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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Finding it hard - but it's the right thing to do.

21 replies

Pardalis · 21/04/2019 01:51

I have told my long term partner that I don't want to be with him anymore. He's not taken it well. It's been death by a thousand cuts. I emotionally detached from the relationship a long time ago but never said anything because I'm an eternal optimist and thought things would get better/I would just accept our relationship and life being as it is.
We have one son together. I am fortunate in that I can afford to support us. My work hours will mean I have to get an au pair but I have the space.
Circumstances at the time when our son was born (a story of its own), I went back to work and my OH became a SAHD. This was supposed to last 9-12 months at most. 7.5 years on nothing has changed.
I am out the house 12 hours a day. Our child is at school. My OH has an easy life. I come home and do the entertaining and bed time and then a bunch of housework.
I'm through with this. I also pay his ex maintenance.
I have got resentful. I would rather be by myself. Don't even want child maintenance. I just want my OH to make something of himself. All the time I'm propping him up he's wasting his life.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
He's not taken it well. I'm finding the pleading hard

OP posts:

Itsallchange · 21/04/2019 07:23

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 I personally think the resentment that builds is the biggest relationship killer and it’s very hard to come back from that. I hope you get the resolve you need to move forward to be happy in life

drimoleague1 · 21/04/2019 18:29

Well I had a similiar situation. My husband too was a SADH and just got used to the eady life for too long. I have 2 kids 18 and 13 and when my daughter wentv to school full time he promised he would go and get a full time job. It never happened and resentment has built up. We have lost a lot of money in him not working and actuslly raked up Credit Card debts of 30k. We sold our house in London and moved to Irelanf. Thankfully we bought small investment house in Stanstad Mountfitchett which we still have. He is now wanting to sell it to start up a business so I can see that money going too so I have had enough and have asked for separation. He is furious. I feel very bitter that he has taken advantage of me being happy for him to be SAHD but when time to go and get a decent full time job he failed to do so. I agree with the remark about resentment... that is probably what has killed it for me too. Paraldis... I think your H has taken total advantage of tou for far too long. You are self sufficient and very lucky to be in that position. Time for a reality check.... let him get a job.

SnapesGreasyHair · 21/04/2019 18:35

Very best of luck to you both. My XH actually left me for OW but l was SO thankful as l had detached years ago thanks to the "thousand cuts" scenario. I still held on to the belief that we would sort it out but l knew really it was over long ago. I just didn't have your strength.

I really admire you both for doing it. Wish l had many years ago.

Original poster

Pardalis · 21/04/2019 23:20

Gosh - I would love for there to be another woman. How sad is that?

Thanks for your comments. Helps with the resolve. Today has been all about snide comments. Funny thing is that it's going to make him. He's clever and smart. I've just been propping him up. He's going to be so much better without me but just can't see it yet

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 22/04/2019 07:40

I have never thought it was a good idea for a man to do this role for a long period of time.
The only friend I knew who had this arrangement ended in a near disaster.The husband begun to hate staying at home but in this case he found a night job within the nhs.This helped he is hard working though.

W0rriedMum · 22/04/2019 10:21

Is it likely he will get custody of your son if he's the primary caregiver? Then you'd need to pay maintenance to him, not the other way around. At the very least, he's going to get 50/50 if he wants it, which I imagine he will.

miracleon13th · 22/04/2019 12:54

I agree with previous poster - please be aware he is very much likely to be favoured in a custody battle for your son as he has been his primary care giver for so long especially as you have said you would need to use au pairs and are away from home 12 hours a day

You are also likely to have to pay him maintenance as he gave up his career to be a SAHD so you may actually find that he still has no financial incentive to go and do anything with his life as you will still be funding it but from afar

Obviously it is not a reason to stay with someone but please go into this with your eyes open x

Original poster

Pardalis · 22/04/2019 22:14

We aren't married so no financial ties. I have accepted that 50/50 may be an option.
He never gave up his career. The SAHD situation was not supposed to be long term. He just never made any effort to go back to work.
Tonight he's been awful. Drunk. Called me a crap mother. Threatened the custody situation. Got right up in my face in front of our son - who was upset as a result and told him to leave me alone.
We've been sleeping separately but he's now gone and got into my bed.
In the morning he'll be sober and fine but I've spent too long modifying my behaviour to avoid these situations.

