Wife wants to separate - money, house, sex issues

[tvaustin]

Im 37 year old man and my wife is 35. We have been together for 19 years and were our 1st sexual partners. We have been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys - 12, 10 and 3.

This week she has told me she wants us to separate and there is no changing her mind. I honestly thought we would be together forever. There is nobody else involved she just said she loves me as a best friend but is not in love with me in a sexual way. Our sex life has been poor since we bought our house 15 years ago. We were only having sex about 5 times a year and last time was about 6 months ago. I am not well endowed and it just always seemed a chore for her. We tried sex toys which helped a little but did not improve the frequency of sex.

She has said she doesn't find me attractive anymore and I know I am no looker. Our marriage breakdown was due to a number of reasons but mainly money. We are constantly in debt and owe about £20000 on credit cards at the minute despite remorgaging time and time again. I would do all possible overtime at work to help but neglected my family. I would rarely go out with them due to me being at work.

As I have said it's too late now and we will separate. I have had suicidal thoughts but plan on going to doctors this week. I have always thought I was punching above my weight as my wife is very beautiful and one hold up I have is her moving on and getting another man and them having sex everyday and her thinking why didn't I do this sooner! She has said while the kids are at home she is not interested in another man and will not entertain getting with one till kids move out. I just said who knows how u will feel.

As I said I am no looker and not well endowed. When I was at school I only had 1 girlfriend as nobody was interested in me and I used to sit in my bedroom every night till I was 17 all alone as all my friends had girlfriends. I moved to my wife's home town and through my own fault don't have any friends and I can just imagine me in the future just sitting in a 1 bedroom place crying every night.

My wife has said I can see the kids before/after school whenever I want, have tea round there, go on holiday with her and kids etc but I am just scared for the future and my insecurities.

As mentioned we owe £20000 and wife has said she will help pay it off. It will all be paid of next year as my workplace is closing and I am due £20000 redundancy money. Our house value is £130000 and we owe £116000 so once sold we will be left with little due to fees etc.

Does anybody know where both of us stand regarding rehousing? We plan to ring shelter up this week.

You are not homeless so there's no council help - you need to look for private rented though ideally stay both living in the house until it's sold. You can both apply for uc if eligible, but the one without the kids won't be entitled to more than the single person housing allowance if eligible (not likely as working). So sorry but it's a case of working through it yourself at this point - once the house is sold you can both go on the housing list but they are usually very long

Why are you paying off £20k joint debt?!

We have about £12000 in savings/borrowing from family. Wife has Said it is our debt even though she owes about £1000. She has agreed to contribute towards the debt by me not paying as much csa when it comes to it.

We plan to both stay here until the house is sold due to not having any spare money to rent and pay mortgage. Wife has the option to stay at her mum's but will be very cramped in spare bedroom. If we did do private renting, how would we both stand regarding going on the council housing register.

THere are so many things in this.

You may as well forget the council lists ..Neither of you are homeless...

Bu the plan seems to be not giving you any time with the children without her...This needs sorting out. You children are entitled to a relationship with you separate to you.

@starlight455 I agree many things in here! Wife has said kids can stay at my new place when I get 1 every weekend. She has offered for me to go round hers for tea etc so I get to see the kids whenever we agree as she knows I will miss them dearly and just wants me to be able to cope easier and for kids To see their dad as much as possible. My wife and I are best friends but there was no physical attraction for her and she didn't want to go the rest of her life without sex

With private renting, I was having a look on right move. I have never rented before and was just wondering after deposit etc is paid is there any other bills to pay apart from the monthly rent i.e water bills, council tax, tv or are they included in the rental price

You have had a shock. And need to take stock.

Get to your gp. And look into local counselling services. There are charities that offer sessions at reduced rate

Although you are best friends your wife is on a different page to you now. and may promise you the earth right now. That will change so time to get tough. I was promised exs whole pension each month. Then it went to half. Now I haven't had any child support since the summer. They say what you want to hear to ease their guilt. Friend or not.

Money. All debts are 50/50. Get the house valued and sold and debts written off.

Look at house shares. I know it's not ideal but you need to get a place of your own that you can take the children too. Yes you will likely to have to pay bills as well as rent. Unless you rent a room and you are a lodger. Then it is just the price advertised.

