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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child’a Routine with dad

23 replies

Stephejkb · 04/05/2019 18:28

Hi, I am wondering if you can all tell me the access days you have in place with your children’s fathers and also:

If it was agreed in court/mediation/ between you

How easy it was to agree it

How many children you have and age

Many many thanks xx

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 04/05/2019 18:42

Wednesday after school - 19:30
Sunday’s if he has the day off work (9- 6:30) and add is free.
Alternate birthdays and Christmas. (Xmas 12 noon Xmas eve to 12 noon Boxing Day)
Mothers/fathers day with relevant parent same with parental birthday.
We are very flexible over other days, I’m studying a course so Dd often goes to her dad if I have study days planned and he is off. If his parents are visiting or simply if he has a day off. I have a lot more time with her as I work termtime only so shifting Xmas etc isn’t a problem.

1 DD aged 10, both parents single and no other children to worry about, we live close together. Both of us attend school events, take DD to her extracurricular if during our time, he brings DD back for me to take to bday parties etc so she doesn’t miss out.
Contact was originally organised through court (Wednesday, EOW, the bdays etc listed above) but has adapted since then, we keep to the basic ethos but remain flexible due to ex’s work commitments and that DD generally doesn’t enjoy sleeping at his overnight. If he has two days off together he’ll drop her off in the evening and pick her up the next morning if she wants.

Original poster

Stephejkb · 04/05/2019 19:58

Thank you for your response:

Looking for as many responses here as possible please

OP posts:

IsItBetter · 04/05/2019 20:08

From a dad's perspective:

Went to mediation about 4 year old, mum said she would only let me see him saturday daytime and Thursdays after school so took her to court.

Was told by barrister that standard is 5 days every 14 for dads, but magistrates decided 50:50 was in best interests of child, which is what I asked for so was very pleased, and child is doing very well.

Otter71 · 04/05/2019 20:21

Or maybe non resident parent regardless... It's not always the father particularly as they get older... have two teens, girl and boy.
Boy hasn't had many civil words for me since I was told to leave by his dad. Refused to do mother's day or my birthday...
Girl supposedly 50/50 based on mediation but then often refuses to come cos I live too far from her friends. Working that out I hope...
Good luck finding a solution that works...

titchy · 04/05/2019 20:31

Looking for as many responses here as possible please

Writing an article? Check media request policy....

Original poster

Stephejkb · 04/05/2019 20:33

Thanks. Isitbetter, would you mind if I asked why the magistrates decided 50/50 was in best interest of the child? X

OP posts:

Original poster

Stephejkb · 04/05/2019 20:34

I’m not writing an article. I am going through negotiations with my ex partner and current partner and I am generally interested as to what most other people do

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 04/05/2019 20:40

My ex doesn’t see my Ds. It is not helpful in a way however it depends . Age of children, work schedules for both, how far away parents live.

titchy · 04/05/2019 20:43

So how old are the children, how far away do parents live, what are the respective work situations, are there any parenting concerns, how amicable is the separation. No one else's experience is remotely relevant if their answers to the above are different from your situation.

worriedandannoyed · 04/05/2019 20:45

Does anyone know of a mediator is helpful if the absent parent doesn't want to see their child much and doesn't want a routine in place? That's my situation, I've been in touch with a mediation company who've written to him but no reply yet. Would they encourage him to see the children more?

Greggers2017 · 04/05/2019 20:58

My ex partner has our children every weekend Friday after school until Sunday evening and half all school holidays.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 05/05/2019 00:30

My partner works a compressed week so on the days he doesn't work he is the primary carer of his children. He then does every other weekend and half the holidays if his school aged child.

A friend of mine ex has one night per week plus eow and half the holidays as he did this one day from when they were babies.

Another acquaintance has his children every weekend as his ex works on the weekends plus half holidays.

Another acquaintance of mine does 50/50 as they live close to each other and have flexible working.

Another acquaintance of mine's ex has eow and half holidays as he use to work away in the week. Until the child was a teen he had him random evenings in the week but not overnight.

