Has anyone been in my boat and got through it???

[helloyou22]

Hi

I'm really hoping there is someone reading this who has been through the same situation as me and got through it. I'm feeling very low after yet another argument today and I just would love to hear from someone to give me hope.

I've gone through years of a verbally abusive relationship. My husband is a bully and his newest campaign is to tell me I have mental health issues - he is trying to break me down because I have asked for a divorce. He has infact labelled me with a condition that he now says is the reason for my 'emotional' behaviour - before this point he used to tell me I had hormonal problems. I dont want it to sound like Im always emotional because I am not! :)

Anyway - I cannot take the daily stress anymore. He is saying we will sell the house and split it but we have virtually zero equity and I am scared at what will happen as I am not working as I have a 1 year old and I have no savings. I have asked him very reasonably to move out to his parents annexe literally down the road (which is a cost free option for him) but he is refusing. This would just alleviate the current stress levels and negative effects the arguing is having on my other children and give me time to start to try and get back to work.

I'm feeling very trapped. I know I need to see a solicitor - I did see one several years back.... But what I would love is to hear from anyone who was in a similar situation with no income/savings but stuck in an abusive relationship - is there a way out?

Thanks for any advice

That’s horrible behavior from him. It is really hard if you don’t have somewhere to go to get away.
Don’t let him convince you about your mental health, whenever he says something like that, ask him if he has heard about “projection” if he is such a psychological expert, and maybe he should get counseling? Then just repeat “projection” very gently and benignly if he brings it up more.
Keep records of every incident and definitely keep emails and messages. Emotional abuse and control are acknowledged these days and you may wish to report at some point.
Maybe try the “grey rock” technique.
Good luck, but I think you may wish to just leave the house with your child and get clean away if at all possible.
Maybe you can try citizens advice if you don’t think you can afford a lawyer. Never take his word about anything, especially when it comes to your rights, or financial matters. You may be entitled to a lot more than you think.

Hello lovely :-)

I did escape 5.5 years ago. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and you still can't escape completely when they're the father of your children.

But I have my own front door, children growing up in a loving house and have regained my sense of self.

As snowqu33n says it is projection. I'm not sure I even realised how emotionally abused I had been for a while after I left. His behaviour was the norm for me and I had come to accept what he told me I was.

I escaped to a friends with the children while the mediation process was underway and then a few months later moved in with another friend and stayed on her floor for a while.

Keep records, as Snowqu33n says, I even took handscrawled abusive notes that he had written. As much as he was controlling and EA in the house, he could be charming to the outside world.

You will be entitled financially, but getting back to work, even in a part-time capacity, helps with regaining control of your life. Do see a solicitor for an initial consultation (which is free). It's likely he would be ordered to pay your legal costs.

I think my strength to leave came from one day thinking would I want to be there in 5 or 10 years time. That and the thought of my children growing up in a house believing the behaviour was the norm.

Whatever you find as your strength, find it and hold onto that thought to get you through. xx

Look at Time4Me's thread in relationships

I've copied the post below, but it's still very active and wonderfully positive:

TimeForMe Fri 26-Mar-10 19:33:00
After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! grin The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see smile

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

Thank you for this. Is it legal to leave the house with your children? He's suggested that there is no way I can leave with the children....

Thank you to everyone who replied :)