This is a long one - sorry. But I need some perspective. My partner of almost a year is going through a very high conflict divorce.
It has taken a long time for him to actually start divorcing his ex. The marriage was abusive and she is highly manipulative and controlling. She wanted to keep up the pretence of a marriage for their child, while discreetly seeing others on the side and sharing childcare and two homes. So basically living a sort of sham marriage. Kind of separated. Kind of not.
He says that he wasn’t happy with this arrangement (which it seems was assumed and not properly voiced). He moved out to his own place and they started living separate places with some crossover for childcare - while both seeing other people (casually it seems). He had a brief relationship prior to me which he was forced to stop because she didn’t like it. He gave in.
Then a few months later he met me. And wanted a long term relationship. Initially we kept things secret. Once she found out she reacted violently (literally).
Now the divorce is well underway it’s becoming very very difficult. Mediation has been a nightmare (he shouldn’t even be doing it as it’s a DV case) and they have now ended up in email and solicitors letters slanging matches. Court is now on the cards. She simply will not negotiate.
I’ve been through a divorce myself and come out the other side so I know how stressful it can be.
But the biggest issue right now is this:
When he told their child about us she was happy initially. She wanted to know all about me and my kids, our dog etc. She was smiling. She was happy for him.
Soon after that her mother ‘put her right’ and she started saying things like “your new family” and distancing herself from him.
We waited 8 months to introduce each other - had a relaxed day out with the kids together - and she said she liked us. Said she would see us again soon. That evening her mother hit the roof and changed her mind. Again.
Her mother will not allow her daughter to have any part in our lives. So since then she has said she doesn’t want to meet us ever, we aren’t her family (I know this is true actually) and that her Dad being with someone else is basically unacceptable. His daughter has said that he should wait until she goes to college (in 3 years) and then he can have another relationship. She’s 12. But this is exactly what her mother has said several times.
When he pointed out that he would be lonely and unhappy living like that it didn’t seem to make any difference. He finds it difficult to talk to her about these issues. She clams up.
My partner is now feeling that he has to make a straight choice between his daughter and a relationship with me.
It’s pretty clear that his Ex would love to split us up and her tactics now seem to be working.
I love him dearly and up until recently I always thought there was a future ahead with him. Now I’m not sure. I really don’t know what to do.