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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Financial settlement with controlling ex

16 replies

pinkkoala · 07/05/2019 23:59

I received my nisci april 2018, divorce was unreasonable behaviour, lots police involvement, threats and him then being arrested for harassment.
Now we still haven't sorted finances out, he refuses but wants me to just get absolute. I left the marital home with my dd now 14, he refused as didn't want me going either.
We both have new partners, he is engaged, i want to get clean break order asap, i paid for the divorce, i have been to a miam mediation meeting, he refused to go, saying that i couldn't make him, he can't afford to go, he wants me to take him to court and pay his fees as well. My solicitor is saying it may work in my favour as he isn't making no attempt to sort anything, and i may be able to claim my fees from him, the stress of this over last two years is now making me ill, bit of a nervous wreck, exhausted as not sleeping, i also work night shifts as a hca.
I feel like i am banging my head on a wall and can't see any end to this, i just want to be able to move on, i have a nice bit of money in the house, he is unable to buy me out as he can't get ectra on the mortage as so much debt.
What can i do, i can't afford solicitors fees all the time but i am desperate for an end to it. He is also saying that he doesn't want me to have anything as i was the one to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkkoala · 08/05/2019 20:00

OP posts:

CF43 · 09/05/2019 20:20

You need legal advice but because you left the marital home I doubt you would get more than the legal 50:50 split in the marital assets.

LemonTT · 09/05/2019 22:07

The fact you have moved out wont make any difference to the settlement that you are entitled to. The problem is that it creates a bigger imperative for you to get a settlement asap whilst he can sit tight in the marital home. Basically you may need and want things done quickly making it more likely that you will compromise.

You just need to keep pushing ahead. It may be slow but you will get there in the end. Ask your solicitor for advice on how to ensure that your ex does not squander and dispose of any savings or assets, unless they can be offset against the equity.

He has failed to do mediation and wants to go to court. Then push ahead with this and petition the court for a very big share and costs. He will have defend himself.

If you feel objective and clear headed enough then maybe diy the rest of it. Its not like he has a SHL and has behaved unreasonably. Take a turn over to Wikivorce for advice on taking this forward by yourself.

Basically the house will need to be sold if he can't show he can take on the mortgage. The court wont decide it any other way. Could you take on the mortgage?

Original poster

pinkkoala · 10/05/2019 02:27

Lemontt, are you a solicitor. I could take on the mortage with my new partner, we did consider this but i don't want to as its needs so much doing as he has let it go to rack and ruin and also holds too many bad memories for me.
I was going to ask my solicitor to claim my costs back from my ex as he has paid nothing out, he justs keeps saying about the absolute and that i am being unfair holding it back, i told him, you can have absolute when finances sorted.
What sort of questions should i be asking my solicitor, again all at my cost.

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justilou1 · 10/05/2019 02:37

Sounds like ex has massive overdraft on mortgage. Don’t take it on. Especially if the house needs work too! Clean break is better. Might even be better for you if you sign away his debts to you against the mortgage in the long run, so you don’t have that hanging over your head. (If you can get financial assistance, etc...) Let him carry financial burden of dodgy house, etc

Original poster

pinkkoala · 15/05/2019 23:52

Just an update and looking for some advice as i am so stressed.
My solicitor has said that as i am living with my new partner his financial disclosure will have to be done for my consent order and its won't go in my favour, my ex h can say that i am not entitled to even 50 50 from the joint marital home as i was the one that left, due to his behaviour, and that as i live with new partner i don't need as much equity as exh due to new partner earning well and having the money from his sale in his bank. I just feel whichever way i go i am getting a dead end, and my ex h is refusing to do anything to sort finances and is just sitting pretty and not paying out for solicitors or mediation or refuses to sort anything. My new partner though is not on my tenancy agreement although he pays half of everything.
Where do i go from here. I don't have a lot of money to fight, my ex h i think will take it to the maximum as he keeps saying give me a court date and i will be there. My new partner has said he will move out and rent somewhere until its sorted so that i don't lose a big chunk of equity, this i don't want.
That would play right into my ex h hands.
What can i do.

