. I too had a mental breakdown when my ex left but I still managed to get a great deal for myself.
Don't give in. You are in a great position and can get legal aid as you don't work and have a special needs child.
If you go along the court route you will get the house, half the pension and maintenance for the foreseeable future.
If necessary don't do anything more until you feel stronger, see your GP for meds if needed or you will be destroying your futre and your childrens future. Keep strong, you can do it.
Your ex doesn't care about you or the kids and will do anything to try and bully you out of what is rightfully yours.

I have no advice, but wanted to send hugs.

I hope all is alright with your scan and hope you get the best financial offer possible.

You need full financial disclose, which can be forced through the courts including him having to get a CETV for the pension, which I strongly suspect will be A LOT more money than the equity in the house. Think about it - if it wasn't much money he'd disclose it wouldn't he?

Myself and my ex had to pay £800 each for the pension split - pension was worth £350k and we had half each.

You cannot negotiate until you know what you're negotiating with - and he's right to be worried about your disability - you'll likely get a bigger share of the pot because you'll possibly have care needs in the future.

Do Not make any decisions for now.Hateful taking you off health insurance.His sitting on a pot of gold
It will stead you to wait on this one your lawyer is right.

Hope you listen to all this advice op.
You have to think long term.

Aforest please!!, You really need to think about this carefully.

I have only read a few of these posts and read that you are having investigations maybe leading to a diagnosis of MS.

This is important. Look at your life insurance policy. If you have CRITICAL ILLNESS COVER check it! Some policies cover ms and pay out on diagnosis. Mine did 12 years ago. If yours does it will pay out and potentially make the policy holder quite wealthy or pay off your mortgage.

This could be the reason why your husband is pushing now or could be your saving grace.

I have no other advice for you lovely lady other than if it is MS, stress makes your symptoms worse. Look after yourself as well as possible now and look forward to healthier stress free times ahead. Oh and look at claiming your pension on Ill health grounds if diagnosed also. Much love and strength x

It’s worth getting the lawyer. Please!!!

Thanks everyone, I swing from wanting to fight for a share of his pension, to wanting to draw a line and try and start again. I'll see what he offers. I don't think my health will allow me a court battle, sometimes things are more important than money.

@friendlywarrior he cancelled my critical illness cover a while back, against my wishes. There's a lot of cancer in my family so I thought it best to keep it, he said it wasn't worth the premium as I wasn't working at the time so he would support me in the event of illness.

Instead of a share of his pension you could offset your entitlement for a larger share of the equity.

I am divorcing with a SN child and if you are currently the main carer you can expect to get more than the usual 50% because your past and future earnings are restricted due to caring and your child could be at home longer eg in education until 25. This is ignoring your own health concerns. Some main carers with a SN child do get 100% house especially here where the equity is quite small compared to his earning / mortgage capacity. You could get the house and a decent share of the pension plus maintenance. Can you rent now with the CM, earnings or carers allowance and tax credits / housing benefit etc. I know lots of people say don’t move out but as you say sometimes other things are more important and it may take the pressure off to rush things through if you had your own space with the children even if you just rented for 6 months until the divorce is sorted. Any settlement needs to take into account the amount of future care your child needs and who will provide this. If one of you is compromising future income and the other isn’t that needs to be taken into account. If he isn’t willing to do the right thing by the mother of his children don’t expect he will by his children either. I’m not bothered about keeping the equity for myself but so I know my SN child will always have a home.

Thank you for the replies. He's offered me £40,000 (the total equity in the house is £130,000) will help with furniture as I can't touch his pension which has a value of £800k.

He says if we sell the house we will walk away with £50k each roughly after expenses and that is no good for the children. I'm fucked as I can't afford to take him to court. I just waiting to see what my solicitor says.

Thank you for the replies. He's offered me £40,000 (the total equity in the house is £130,000) will help with furniture as I can't touch his pension which has a value of £800k.

He says if we sell the house we will walk away with £50k each roughly after expenses and that is no good for the children. I'm fucked as I can't afford to take him to court. I just waiting to see what my solicitor says.

If you're ill and can't work and there is £130k equity in the house and he earns £80k AND has £800k in a pension I think it's safe to say you need to go to court if he's offering you £40k

There is still a lot to know about the situation but on those figures alone there is a strong case for you getting the bulk of the equity along with half the pension on those figures(maybe more depending on your medical needs)

What has the solicitor said now there is nearly £1m of assets?

@wobytide thanks for the reply, I'm waiting to hear back from her. He's only just offered that to me today and I feel a bit in shock that I still have a long fight ahead.

Oh my lovely x I can't imagine how you're feeling with all this. I just wanted to give you a hug and say that I believe that you can and should fight for what you are entitled to.. You may thank yourself in years to come. Life with any illness isn't easy and you will find that fighting for what you deserve is what you have to do sometimes. Keep going, the strength comes from somewhere xx