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/05/2019 06:52

We started 50/50 7 years ago, then after 2.5years contact stopped. Then it went to EOW for two years. Then contact stopped again for about a year.
Now my DC is a teen they meet their dad for coffee by their own arrangement and he does some of the ferrying about when DC chooses for them too.
None of it has been easy, the NRP will not accept that their behaviour lead to the initial change from 50/50. Fortunately the teen will be 16 in around 6 months time.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 05/05/2019 07:24

Sorry my point OP is apart from the norm of every other weekend (eow) and half the school holidays for school kids aged kids 4-13 there is no norm. It is basically what you both decide around your work patterns so your child (ren) can have a good relationship with both parents.

Also most people I know didn't go to court to sort out residence. They did it informally. The ones who then went to mediation did it to more formalise their agreement and discuss other issues.

The ones who then went to court did later over residency did so because one parent wanted a change to the pattern for some random reason normally related to their own working hours. They had to go to mediation first and the party who wanted the change didn't co-operate. The parent who wanted the change was not awarded this as it wasn't in the best interests of the child.

So if one of you years later changes jobs so you can spend more time in the week with the child but one of the children is over 11 and that child doesn't want the change then it is very unlikely to happen.

IsItBetter · 05/05/2019 08:32

In my case where 50:50 was decided:

The mother is a stay at home mum.
I have a full time job, but which has full flexibility to look after child.
Both parties said the child enjoys time in the other's company and that they are good parents.
No logical reason was proved by the mother as to why access was being limited.
prior to moving out of the marital home I looked after on an equal basis (school drop off/pick ups, meals etc)

I was told magistrates generally like one parent to be the "primary caregiver" and have majority residence, but in this case they sided entirely with me, which I think was down to our respective witness statements - I had shown the mother was continually making unilateral decisions in the best interest of herself and not the child.

Thisismyusernamefornow · 05/05/2019 08:34

50/50

every Monday Tuesday with mum.

Every weds Thursday with dad.

Every other weekend with mum/dad.

So they get 5 days in one home then 2. And repeat.

Works well. Everyone very settled now.

Decided between us.

IsItBetter · 05/05/2019 08:35

I was also going to say there are no hard and fast rules on child arrangements, so a lot of it is luck on which magistrates appear on the day, and their own personal preferences.

IsItBetter · 05/05/2019 08:36

@thisismyusername that is precisely our arrangement decided by the court, and it is working very well.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 05/05/2019 14:26

We're 50/50. Mondays and Tuesdays with me. Wednesdays and Thursdays with their Mum. And every other weekend (Friday to Sunday).

But, as others have said, it really doesn't matter what other people do. The important question is what is right for your children, given the unique circumstances of your family.

pikapikachu · 05/05/2019 17:57

My children are secondary school age and see their dad every other weekend. (Saturday lunch-Sunday lunch) They have a 2 week summer holiday and a couple of extra days at Xmas. This was decoded between us. I'd prefer it is was more but he lives 45 minutes away and the kids don't get along with his partner so there's limited opportunity

ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:34

Kids 8,6&2, arrangement between us
Monday 5-7.30
Wed 6 -8 thurs morning
Alternate weekend nights 5pm-5pm.
So he has them two nights. However it's down to me to do all the school runs and pay nursery and after school club fees so financially it isn't fair at all. Hopefully that will get changed as part of settlement.

SkinnyPete · 07/05/2019 23:54

Dad here. I have 8 nights out 14, so approx 60/40 with me as RP. XW was SAHM but had poor MH. My work are flexible and supportive, meaning I could transition to support my DD7.

Napssavelives · 09/05/2019 06:41

My kids are 4 and 6. Recently separated. I was sahm for 6 years ex worked long hours and was out of the house 730-7 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and away Thursday morning until late Friday night. Never did school runs, rarely home for bedtime so I felt 50:50 split wasn’t even an option. My kids are used to been with me most of the time. Our current set up in afterschool on a Thursday then he picks them up on around 5pm on a Saturday and returns them 7pm Sunday evening. Eow would give us more freedom but the separation is still new, kids are young and it’s a long time for them to go without seeing their dad.

I’m due baby#3 in a few weeks (he is that much of a arsehole walking out when I was pregnant) and I have no idea how contact will work. I’ve flat out refused overnight contact with the baby and said all visits will be short and supervised as I won’t be separated from my newborn.

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