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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Can't agree financial settlement

22 replies

Loralie75 · 19/04/2019 17:37

I have been seperated from my husband of 20 years for 18 months as he was extremely controlling. I have applied for divorce and after mediation and alot of fighting he eventually agreed to a settlement. However, he has decided (since finding out I'm with someone new now) that he won't agree to a financial order on the basis of our agreement, unless I give an undertaking that i will not blogg about the control and abuse my kids and I suffered from while we still lived with him.

When we split, I left the house and he changed the locks and I've not had access since. My name is on the mortgage and deeds.

My question is: If I go ahead and apply for the Decree Absolute without a financial agreement, (because I can't afford to go to Court to get them to decide) will he be able to sell the house if I refuse to sign off on a sale? Will he be able to remortgage or rent the house out without my signature and will he be able to make changes to the property?
I want to know as I believe that if he's going to play hardball by refusing to pay me out for my half of the house, then I'll just refuse to sell it when he decides he doesn't want it anymore.
Also, I've asked him if we can sever our joint tenancy, so I can leave my half of the house to my kids in my Will, but he's refusing to do that too, can I do this without his permission?
Thanks

OP posts:

englishdictionary · 19/04/2019 17:49

Why would you choose to blog about him over a financial settlement?

Original poster

Loralie75 · 19/04/2019 18:23

I'm not sure I understand your question? I'm not choosing to blog about him over a financial settlement.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2019 18:29

I would agree to his request not to blog about him and accept the financial settlement you both originally agreed. Surely that's the logical and easiest solution?

What was your earlier agreement?

Chasingsquirrels · 19/04/2019 18:34

To answer your last question you can definately sever the joint tenancy unilaterally.
www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership/change-from-joint-tenants-to-tenants-in-common

englishdictionary · 19/04/2019 18:37

I'm not sure I understand your question? I'm not choosing to blog about him over a financial settlement.

You said he would not agree to a financial settlement unless you agree not to blog about him? What's difficult to understand? It was your own post.

Ginger1982 · 19/04/2019 18:44

Do you intend blogging about it?

lljkk · 19/04/2019 19:02

I understood OP to say she wants to blog about abuse, not about money.
I don't think I'd want to blog about a miserable experience, but to each their own.
Is your soon 2 b ExH someone famous, OP?

englishdictionary · 19/04/2019 19:22

I understood OP to say she wants to blog about abuse, not about money.

Me too. But the ex said he wasn't making a settlement if she blogged. My observation was that the financial settlement should take priority over a blog.

Original poster

Loralie75 · 19/04/2019 20:00

I have agreed not to blog about the abuse, however, he wants me to sign an undertaking not to blog, post, talk about Domestic Violence. After coming out of a very controlling relationship, writing about my experiences was cathartic. I wrote in the 3rd person, changed my name and any details that related to him, however, he found out about it and recognised the details in the blog as things he'd done to myself and my kids.
So, signing an undertaking means that if he recognised anything I ever write to be something related to him, I could go to jail. This would curtail my ability to write seen as most of my work (as with any writer) draws from experience.
That said, I would have to sign off my rights to write and earn money from my writing, just so I can get my fair share of a house I paid for for almost 15 years, of which he only worked 6 years of. And no, he did not help with the kids during that time, he was not a stay at home Dad

OP posts:

Original poster

Loralie75 · 19/04/2019 20:06

OP posts:

Original poster

Loralie75 · 19/04/2019 20:06

Thank you, that's really helpful.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2019 20:09

If you're going to continue to blog about him which means he won't agree to the financial settlement then your only other option is to let the court decide the financial settlement. There isn't any magic way - either the couple agree between them or the courts decide.

pointythings · 19/04/2019 20:17

I'd say let the courts decide - especially because his efforts to silence you are yet another way for him to control you.

The court won't look kindly on him being obstructive, especially if you make sure to be open and honest.

Yellowshirt · 19/04/2019 23:32

Loralie 75 is your husband like my wife in that they don't want you to use social media because they don't want the truth to come out about them? I put a photograph of me with a black eye on social media and my wife got extremely angry because she basically wants to hide the abuse I suffered and claim she is a victim.

GreenTulips · 19/04/2019 23:36

You can get a notice out in the deeds so say you must be informed of any sale or changes

You can also force the sale if you wanted to

LemonTT · 20/04/2019 00:12

One way or another you will end up in court, either to decide the settlement or to force a sale / object to a sale or equivalent. The later option stills leaves finances unresolved so there is always the possibility of more court. Just carry on with the divorce and get a settlement.

Personally I don’t think you should blog about your children, even disguised it was outting. And it is not the writing he is concerned about it is the publishing. So you can still write.

I doubt he will bother to get a NDA written up, he will just ask for an undertaking. I would ask for an undertaking that an ex didn’t blog about my children not matter the circumstances. I have put thought into the last bit as well. The children come first and that includes their privacy.

NotBeingRobbed · 20/04/2019 00:21

@LemonTT what about the right to free speech? The OP has suffered domestic violence and I expect rightly wishes to reveal the truth about her ordeal. Her posts have concealed the identity of herself and her kids - her ex is simply trying to stifle her freedom of expression. It is exerting his control even after the end of the marriage. I’d say go on fighting for your right to express yourself!!

LemonTT · 20/04/2019 09:05

This is not about freedom of speech. It is about parental responsibilities and you shouldn’t be publishing identifying information about your children for all and sundry to read. They have no choice in that and the resulting impact it will have on their lives. If the OP wants to expose herself she can. But she doesn’t have a right to intrude on other people’s privacy and that includes her children.

It is just so wrong to use or expose your children in this way. As a parent I would take action to safeguard my children and that if that means having to tell the other parent to stop writing about them in public then I would.

And for what it is worth freedom of speech is curtailed in relation to children in many many ways. You cannot publish identifying material about them, that’s why they are not named and their identities are protected all the bloody time. Even when they are the victims. Only an idiot wouldn’t realise that.

Original poster

Loralie75 · 20/04/2019 10:02

Can I just clarify that when I say "kids" I mean they were kids when the abuse happened, but are all adults and gave me permission to write about the effects the abuse has had on us, but again, my stories were written in 3rd person with no names, etc.
The stories are semi-autobiographical, and were even co-written with my eldest and other victims of abuse.
I haven't given these details in my original post because I was actually asking for advice and didn't realise people were actually going to start getting bogged down in judgement and opinion.
That said, thank you all for your advice, apologies for upsetting some of you.
I will certainly try some of the great advice that has been suggested, thank you so much.

OP posts:

sar302 · 20/04/2019 10:10

He is attempting to use the financial settlement to continue to exert his control over you. Take it to the courts and let it be decided by a neutral party, who is at no risk of being intimidated by him.

NotBeingRobbed · 20/04/2019 10:48

Yes, identities were concealed. You can write about abuse if you don’t reveal identities. For example, rape cases are reported but the victim is not identified. This is a very controlling man. Only an idiot couldn’t see that.

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 11:37

This is a very controlling man. Only an idiot couldn’t see that.

Oh I'm no idiot (thanks though) I can clearly see this is another way to control the OP. I also see that they are divorcing so she will be free of him (physically, because mentally it won't ever go) so agreeing not to blog in order to get free quick and easy with a settlement isn't a bad idea, so long as it's on OP's terms.

Actually I may be an idiot in that I don't understand the importance of a blog. I get the writing is helpful part, I just don't know that putting it online is important. But I freely admit that I have no idea why.

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