Signing house over to me

[topoftheworld1]

Hi,

My husband announced he is leaving just over a year ago. We have 2 DC, they are 4 and 7. He has recently bought a flat nearby, has taken him this long to get a second mortgage.

He co-owns a business. I have never mentioned anything about his business as I had no intention of going after any of it. I'm not sure if he is banking on that as he has never mentioned it either, or he's just not taking any chances.

He's basically now asking for the kids more than we had previously agreed (only verbally). Which I really don't want to agree to if I can help it. He's said if I don't agree he will fight it & I'm worried he may get even more.

Then he says he will sign house over to me and give all equity as long as I agree to everything in his email he has sent me.

I'm currently a student. I have one yr left of my course. He wants me to agree to taking over the mortgage when I finish. Around 150k equity. House worth somewhere around 325k I'd imagine. I'd need to find about £1500 per month to cover mortgage & bills.

I'm basically torn. One half of me feels annoyed that he has changed our verbal agreement which has been in place for about a year, just before he moves out. Then if he's willing to fight for more maybe I should too. The other part of me knows him so well and I know he'd try & get me where it hurts ie going after 50/50 with the kids.

I'm having visions of having no money because of having to pay mortgage & bills etc by myself, while he plays Disney dad cos he's now got bucket loads of money.

My dad is telling me that the business will potentially be worth more than the house so he isn't doing it to be kind. But as I said, I don't want to lose anymore time with the kids. I've done everything for them since the day they were born & my youngest has barely been away from me so she would struggle.

He keeps telling me how he wants to keep things amicable. But I know him well enough to know that this translates as 'do everything I say and it will be fine' - the second he isn't getting his way about something he gets nasty. This has pretty much been his way for most of our marriage.

Not sure if any of this makes sense but my stress levels are at their absolute max so don't think I'm really thinking straight.

Thanks so much in advance

This sounds similar, my bills come to over £1750, more than my earnings but I want to get the house and significant equity so I'm trying to work out how I can pay (I only have 8 years left).

I think the reality is that you need to look at child contact arrangements and finances separately, focusing on what is best for the kids. As much as I hate not seeing my kids for 3 days per week, I know it's in their interests to have a good relationship with their dad. That's not to say that my ex didn't want that set up so he could give me less maintenance, but whatever his motives, it is best for them.
Your ex trying to hide assets is a separate matter that you should pursue if you have real concerns and your solicitor can help with this; sadly it is extremely common in my experience.

topoftheworld. First of all, sorry you're going through this.
You need to get professional advice re divorce settlement, do not try to sort this out between yourselves.
You might be entitled to far more than your h is offering.
You say not interested in his co owned business. Erm, why not? All assets should be considered, including this business and pensions etc.
Do you think your h is trying to use contact with the children as a bargaining chip?

I agree you need to look at children and finances separately. The children have a right to a good relationship with their dad regardless of how hard that is for you

The house is unlikely to be signed to you if you are not able to get a mortgage to pay for it.

You should seek legal advise so they can assess all the assets in the pot and advise on a position based on length of marriage, assets, needs etc

Thanks everyone for your input. I don't really feel like I have anyone in real life to talk to about all this so it helps. Husband away this weekend so at least I have some breathing space. Me and the 2 kids were supposed to sleeping at my parents house so I could talk things through with them once kids were asleep but my little girl wouldn't sleep there in the end and we had to drive home in our PJ's. This is a house that she spends loads of time in & I was going to be there right next to her! So stuff like this reinforces why I don't want ex to ask for even more nights, I honestly think she would be distressed by it at the moment.

I would never stop contact, that's not what I'm saying. I just don't want him to have more than we had originally agreed. Not yet anyway.

And yes toldmywrap he definitely uses the kids as a bargaining chip. I feel like he's saying take what I'm offering & don't kick up a fuss otherwise I'll get you where it hurts (ie go after the kids) because he knows that's what I'm anxious about. Money is what would get to him so I think if I went after anything from his business it would seriously piss him off and he would do all he could to hurt me. He is mostly ok-ish when I do as he says & he's getting his own way.

Your father is a very wise man.
...you should have stayed and not driven back .
Your in charge not the children.

The trouble is if you agree to this, there's absolutely nothing to stop him waiting till the divorce has finalised and then going for more time with kids anyway. Or using it as a threat any time he wants his own way.

