He has never mentioned that we are divorced

[nannytothequeen]

My ex h and I split up almost 3 years ago after a 25 year relationship. At first I was reasonably open to an amicable split for the sake of our children, notwithstanding the fact he had been quite horrible to me and I had been walking on eggshells for a long time because of his 'unhappiness ' and 'depression '. However that kind of went out of the window when I discovered he was secretly seeing a colleague and this had been brewing for some time before he left. As far as I am concerned the whole separation was a big subterfuge and to make matters worse she was a casual friend of mine who turned very nasty very quickly.

Quite quickly my ex became very
Pained with the way I spoke to him and the tone I took. He claimed that there was no need for a nasty tone and he wanted me to be nice to his lady friend. Oh how I laughed! So because of his not liking my tone he refuses to have any communication with me about the kids except via text and he answers these at his convenience and fairly sporadically. I just crack on with things done my way now and he has the odd tantrum.

My lawyer suggested after two years apart that I just get on with a divorce. Which I did. I had no communication with him because he doesn't generally respond anyway and im not going to run around like a fo trying to get his attention. I had papers served on him at his work and my lawyer made any necessary contact. I did tell her that he would be charm itself to her and she would wonder what my problem was. She actually said that he was very charming but with a big dose of attempted manipulation and she had to remind him that I was her client, not him. So the divorce went through and all paperwork was posted. And he has never said a single word about it. I have had some texts about the kids and a couple of ridiculous texts that I have batted away. But nothing about the divorce, even after all those years and after I did all the work getting snd paying for the divorce. It's like a weird kind of ghosting where he doesn't even seem to recognize we were even married.

It sounds as though you are struggling to move on.

Ultimately, you aren't together any more. What would you have liked him to do to acknowledge the divorce, given that you're clear that things are far from amicable between you?

You consciously ruled out keeping things amicable when you found out about the other woman. I completely understand the hurt, but as he has felt the need to limit interaction with you because of the way you've been engaging with him it is perhaps not surprising that he hasn't talked to you about the divorce itself.

You don't say how old your kids are. But the one thing that always holds true in divorces where kids are involved, is that the greater the ongoing hostility and conflict between the parents is, the more harm the divorce does to the kids. Perhaps now is the time for you both to let go of the hurt that has been done (and doubtless he would have his own version - divorce always has two sides to it), and move to a more constructive relationship that focuses purely on co-parenting the kids? When that's possible, it is always what's best for them.

If you can't do that, then I'd suggest that you need to move on anyway - fretting over things like why he hasn't mentioned the divorce continues to focus your emotional energy on the past. Look forward, and invest your energy in building the best future for you.

Being unfaithful doesn't have two sides to it.

I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to how far I have moved on or not. It was a long relationship with a sour end and I certainly can not be all lovely to him and her , which is what he wants. Neutral is my best shot if I must. I didn't really expect anything from him with regard to our divorce. Maybe a thank you as I did all the work and paid for it?

And maybe him recognizing that we are divorced might help the co-parenting. Btw I wouldn't describe myself as fretting. Wondering more like.

And I hate to drip feed but I will. I have been recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I tried to call him and message him to let him know so that my kids could be supported whilst I was in hospital. He didn't pick up my calls or answer my messages so in the end I sent s text. He responded a few days later saying that this is the consequence of me not being nice to him and his girlfriend. Nice, eh?

I think people who say divorce always has two sides haven't been married to people who were abusive Not acknowledging the divorce is another way of keeping control of the situation, and maybe you could ask yourself why it bothers you so much? My XH (20yrs married) used to pretend he didn't recognise my voice when I very occasionally needed to ring him. Just a way of messing with my head. It doesn't sound like you are going to get the closure you need here, and it is unlikely he is going to acknowledge your work. A wise MNer told me 'when you have reached the land of meh, you are free'. It took me a while to feel 'meh' about my XH, but I'm a lot better at it now. Sounds trite, but time is a great healer.

Oh that is awful x

And I hate to drip feed but I will. I have been recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I tried to call him and message him to let him know so that my kids could be supported whilst I was in hospital. He didn't pick up my calls or answer my messages so in the end I sent s text. He responded a few days later saying that this is the consequence of me not being nice to him and his girlfriend. Nice, eh?

I'm very sorry that you are seriously ill. Please don't contact him about it anymore, he will just use this information to frustrate you and you don't need that negative energy at this time. Your kids should be old enough now to be able to tell him when they need some support. Alternatively, try to get your family to offer your kids some emotional support.

I hope you will get better, good luck.

Spongebob. The pretending not to recognize my voice is just the kind of thing my ex would do! Don't think I have reached the land of meh yet. Hard when you have to have ongoing dealings. I would rather not have told him about my cancer at all. I was talked into it by my friends who said surely he will be helpful with the kids. Not true. Has caused me loads of stress. Should have gone with my instinct.

Sadly I have no family. Not one person. Well apart from a great aunt who is 90and lives in Canada. I send her a Christmas card.

That all sounds really difficult Nanny. Yes, going forwards trust your instincts. I think people don't realise how deeply disordered people can be, but you have more insight into it, sadly. Can you just email the bare necessities to him? I just gave up ever hoping for a reasonable response to anything other than basic arrangements.

Did the financials get resolved amicably, rather than court?

I wouldn't dwell on his lack of comment, not sure what could be appropriate. "sorry it didn't work out and good luck" .

I think an apology seems to acknowledge fault so very unlikely. I imagine it only happens where there is genuine sadness on both sides. Most people are however pleased to be able to move on from an partner hence the reason for divorce . Maybe reflection/softening will come years later.

I am so sorry for your diagnosis. I had very similar and it confirmed that my ex was devoid of empathy..a disordered individual and possible sociopath.

Like you I was encouraged to tell him all the gory details as dc said he was saying he didn't know anything (not true).
I spelt it all out in an email and 2 days later got a solicitors letter threatening to apply to court for residence of my DC, clearly if I was seriously ill, all resources and DC had to go to him. He did it to force me to agree financials as I was under such stress. My consultants at hospital were dumbfounded that anyone could do it and wrote letter to his solicitor as they thought he might not get it..no impact. Older DC went non contact as a result.

Until you meet someone who has no empathy or remorse you cannot believe it and you assume fault on both sides. I was married to him for years and when the mask slipped I struggled to believe it..surely a sociopath would be easier to spot?? Not so, charming and manipulative are their tools.

I believe signifcant emotional stress can trigger illness so abusive relationships do impact you for years afterwards.
I found learning about disordered individuals helpful as I know that there is no point appealing to a better side as he doesn't have one.

OW will see another side to him at some stage..they never change so don't doubt it and you are free whilst she still has it all to come.

It takes a particular kind of bastard to respond in that way to you. I'm so sorry you are ill and I hope you make a great recovery. What a worry for you. You know now what he is, don't you? Don't even attempt to have any contact with him now.

How old are your children?

life begins - good post - you can always tell when someone has had experience of a 'disordered individual'. I have also had a similar experience - i was baffled by his behaviour for a long time - once I started doing my homework it became clear what i was really dealing with. I has really helped me in the way I interact with him now we have split. The things they do are indeed unbelievable!