Looking forward how will your work fit around seeing the children. Can you finish early one day a week and collect them from school. Take them for tea/ park and picnics. Then weekend contact as you see fit. Not ideal I know. You need to establish a good routine moving forward. For your own sake as well as the children.

Start building your own life/friends. Would you like to do a college course or activity you could just get out with new people.

I started volunteering not to make friends but to fill the void of being on my own at weekends. It gave me a structure and this really helped in the early days.

Start getting practical. Look at your finances. And look into benefits if appropriate. It isn't easy but a year further down the line you will start to see some light again.

CSA isn’t always her call. Sounds to me like she’s trying to screw you over if I’m honest. I’d get professional advice.

OP you sound very, i don’t know how to say this gently, unworldly.

It sounds like money is going to be a very significant issue. Less so for you wife as she will get fairly significant benefits.

If it’s not acrimonious, i would suggest that you suggest you continue to live together, you on the sofa, whilst you make some headway with money.

Highly unlikely that your wife will need to move. The courts will want to know that the parent with PR of the children has stable living arrangements and she’s not going to able to do much if you sell and split the very new meagre proceeds

Thanks everyone. I currently work shifts 6am - 2pm and 2pm - 10pm Monday to Friday alternating. When we do live separate I plan to see the kids as much as possible whether it be before school or after school. Wife has said kids can stay with me Friday night and Saturday night so long as nothing else is planned.

Still can't believe this is happening. Yes I am worried about money and the future. I have told wife I would do anything for us to stay together but she is adamant this is what she wants. I plan on getting myself back into shape (joined gym about month before announcement). I hope she will change her mind down the line but she has said she wont be held accountable if she doesnt. It just seems so hard that she is willing to give up 19 years togetherness.

My wife is not a spiteful person. She has offered to contribute towards the debt even though cards are in my name.

Doctors open in 30 mins so hopefully get tablets today to help me cope with all this

You're married so half the house and half the debt are yours.

Get your head together and some good advice. You're talking about "she'll let xyz happen" but you need to agree- she's leaving you.

Good luck mate!

What has the debt been spent on?

The debt has been spent on number of things - holiday, food shops, car insurance, things for house, new phones. Nothing major but all little things which added up

That's joint debt then, and should be split. If you are made redundant after you divorce then you don't have to split your redundancy pay.

Went to doctors this morning and because I have suicidal thoughts would only give me sleeping tablets but has refered me to crisis team where I am now waiting to be seen.

Regarding the debt wife has been in tears trying to find a way to pay £10000 of the debt. She looked at loans but because of low income has no hope of getting one. She phoned up national debt line and explained everything and they said the debt is mostly in my name so she is basically debt free so no 50/50 split. She has still offered to contribute to paying the debts off by me keeping all proceeds from house, me paying less maintenance etc

Yes this is correct. I don't know why previous posters are saying debt is 50:50. This is patently not the case. The debt belongs to the person named on the credit agreement. A person can't contract on someone else's behalf for debt. Your wife must sign for it and she didn't. What debts have your name on them, are yours.

The thing is, keep calm, and take stock of the situation. This is a long road (one I'm embarking on at the moment). Get legal advice ASAP from an actual family lawyer. First consultation should be free. Write questions done beforehand so you don't forget anything, although a good lawyer is good at directing these conversations. Moreover, good luck. Life is short. It is important to be able to move on and find peace.

Also, and I have to say it, being 'less endowed' should and likely doesn't have anything to do with is. No matter how superficial a woman is, there has to be more to a relationship than a large penis. If it were your penis size it would have lasted a couple of sex sessions not years.

. The debt belongs to the person named on the credit agreement.

You haven’t been through a divorce, have you? Because you are wrong.

Same as if only one of the married party is one the deeds of the property.

It means squat all.

It’s ALL put in the pot in divorce proceedings. Both assets and liabilities

So had crisis meeting. Told them everything including suicidal thoughts. Told them I wish to be admitted to mental hospital and just sedated as just can't cope. They said they couldn't as didn't have mental issues. They gave me some leaflets to take home.

Got back home and just couldn't cope. Wife phoned up crisis centre and they said they couldn't do anything and to get back in touch with doctors.

