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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How long to stay in the family home?

26 replies

Dietcoke131 · 22/05/2019 22:42

Separated and ExH moved out of the family home in September 2018.

I was previously not working and staying at home to take care of the DC's both under 4 years, started working part time in December 2018. ExH is self employed and earns 5 times what I make.

What is a reasonable time frame to stay in the family home? ExH is still paying the mortgage and I pay the bills. ExH is aggressively pushing for me and the DC's to now move out so the house can be sold. Or rented out while waiting to be sold? Meanwhile I have to get a mortgage or rent... he shows no interest in where the DC's will have to move to, that responsibility is all on me.

Just trying to gauge what is fair here? If anybody has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/05/2019 23:08

How much money is available in the house if it's sold? Could you possibly pay the mortgage if you worked more hours?

Original poster
Dietcoke131 · 22/05/2019 23:24

No the mortgage is totally out of my budget. Around 40k equity.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/05/2019 23:27

Have you seen a solicitor?

klendraa · 22/05/2019 23:28

If you can’t afford the mortgage you will have to sell the house/leave/rent etc.

babyno5 · 22/05/2019 23:29

@Dietcoke131 stay put and don't entertain him pushing. I have 2 friends who as part of divorce have been allowed to stay in house with ExH paying mortgage until children finished at school. Your children have that right. Get yourself a good lawyer xx

HennyPennyHorror · 22/05/2019 23:30

Baby that's what I was thinking....I've seen that situation a few times on Mumsnet.

lifebegins50 · 22/05/2019 23:32

You don't move unless there is a financial agreement as otherwise you may have to move multiple times and renting will just cost you money that could be spent on house deposit.

What is happening to sort finances? Feels like the wants to apply pressure when really he needs to agree a way forward. Is it amicable and do you think he will be fair?I'd get a good solicitor and consider mediation if he is fair.
Do you know the finances including any pension he may have?

klendraa · 22/05/2019 23:34

@babyno5
@HennyPennyHorror

That’s one of MN biggest divorce myths. If you can’t afford to pay the mortgage, 99.9% you will have to sell the house etc.

This is because the vast majority of people cannot afford to pay for two homes.

Even if EX can afford that a time will come when EX wants to buy a house with new partner and can’t, what if Ex can no longer afford mortgage, what if OP wanted to cohabit or marry?

It’s just silly to stay dependent on someone for that long.

Original poster
Dietcoke131 · 22/05/2019 23:35

Yes I just had the divorce papers through this week and appointed a solicitor but it is still very much up in the air as he has refused to complete a voluntary financial disclosure but yet wants to negotiate things between ourselves, make plans for the house etc. with me having no evidence or information to go from.

He puts me on edge having these aggressive demeaning conversations at pick ups and drop offs. He makes me feel so low about myself like I am doing something wrong for not trying to keep everything stable for the DC's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dietcoke131 · 22/05/2019 23:36

**For trying to keep everything stable and settled for the DC's..... that should be.

OP posts:
Hollyhobbi · 22/05/2019 23:50

He should most definitely not be having those conversations in front of the children!!

babyno5 · 23/05/2019 00:38

@klendraa I'm not basing what I said on MN but on RL - 2 close friends!!

Collaborate · 23/05/2019 07:14

Don't move out right now. Go through the process of financial disclosure, then take advice on what to do next. There's insufficient for you to rehouse yourself after all of this, so staying put has to be an option. Spouse maintenance is also an option if needed.

Collaborate · 23/05/2019 07:17

@klendraa As a divorce lawyer, I have to correct you. It's not a MN myth.

lifebegins50 · 23/05/2019 07:23

Ok, he doesn't sound reasonable so sadly you will have to approach this firmly.

If you know enough about the finances such as the assets and his pension you could approach a solicitor for advice and then propose a deal to him.
Priority I guess is housing, can you see a way to afford a new place for you and children?

I would also advise you speak to a mediator but make sure it is one that will be firm on your Ex.
It is reasonable that he pays child support and spousal maintenance (for a short period of time) to allow you to get back on your feet if his income allows. If he has a pension then he needs to get CETV.

If he is aggressive then don't share your plans until you have a way forward. I stupidly thought Ex would be a good guy but he used my openness to plot against me.
Sadly men on this position often just focus on themselves and completely ignore their children.
Do you have support?