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PicsInRed · 17/05/2019 11:13

What does your solicitor advise?
If they think your partner and you should live separately, do that. You need money, love doesnt buy a roof, food and heating.
Be sensible about this.

Get a barrister for the hearings.

Original poster

pinkkoala · 20/05/2019 23:24

I am hopefully seeing my solicitor on 10th june, and am hoping to see what she says. Originally she said about not always 50:50 i could be entitled to more, i moved out due to his behavioir and took my dd with me, she stays with her dad one night a week, not that her dad wants her too, he has told me he would rather pay more maintenance, both me and my new partner works nights so if we are both working she stays with her dad.
While she is with him she rings me in tears saying her dad is calling her names and giving her the emotional abuse that i had fir years, by the way his new partner has no idea what he is like.
All the stress is making me ill, i am not sleeping and i just want it sorted, ex h is also saying that i can't withhold getting the absolute, i have said he can have it when financial settlement sorted.
Any ideas what i can do or what i need to be asking my solicitor, oh and one other thing, he says i have to pays all his fees as well as mine, my solicitor has said he has to pay his own.

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 21/05/2019 06:43

You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position moving out and now living with a person without sorting your past out first of all try not to go on about stress any divorce is stresssful .
I do think you need proper advice your ex can’t keep on deciding on what you need to do your legal representatives should do that .
I would not take on the house with all the debt
I would get better representation it might not be from this lawyer your with.

Original poster

pinkkoala · 21/05/2019 20:57

I had to leave the house as his behaviour was so unreasonable and abusive, lots of police involvement, and obviously i am not leaving dd there.
The reason the past is taking so long to sort is because of him, delay in signing divorce papers, him not being amicable, him refusing to attend mediation. I just want it all sorted, he has moved on and engaged talking of marriage.
I have heard from one of my friends today that he approached her at school and starting slagging me off, this is two and half years after we split, he is just a vile man and only ever does things when his new partner isn't about, after that lenght of time you would of thought he would leave me alone, he was arrested 18 months ago for harrassment, then conviently met his new lady a week after, she has no clue of his past.
Surely there must be a way to sort the financial settlement as it just carry on without a solution.

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 22/05/2019 04:29

I understand and I’m not judging.
I just see that you need a clear focus and being in another relationship ship has made your waters muddy .
Why the hell do people have to fill you in on what he does.The only way might be going to court.
Get better representation and say what you mean you want an end to it all and you want to go to court.

CJsGoldfish · 22/05/2019 05:20

I know this isn't what you're posting about but I don't understand why you are exposing your daughter to such abuse.
You've said her father doesn't really want to see her, she obviously doesn't want to be there and you KNOW what she is having directed at her yet you keep sending her. Why?

Original poster

pinkkoala · 22/05/2019 05:56

I have no choice but to send her one night a week as i work two night shifts and my new partner also works nights, i have been asking to do one night shift and then a day shift, but my employer has said no at the moment as they need to get more staff for nights, i have no family near me either. At the end of the day i have to work, i need the money and also having to work extra to pay solicitors because he won't sort it amicably.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkkoala · 22/05/2019 05:58

I didn't want to go to court, he is the one saying that he wants me to tske him to court and pay his fees, he was invited to mediation by the mediator in writing, he ignored her letter and said that he can't be made to go, he can't afford it and that he wants me to take it through the courts.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 22/05/2019 06:09

Stop rushing this, he wants the divorce to remarry so play the long game and let him take control...until he comes up with a financial agreement that will pass through court - he’ll have to wait. Give it to him to be in “control”

PicsInRed · 22/05/2019 07:44

If you file decree nisi, you have more control over the timetable to absolute. You dont want absolute until finances are settled. Dont let him have control of the timetable. File first.

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