Went back to doctors with wife and explained the thoughts I was having. Doctor was really good and said too many couples separate without trying. Asked my wife why does she want to separate etc he made some valid points / tips about us trying to sort things out. Lifted me up but just looking at wife - she just does not want to try which upsets me. We're in there well over an hour and when we came out wife looked suicidal not me lol. I just can't accept this and want to fight for our marriage but wife has given up

@tvaustin

I do know how you feel. I don't know how I kept getting up and going to work and handling the kids. Your world has been turned upside down and you can't see how you can move forward from this.

The bottom line is there is no alternative. You have to keep getting up and doing. It seems impossible and some days I just went hour by hour. My gp gave me anti depressants. They helped to numb my emotions. But I spent many hours crying in my car. I found a charity for counselling. Talked endless at friends about how unjust it all was. But I knew I couldn't get ex to change his mind. And I didn't want to be with someone out of pity. I and you deserve so much better.

You have had a shock and need time to adjust to what is a completely life changing situation. Get some real life support around you. Start to be practical about how the future is going to look. And how you and your wife are going to move forward and support the children.

Joining the gym is a good starting point. Good for your physical and mental well being.

Sadly mental health services are at breaking point. And not a place you want to be. I get it. You want the world to stop and get off the merry go round. But you will keep going for the children. And you will get to a better place. It is going to take time. And lots of self care. Did the gp give you any medication? Start googling counselling. And get some legal advice about the house/money/care of the children. Starting point is 50/50.

You need to get people around you. Your wife is not part of your support network.
Just keep going Day by day. I know this is not what you want but you will find peace further down the line.

Feeling a bit better today and even got a hair cut. I have briefly had a look at renting today and just wanted some advice. Went to shelter today mad They said I would be low priority. I looked at rental and ideally would like 2 bedroom place due to kids staying over. I am looking at about £600 a month. My mortgage is currently £665 so i was thinking about keeping the mortgage on. Wife is open to the idea of me being single name on mortgage but will obviously need to get legal advice. With my current wage and my essential outgoings (single council tax, gas, electric, tv license, child maintenance etc) I have worked out I would have £475 left a month to buy food and petrol. Is that sustainable? Obviously this is us with no debt, house in my name. It just seems better to have my own place which I have put time and effort into for only £65 a month more. I know a 1 bedroom place is about £400 a month but just feel this could be an opportunity to stay here?

@eve34 just want to say thanks for the long reply. Lots of guidance in there. Can I ask about your situation, where u r at now. If u want to do it privately then u can

@tvaustin

No worries. I'm 18 months down the line. But still have not so good days. But over the worst.

The house was mine before I met ex. So his return is relatively small. Although I don't yet have the funds to pay his share I do plan to buy him out if I can get the mortgage in my own name. Fixed rate ends next year so will explore my options then.

Kids are with me he sees them every other weekend. And has no other contact. His choice. I have not been obstructive about him seeing the kids in anyway. But from day one put very clear boundaries in place. He thought we would be friends and he could come and go as he pleased. That wasn't going to work for me he had ow/gf in tow. And he moved in to a place with her 12 weeks after in left me. I made it very clear that other than the kids/money I wanted nothing to do with him. After a run of very bad behaviour towards me before he left.

Child support has been difficult I got Cms involved even though we had agreed an amount he messed about paying his way. So took the control away from him. Although he is now not working.

I work and have some benefits coming in. It is a struggle. Looking at your sums I think you will find it difficult. Once My bills are paid I'm left with £50 a week for food. £50 fuel. I travel around for work so this is not negotiable and £40 spends. But things are expensive when the kids need shoes clothes. Car needs repairing or something at the house needs repairing. I'm stuffed.

I would get some legal advice. Find somewhere with first hour free. The house is not always 50/50 split. Depending on who will have the
Children the most. If you can agree on how you move things forward then that of course would be better then legal fees and court. So hope your wife holds up her agreement.

I'd keep the house if you can. Can you buy out your wife?

I realise you've had a terrible disappointment, but this will not define the rest of your life. I promise. All you have to do is keep moving forward, even if it's by the tiniest of degrees.

And seriously, try and stop worrying about your looks and (ahem) size. Seriously.

Perhaps you're still a bit stuck in the mindset you had before you met your wife. I bet you have tons going for you. If you don't feel you do, then now is a perfect time to make some changes.
Focus on your kids, focus on looking after yourself. It's ok to feel miserable and sad, but I promise you, it will pass if you want it to.

Have a look at Wayne Dyer's videos - I found him seriously inspiring after my last break up.

Best of luck op
😊