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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Feeling so lost...advice please?

17 replies

Mj1214 · 30/05/2019 19:42

Hi,
I've been seperated since Dec 2018. I just would love some words of wisdom as the pain of losing my children every few days as a result if 50:50 split is killing me slowly. It's the worst pain I've ever known. I just can't process it all, I'm stuck in this awful reality!!!! Any help would be lovely.

OP posts:
MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 30/05/2019 22:10

Just bumping this thread for you, OP.

Sorry things are so hard. Flowers

Palaver1 · 01/06/2019 07:09

But your not lost your found thats why your separated.
Your children do not make you , neither do they make you complete they are part of the things that make you complete.
They grow up so fast then what.what are you doing to make yourself YOU.
Only you can get yourself out of this start something new Gil l in your time .life is so short go for walks enjoy your company and silence.
Do it for yourself .Gradually you’ll notice a change think about making the best use of this time that you have to yourself

Original poster
Mj1214 · 01/06/2019 07:35

Palaver 1...thank you, from the bottom of my heart Thank you for such kind words x

OP posts:
Otter71 · 01/06/2019 10:43

Hugs to you. I feel the pain.. I separated about the same time. Eldest has barely spoken to me since. Youngest is 50/50. Lost and alone doesn't cover it but finding the positive in terms of avoiding him... The kids will however eventually leave for good so looking at what you want to do for you and getting some sort of improved social life or getting into a hobby or flexible study may help.

Depression may be a factor, certainly is for me. See your GP or look at available therapy local to you.

Moneymachine · 01/06/2019 14:21

It is heartbreaking but use it as ‘me time’ and enjoy all the things you couldn’t before! Kids became my life by default because I got so little support - I couldn’t do anything without them when I was not working. It was 24/7. So now I try to look at it as a positive . It’s hard. Sending you hugs

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/06/2019 14:22

Try and see your child free time as a positive. Use this time to have some ‘you’ time, start a hobby, coffee in small coffee shops and a book, quiet time in a lovely location, museums etc

eve34 · 01/06/2019 15:12

It gets easier in time. Although my children go eow so are with me most of the time.

As others say. Start using the time for you. I know it is not what you want. But give yourself a sense of purpose and routine. It fills the time. I started volunteering with the homeless. It gave me something to do. And help me reflect on my situation more positively.

It takes time I'm 18 months down the line. And although adjusting it still makes me sad. It is such a beautiful weekend this weekend. We as a family would of gone for a day out and enjoyed the lovely weather together. Instead I drop the kids off to ex and his gf for day out. I can't complain they have been with me all half term. I know I am very fortunate.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Mj1214 · 02/06/2019 06:12

Thank you all so much. I have seen a Dr, I'm not depressed but I am emotionally and physically exhausted by it all. It doesn't help that my ex is a but if a narcissist who loves to tell me off and correct me as often as he can.
I do reach out to friends, sadly I have only 3, and they have their own families and are too busy for a cuppa most of the time. The loneliness, the rejection of no one wanting me is something I need to fix asap.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 06:24

You are wanted so there is nothing absolutely nothing to fix.
Your relationship hasn’t worked doesn’t mean .that your not needed or wanted it will get better mark my words.
Take care

Sheepinsheepsclothing · 04/06/2019 23:01

Hi
Just joined as newly separated, moved into my own house this weekend although have not embarked on divorce yet. We separated last year after I found out about his affair but had to stay living together under the same roof. My DS age 10 went to stay with him
this Sunday. As he forgot to take school clothes I dropped them off and as I pulled into drive of his new house, he was sitting outside with his new girlfriend ( he hadn't even told me he had a girlfriend) and a group of our friends drinking wine in the sunshine! Felt such a tit, wanted the ground to swallow me up. Hope it gets easier.

Original poster
Mj1214 · 05/06/2019 05:44

That's just a really awful situation to have been a part of! He could have at least told you about the girl friend, especially if she is being integrated into your child's life!!
I'm about 6 months into all this now and for me it just keeps getting worse. He is playing some very nasty and cruel games with me and my family. I just want to have the bare minimum contact with him but he seems hell bent on trying to control us all.
I just can't believe this is my life!!!

OP posts:
eve34 · 05/06/2019 06:38

@Mj1214

Go as low contact as you can. Cms for child support and consistent access. Hopefully will reduce the amount of contact you need to have.

My ex is also a narc. And a bully. It has take. Me months to take
Control. He wanted to come
And go as he pleased. Walking into
The house and helping himself to drinks. I lock the doors and make him knock and wait. I only respond to messages I have too. It has taken a long time to break the habit of jumping every time he asks for something because I no longer have too play his games. Stay strong. It all takes time.

Sheepinsheepsclothing · 05/06/2019 06:43

So sorry to hear that. I have a friend who had an awful time with her ex but is now really happy, but it took 4 years. Trying to take one day at a time. The worst thing for me is hearing that he took his girlfriend out and met all our friends- I have left the village we lived in for 20! Years and feel very much like i'm starting from scratch. I feel like I've been betrayed by people I thought were my friends. I had planned a holiday in 4 weeks with my DS and DD but now my son is saying he doesn't want to come and wants to stay with his dad. Do I make him come?? That made me feel awful too and I ended up crying last night for the first time in months.

Sheepinsheepsclothing · 05/06/2019 06:48

@Mj1214 @eve34
Seems to be a common thread here- I'm also convinced my ex has NPD. Suffered years of coercive controlling behaviour. It's hard to maintain distance when you have to discuss kids. X

ivykaty44 · 05/06/2019 06:51

It doesn't help that my ex is a but if a narcissist who loves to tell me off and correct me as often as he can.

When is he doing this and how?
How old are children?

Try looking at meet ups on the Internet for social events when you don’t have the children, from badminton clubs, book clubs, going to the pub for a chat clubs or out for brunch, many lively people to go out and make friends. Also you can just pick up things to do when dc are not there

eve34 · 05/06/2019 08:25

@Sheepinsheepsclothing sorry to hear of your situation. It is so hard moving on. But you will get yourself to a better place.

How old is your ds. I would say the holiday is none negotiable and I am sure once you are there he will get into the swing of things.

We have been conditioned over the years to do as they say. It is a hard habit to break.

Sheepinsheepsclothing · 05/06/2019 09:15

Thank you @eve34 .He is 10 but can be a little git when he wants to be. My 16 year old daughter is coming too, I must say she has been an absolute star. Tbh I have heard on the grapevine that ex is going away with his girlfriend that week so he will have to come with us, although haven't mentioned that to my son. Feel much better today I must say, sometimes a good nights sleep makes a lot of difference.

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