OP posts:

Itsallchange · 22/04/2019 22:19

@pardalis sounds like an awful situation to be in so sending you and your ds lots of love. It’s amazing how much we can modify our behaviour to avoid them being a dick! I hope you get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow. My H has done something similar tonight although I sleep with our dd so not got to think about where to go to bed!

notapizzaeater · 22/04/2019 23:29

Do you own the house together ? Why are you paying his maintenance?

Original poster

Pardalis · 23/04/2019 00:53

We rent.
I pay the maintenance because he cannot. It was supposed to be short term. It wasn't fair on his previous children to miss out just because we had a child. I was happy to do that originally. Just didn't expect it to be for more than a year

OP posts:

BringMeAGinandTonic · 23/04/2019 07:29

Does the ex partner know the maintenance comes from you? What does she say, if so?

Hugs to you. This sounds difficult. He clearly needs to get his shit together. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Pardalis · 23/04/2019 11:16

Yes she knows. No she doesn't say anything.

Yes, he does need to get his shit together. He doesn't remember what happened last night and has apologised.
This will be the making of him - hope he sees it soon

OP posts:

SnapesGreasyHair · 23/04/2019 22:31

@Pardalis So what is your plan of action?

SnapesGreasyHair · 23/04/2019 22:34

Awful as it is, if you are going to split then consider stopping the maintenance payments. They are not your responsibility and that extra income will be vital to you to save for the next chapter. You need to put you and your DS first, before his other child.

PalomaFuerte · 23/04/2019 23:20

Well done, Pardalis on making this tough decision.
Suffice to say of course he won't like it, the gig is up.
Wishing you luck and happiness without him - you won't know yourself. The resentment is a killer.
My situation has some similarities and I think if not now, when?

Original poster

Pardalis · 23/04/2019 23:37

@SnapesGreasyHair - good question. I know what I need to do for me and the day to day. However I don't know what he is going to do. I'm not going to make him homeless. After last night he's being super nice. And looking sad.
I have read the articles on the leaver and the left and realised why I'm so resolute and detached v his shock and sadness.
I'm worried that he won't make an effort towards independence. He's told me that I shouldn't be scared of him. But I am. I'm too scared to stop the maintenance at the moment. And I realise I might impact another family. However I know for sure that I won't be impacting them on an essentials basis. His ex has a far higher standard of living than we do.
I feel that at the moment, all I can do is stand resolute with my decision to get him to make some of his own

OP posts:

Original poster

Pardalis · 23/04/2019 23:40

In the meantime I'm making changes for me. I've started running. Doing c25k. It's 30 mins of a positive change. And I'm really enjoying it

OP posts:

Itsallchange · 24/04/2019 07:14

I’m about 9 weeks down the line and be careful because they do switch between moods and it can lull you into a false sense of security, I have days where I think he’s agreeing what I say and then the next day he’s abusing me again. I’ve also started the C25k it’s a fantastic focus and because an emotional eater I’ve put weight on throughout so want to focus on me. A friend shared something that she was once told, “Living well is the best revenge” xx

stucknoue · 24/04/2019 07:40

I've been running since last September, it's quite good therapy. Try parkrun, good way to meet new people too

Dropthedeaddonkey · 24/04/2019 15:00

I had a similar situation with a self (very under) employed STBXH. Even though he withdrew from the relationship and we almost split many times he didn’t do anything practical about his financial or work situation until I finally ended it. Even though he could see it coming a mile off. He had to move in with his parents and spent 6 months on benefits before he found work. I’m sure there was underlying depression. It has worked out he has a new career where he is starting at the bottom on low pay but is happy to live a simple life just funding himself to do something he enjoys. I pay for the kids and house but that’s nothing new and at least know how much money is coming in and have control over my own life and finances which are significantly better without a manchild’s hobbies to fund. We get on fairly well now. We just have different approaches to responsibility. It’s more like having an extra child who has flown the nest than an ex partner. I wouldn’t count on him wanting the children a lot - not during workdays anyway. He’s unlikely to stop putting himself first and if he needs to work to pay rent he will prioritise that. People can become very deskilled and lacking in confidence when they leave the workplace I have a female friend whose husband is very resentful she has never gone back to work in 18 years but even though she knows it’s destroying her marriage and she feels guilty she seems unable to do anything about it. I think you need to separate your finances and put a time frame on it because I doubt he will just suddenly sort himself out but just wallow in denial.

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