Right to be consulted over schools, medical decisions, etc

[unclemontyscrumpets]

Hello all.

I'm after some general advice on behalf of my DH, please. His ex has a long history of not involving him in decisions about their children-where they first moved away to after the split, nursery & school applications, whether or not to have flu jabs, GP registrations, etc etc.

She has made mostly uncontroversial decisions so far (though the initial move to the middle of nowhere wasn't ideal!), but he is concerned that if something more serious came up, she would continue in this vein of unilateral decision making. When he eventually finds out that these decisions have been made (usually from the children), he always follows up with the relevant authority to ensure he has all the information, but of course by then whatever decision it is has already been made. In particular, he is concerned that she will go ahead and decide on a high school without telling him.

Sooo long story short, does anyone have any knowledge about or experience in protecting his right to be consulted? He knows he can go for court orders on specific matters, but he would rather get ahead of these things if he can. Can anyone recommend something that might help him generally, to force encourage her to consult him? Thanks.

I am curious though- do you guys really think that a RP should be allowed to choose which schools a child goes to, without involving or even informing the NRP? Even in the case where the NRP sees them 2 nights a week and EOW, always pays maintenance, etc? Really?

Yes, fucking really.

Walk a mile in the RP's shoes.

NRP should not be allowed to decide schools, GP, vaccinations etc. Why? Because although many NRPs are great and do stay as involved as they can, a truly disturbing number of them operate an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude to their kids. Many of them couldn't tell you their kids' shoe size. Why should they make decisions like school choices when they aren't the ones doing the school run or obtaining the uniform, helping with homework or funding the trips?

Nobody's triggered. You are ignorant about what it's like to deal with the NRP who thinks they know better when they in fact know nothing.

Hi @unclemontyscrumpets. It seems you've run into the crowd who believe that fathers are second class citizens. I'm afraid that you'll find a lot of them on here. However, they are wrong - both ethically, and in law.

I totally get where your husband is coming from - there are plenty of mothers who make a point of trying to exclude fathers from major decisions about the child(ren). It's just a form of controlling behaviour.

The legal position is that, as your husband has PR, he is an equal parent and should be involved in major decisions about his child. Not the day to day stuff - when the kids are with him, he gets to make those calls; and when they're with their Mum, she gets to. But the big stuff - major medical decisions, school choices, and other important matters absolutely should be discussed between the child and both parents. That shouldn't be about either parent trying to impose their view on the other - it should be about constructive co-parenting, in the best interests of the child. It sounds as though that's what your husband is after, and that's both reasonable, and the sign of a responsible, involved parent.

Given that his ex is actively obstructing a constructive co-parenting relationship, he may wish to consider mediation on that specific subject, to see if they can agree some ways of working together, that they can both commit to. Of course, she may not agree to that - again, it might just be about power for her.

If that's the case, his best mechanism for involvement actually comes through his relationship with his kids. He sees them for at least a couple of days a week, so it's important that he maintains a close relationship with them and stays sighted on what's happening in their lives. That gives him the best chance of being aware of things that are coming up, where he may wish to guide the child, or become more actively involved in major decisions.

He should also familiarise himself with timelines for things like school applications, so that he can proactively engage with the child and his ex to discuss those issues in good time.

Finally, he should stay in contact with schools etc, and ensure they know the child's circumstances. Schools have a legal obligation to share information with all parents of a child. And he should ensure he attends parents evenings etc - it should be second nature for him to be involved with his child's life. It may not stop his ex being obstructive - my ex and I have 50/50 with our daughters, so there is no RP or NRP. But that doesn't stop her actively telling schools etc that they should be talking to her and not me (despite her often not bothering to attend parents evenings etc). Again, control. But a constructive relationship with schools and others can usually overcome those issues - they usually see pretty quickly when one parent is trying to be controlling.

A father who is completely absent from his child’s life then suddenly reappears and demands a say on schooling is pretty controlling. This might not be the case with the OP’s husband but it’s happened to a few of us here.

An involved nrp may be involved in decision making but the person who has to implement the decision needs to have the final say eg which gp, nursery or school as they are the ones doing the ferrying about. My neighbours ex tried to take her to court to insist the kids went to a fancy school 3/4 hour away with no buses with no regard for the fact he wouldn't be driving them daily, it was thrown out before court.

The OP never came back to answer my question so it looks like those stating it is about control are right.

OP if you can be bothered answer my question and I will give you more detailed information.

Thank you @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad, your post was very useful and I appreciate you taking the time.

And thanks @ScreamScreamIceCream - despite the hostility of your post above! I think a parenting plan (he does not currently have one) coupled with an attempt at mediation is the way to go. It should be quite straightforward to write, and hopefully if she agrees to information sharing up front it will be harder for her to go against it in future.

I know I'm fighting a losing battle here, but he's really not trying to 'control' anything. I don't think it's unreasonable that she tells him if she decides not to vaccinate them, to take them out of the country or enrol them in a school!