Moving on after divorce

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I am sure this topic has been discussed repeatedly here, but i am not where i am at the moment and wtf is going on with me.

Divorced this month a year, separated for 3 years. Two teens, and have basically been a single parent to them since as exdh moved countries. I was really not all that interested in meeting anyone else, but by chance, I did. He also recently divorced.

I made it clear from the outset of us meeting that I wanted to take things slow, which was fine as he also works away quite a bit. In the past he has pushed things a bit to move forward more seriously, mentioned moving in with me which I stopped dead in the tracks as I def was not ready for that type of commitment. Fast forward another 6 months, and I am just not sure where I am mentally, what I want, if and how I want to move forward at all.

I think I am just afraid of any type of commitment now. He is really lovely and will do anything for me. I do love him but recently I feel just a bit smothered.

We have been seeing each other just short of a year, so its not like its just a ons or fwb, that sort of thing. But I can feel I am pushing him away, and I know he is going to sit down and ask me what is happening, and I don't even know what to say, as I don't know myself.

Is this normal? Has anyone else been through this. I don't want to be blaming everything that happens on my bad marriage and shit that I have been through.

I don't know what I want essentially. But I also don't want to lose someone who really does care for me very much. But I also know that I cant keep pushing him away either, as its not fair.

Anyone get where I am coming from? I don't think i even explained things well here and I just cant find the words to express myself at all lately.

It's perfectly fine for you to want a relationship that doesn't progress to moving in / marriage etc. You're far from alone - I have no desirr to live witb anyone agajn, at least until my kids are grown and have flown the nest. And I will sure as hell never marry again, because I'm not a human cashpoint 🙂. Absolutely nothing wrong with that being what you want.

There's also nothing wrong with him if that's what he does want.

The key is to work out if you want the same thing, and are working in the same direction (even if at different speeds). If you do want fundamentally different things, it's not going to work. And you'll only figure that out by talking. If you're genuinely unsure what you want (as opposed tk being unsure if it's okay to not want the living together etc), then you may benefit from some therapy to help you figure that out.

I admire you for not letting yourself be road railed into something you’re not sure about (moving in with him). But are you really happy on your own ? Lots of people are. He could just stay in your life as a very good friend at least for now. I agree with Slightly that you could get some therapy to help you.

Thanks for the replies.

I did have some therapy sessions post the separation, I thought I was on the right track and tbh was not unhappy being single, i didn't actively go out and look for a new relationship iyswim.

I think that I oversee red flags as well now, something quite innocent gives me doubts and I know I overthink everything, when I shouldn't. I see what you are saying Slightly, I do think that is the thing, we are wanting things at two completely different speeds. He has been staying with me the past week, and I don't think that I handled things too well when I can't have my breathing space and room and this is why I know for sure that living together just wont work for me right now. But Im worried its not a healing process, but rather a way of now how i am thinking, or maybe just protecting myself.

I think I am overthinking this right now in all honesty.

I just needed a space to get some stuff off my chest, can see very clearly from reading my own post that I am not as ready as I thought i was.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad “not a human cashpoint”. Lol. That’s exactly how I feel. Won’t be getting married again!