I would suggest you send him an email to state that financial discussions are best conducted at scheduled times when there is full financial disclosure and not at handover or in front of children. Then ask when he will provide details of his finances?

stucknoue · 23/05/2019 07:47

Do you know roughly what he earns as how the courts deal with the home will change if he earns say £40k vs £100k. Length of marriage matters too with 10 years a bit of a cut off. He could be ordered to pay spousal maintenance on top of child maintenance but he needs enough to live on so if he cannot afford to buy a new house and pay half the mortgage on your house it's not that likely whereas my h can easily afford to pay the costs on our place and buy his own place so he's accepting that he will need to offer something along those lines.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/05/2019 09:08

I wouldn't be discussing anything or even considering moving until he has disclosed his financial situation.

millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2019 11:19

There is no automatic right to stay in the family home until children are 18, but that doesn’t mean there is no right at all

You need to understand the overall position with regard to finances and assets and seek legal advice before you agree anything.

It’s probably unlikely that your ex would be expected to finance you living there long term but don’t agree to anything or to divorce without reaching agreement in the financials via solicitors

NorthernSpirit · 23/05/2019 17:41

The reality is if you did get a mesher order for a period of time (not guaranteed as judges have to consider a clean break between parties) then you would have to pay the mortgage and upkeep of the property.

The father also needs to be in a position to provide suitable accommodation for the children to stay with him.

IMO Mesher orders are a bad idea and only prolong the inevitable. If your kids are 4 years old now and you get to stay in the FMH for day a further 14 years how are you going to fund yourself in 14 years time. It’s likely that you will have to sell, give the ex his share of the equity (i’m presuming you will be unable to buy him out). And then what? If we presume you are 35 years old now (as a guesstimate) - you’ll be 49 years old. It’s harder to get a mortgage at that age.

Personally I would face into this now.

Itsallchange · 23/05/2019 18:00

I am currently seperating from my H and following initial legal advice, it was suggested a Mesher order be in the best interest of the children. I did want to initially move out but due to additional needs of my son and previously having to give up work for a time and then going back on reduced hours I would not be able to secure a mortgage right now on my own, meaning renting but this comes with concerns regarding my sons behaviour and the possibility we could be asked to leave. Our neighbours are sympathetic to his needs. He has agreed to this in principal and can afford to rent a property, he would rather buy but I will be paying for the mortgage and running costs and he will still gain equity on the property at the time of sale or when I am in a position to get a mortgage in my own name. So a Mesher can be done ideally I wouldn’t have one but we have debts and not enough equity to be able to rehouse both parties

Original poster
Dietcoke131 · 23/05/2019 21:01

Thank you each one of you who has commented with some advice.

I would say roughly he is on £150,000 yearly but that is split through a salary, shares, dividends. He picks and chooses what comes out of where as he is a self employed business owner. It is very frustrating as he also wants to lower down the child maintenance payments going forward as part of this finical order but I blatantly know he's lying about his true income.

Since he left the family home in Sept, he set himself up in a city centre apartment that costs more than our mortgage. He simply just wants us to move out and the costs to be split so he gets a clean break and can get his own mortgage on a new house.

Also important to note, we have been together 11 years and lived together for 9 years.

I just don't feel anywhere near ready to get my own mortgage, I am not where I want to be with my career or personal finances - only just getting back on track. Why should I have to be on his timescale? Why should he get all his own way time and time again? I honestly feel since we have split I am being bullied by him, contact arrangements, school matters... etc Doesn't matter what it is, he will always find a way to put me down and question me while actually he is the one that has let us all down.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 23/05/2019 21:06

this kind of income falls within spouse maintenance territory.

OhamIreally · 23/05/2019 21:37

I think your last post gets to the heart of it. My ex was very much like this - the home was to be sold or rented out, 50/50 split and our child was my sole responsibility. I stayed in the home and massively reduced contact which helped me think more clearly.

Your problem is that even if you were awarded all the equity you still can't afford the mortgage on your own.

I think given his earnings full financial disclosure has to be pushed for. You get one chance at this and if he screws you over you can't go back for a second chance. Potentially he could be made to pay your solicitor's fees I believe. Collaborate may be able to give you advice on that.

Original poster
Dietcoke131 · 23/05/2019 21:53

Yes he is paying my solicitor's fees as long as I don't defend myself or delay the process basically.

I just feel massively trapped by him. I am a Secondary school teacher but took a part time different role as I was panicking about money so its enough to pay my bills and some nice things for the DC's when needed.

My solicitor is good but again she wouldn't advise me too much given she has no financial evidence to go from. MN is so good for just getting frank and honest opinions and experiences.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 23/05/2019 22:45

Is he agreeing to pay your solicitors fees as long as you agree to everything he wants? No decent solicitor would agree to this. They would most likely suggest mediation as your first option. Please don't be bullied into doing anything or going anywhere. He left the house. Don't listen to his self serving crap about you and the kids moving out so he can sell it. If you move out he could very possibly move back in! You need to harden up. He is no longer your friend and by the sound of it he doesn't even care where his wife and kids end up living. He's an utter disgrace! Do you have a financial paper trail from your marriage? Can you prove he is earning alot of money?

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