My sympathies are with you OP. Your children are still very young which means he's going to be in your life for many more years yet.
This is where this ridiculous 50/50 parenting rule really shows how unfair and wrong it can be for so many woman.
It isn't always what is best for the children at all. It's what is best for his pocket.
OP he is a bully. He was before so why is he going to magically change now.
You need to be prepared to take him in and fight for what is rightfully yours or you let him call the shots all the way through this.
He has decided to leave his family and home. He has shown what a cold hearted person he is. I can guarantee he knows exactly what you are entitled to regarding the business. Are you planning to file for divorce? You need a consultation at least.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know your first thought is for your children and not money. His first thought is money, not his children.

Someone gave me a great piece of advise when I started this process as very much like you I wanted out and was looking for the quickest easiest option so I could concentrate on my children, she said “Divorce is a business transaction” so every time you go to make a decision think about what is best for the business - YOU XX

Treat them separately for sure, finances and kids, but you have to include his business, pension, the whole lot, why would you not? When it comes to the letter of the law and money, its not a moral issue, its facts.
When it comes to the kids that is complicated and you'd have to do whats right for them, both of you. You're a long way off of any agreement and the youngest may be fine when it comes down it coz she'll be older.
This is your ooooonly time to fight, so get the best deal you can, if only for ur children, but remember it was you looking after the kids and building his family so he could work hard, you've put in your share and are entitled to more!!!
Good luck! X

The pps are right that you need to separate access and money. Of course you are right to be suspicious of his motives but these aren’t arguments you can level at him, he will deny it and if you go to mediation or court it will make your own motives look suspect too.
Start to think about this in the way the mediators or courts would. There you will find the right arguments to support what is right for your children. Because that is point here, it’s about their rights and needs not what you or he want or need and not money.

The reality is that if he runs his own business and is self employed he has other ways to manipulate the financial settlement and had a year to to it in.

If he is being manipulative, then he is relying on your emotional response. Don’t give it. Be calm and reasonable and respond by offering mediation to work out what is best for the children. Don’t say no, don’t reply immediately, offer a solution. You can do mediation separately without meeting.

Then get to a solicitor and find out how to get a good financial deal. Letting that drift is not good if he is self employed. His accountants will be hard at work making him look like a pauper. All the whilst you are distracted over the access.

I urge you to take professional legal advice. It would be unwise to guess what he's got or coming to an ad hoc arrangement.

Go through the legal channels to protect your family's futures. Do this with the kids too before he makes other 'off the record' arrangements. This method cannot be trusted.

You need to complete form e's and a consent order. He will have to disclose all finances and the judge will decide if the financial split is fair.

You will not be able to take him off the mortgage while you are a student. Mortgage lenders won't agree to this because you have no work income. Too high a risk. I was in a mature student when ex left. My mortgage lender was sympathetic with my situation but said I needed to be in a permanent job for 6 months before I could remortgage.

On the access front a lot of exs who leave initially ask for more contact time because they realise that they can reduce maintenance payments if they have overnight stays a certain number of times a year. Bear that in mind.

You really do need to see a solicitor. Divorce is very rarely amicable. At this stage he's being amicable so he can get a split in his favour. You need sound legal advice.

To give you an idea. In the 'amicable' stage my let's-do-this-nice-without-paying-for-solicitors H offered to split the house with me giving me very slightly more money. Conveniently forgetting all his assets and massive pension. Had I taken that amicable split it would have been 36/64 in his favour. Instead my solicitor got me 60/40 in my favour. He was worth every penny - and he allowed me time to pay his bill.

Yes very risky to agree to anything at this stage and how do you know you will be able to afford the mortgage when you do not have a job at the moment? It’s not necessarily as easy as it sounds.

You need legal advice before proceeeding. His threat re the children might come up in there future through another scenario eg if you meet someone else or want to move away or whatever. You can’t see into the future.

I think as a student you are in a precarious position so be careful.

Oh I had to take him to court to sort finances in the end.

The judge agreed that ex should stay on the mortgage of the property (I was awarded 100% of house) for a number of years because I was a student. Enough time for me to finish my course, get a job for a while and either remortgage or sell.

I know that without my solicitor I would not have got the deal I did.

So do not go for the amicable way, get yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer who acts in your favour. Best of luck