Positive experiences of staying in same house when separated

[Annilk]

Hoping to hear from those who have chosen to stay in the same house after ending their relationship and separating as a couple.

Main reasons are so we can both continue to parent our DC with minimum disruption for them, and for financial reasons. Importantly, things are also amicable between us, and we both like the idea of being able to create a new kind of family set-up, no longer as a couple but both committed to the idea of co-parenting.

I've looked at other posts and found mostly tales of it not being a good idea ultimately, and people advising against it. Can anyone tell me that it worked for them?

I really wish you luck working through it all. Whether or not you decide to do something similar to what we are doing, it’ll get better - you’ll get through this weird stage.

The lack of narratives about genuinely amicable co-parenting as a normal, achievable thing can be a downer sometimes when we’re looking for something to give us hope. I’ve just remembered this article about Sandi Toksvig’s daughter and I’ll link it here - it’s not obviously relevant at first glance but if you go down a bit, there’s a part where she talks about how Sandi and Peta handled things after they broke up. I remember reading it and thinking it was so reassuring to hear that time in their lives described positively by one of their dc now that she’s old enough to look back: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/20/jesse-toksvig-stewart-my-two-mums-were-trailblazers

On that slightly random note, good night

Hi, If I may come in on this thread I can confirm that being in the same household with someone you don't love anymore is really difficult, hopefuly I am at the end of this road and things will get sorted now but the past year has been horrible.

You need to seperate everything as much as possible, seperate rooms, don't cook for them, don't do the washing, ironing, make the cups of tea, don't watch tv together, don't go for walks or threatres or down the pub together, do seperate things on seperate days with your children if you can, I have my son on a sunday he has him saturday morning whilst I am at work.

It is major hard but you can do it. It is the only way to stay in the same house SHORT term with you ex partner.

But we WANT to do all that stuff together. Don’t want to do separate washing and cooking and stuff. He works and I don’t so I look after the house.

So, like I said before, you aren't separated, are you, coco?

Coco legally separation means separate finances not eating or sleeping or socialising together, no joint accounts or joint bills you don't do household admin for him he doesn't fix your car (stereotypical I know ) you lead separate lives under the same roof

some divorced parents manage to do joint birthdays days out with kids so I don't think that is necessarily precluded

what you are describing @coco is just a sexless marriage as you don't even have separate bedrooms or even separate twin beds in the same room it will not count as separation for a divorce

Sorry Coco, but they do have a point I know it is hard but if you really think that you want to be seperated from someone and I think first you have to accept it and it doesn't sound like you have.

You shouldn't be doing things for him if you are splitting up and seperating, i know it is hard but if he moved out you wouldn't be doing things for him then.

Maybe sit down and have a chat with you other half, put the kids to bed and talk.

1. establish, are we official seperated or going through a bad patch.
2. what does the future hold - divorce??
3. establish seperate households where possible: stop cooking for him, stop sleeping together, stop going out together.
4. Then you have to make a plan and be firm and stick to it at all times.

It’s early days. I am just waiting to see how things play out. I always rush in and deliver ultimatums, force issues etc. I can’t ever sleep on things, let things happen organically which is why I make a mess of so much stuff in my life. I just charge in, and am trying not to do that right now.

OP I understand you doing this from a financial perspective but do not think it is in the interests of your children. It isn’t.

There is a middle ground though if you’re genuinely amicable.

My ex and I co parent really well. I love him and he loves me. We just were not compatible. He lives close. We go out for family celebration dinners together, we always come in and have coffee when picking up the children, we go to sports days together, parents evenings together, at Christmas time we took the children ice skating, theatre and grotto together and we are even having a one night holiday together as a family of 4!

However, we have our own homes, our own finances, our own social lives etc etc

It works. It really works. And has done for 3 years. However I’m acutely that there is no third party involved. But for the time being - the children are very happy and settled, as are we.

@coco123456789

You’re not separated.

You’re in a shit marriage.

And that is likely causing your children much more harm than if you were not together.

People always say that it’s so easy to not be together. But what does that look like practically? We have a lovely home, the kids aren’t used to the idea of divorce - at their school there aren’t lots of kids from blended families, it’s just not something they have been exposed to. They adore their dad and to be honest, my DS would probably rather live with him than me.

But you would still get access and you would be happier in the long run, trust me it is better to be out of a loveless marriage than stuck in it and miserable.

These days it is more common than you think just maybe not talked about at school or the school run so much. You would be surprised how many people out there from divorced or seperated families if done properly it will not cause the children harm in the long run. However staying together for the wrong reasons will.

Yes I am doing it, house is currently on the market and been together 42 years, separate bedrooms and living accommodation. It started out ok but as every day goes by it gets worse and worse, I thought it would be fine but I was wrong, he won’t move out until house is sold. My mental health is beginning to suffer, to go from loving someone with every beat of my heart to loathing them is just horrible. Trying to hold it together is so hard. Hatred just creeps in. I’m finding just him breathing is so annoying, I can’t even look at him. But, apparently it’s really common these days as both parties cannot afford a property each. So they continue to live in the same house. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Exactly the same here
32 in my son’s class. 2 divorces.

Lovely home, yes, but other then that - family life sounds utterly dismal for you, your husband and, I strongly suspect - your children

Redland12

You have my sincere respect for putting up with someone for 42 years in the first place, but I do know how you feel about the slightest thing becomes annoying very quickly.

Coco: I really want you to have a good long think about things and talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling and then decide what to do next because you only have one life and being stuck with someone for the wrong reasons is not the way to go.
If you think you can make a go of it then i suggest you both go to counselling or something to sort out your problems.

Thanks - everyone is right that I need to talk and think. I just feel I was so lucky to have him and I screwed it up. But I can’t torture myself until the kids grow up by living with someone who doesn’t love me. Got to do what is best for the kids

Curious - it sounds like it is working so well for you. I imagine it took a lot of hard work, planning and communication between you to get to that stage. Both being on the same page must be crucial - and it's a worry I have that I wouldn't have that.

Redland - I understand about hatred creeping in. I am questioning myself everyday how I cold have loved someone so much and now he clears his throat and I want to run out of the house...It is making me hate myself for feeling like that.

Coco - the other posters have given good advice and I really hope you can find a way to make things better - I don't think it's okay to accept things as they are, it doesn't sound healthy for you.

BadJanet - thanks for the link. I had searched for positive articles but hasn't found much. This one is really interesting and shows how differently things can be done. Just takes the right people to make it happen, I guess!

I have been thinking about this a lot, but I have a 1 year old, 5 year old and 7 year old. Really hard to manage on my own without help at home. And also they adore me and would hate me if he moved out. Feel totally stuck

I've actually been sketching out whether we could simply divide our home into two units, but actually we get on fine so it won't make much sense, he just wants out romantically apparently. Our kids are adults though so one less issue, but they need bedrooms all the same for at least 4 years (end of university)