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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

To those who get maintenance from their ex DHs

20 replies

Frazzlerock · 18/04/2019 16:27

Do you have to remind them every single month?

I'm so so tired of it. It's been around 8 years now and we are both settled in other relationships now (I'm getting married next year), and I'm still having to send a text on payment day (today in fact), and usually a follow up one later on in the day.

He refuses to create a direct debit, His excuse? He's a contractor so isn't always in work Confused.

Should I count myself lucky I get anything? I know many of you don't get a penny.
The first few years he missed lots of payments and I let them slide (because I am a mug), but the past 3-4 years he has paid but only when I ask on the day and, like I say, it usually takes two texts before he transfers his money over.

Is there anything I can do other than send him texts asking where the money is?
I actually had a joke with DP last night. My right hand was itching so I said "ooh, that means money! Maybe exdh will pay tomorrow without being reminded!"
Sigh...

He's completely ignored my texts today. Both very polite.
Maybe I need to be more forceful? Hmm

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/04/2019 17:48

Should I count myself lucky I get anything?

Yes.

I'm so so tired of it.

Understandable. He sounds like a passive aggressive twat, using maintenance to keep you talking to him. What a loser he is.

So, count yourself lucky, but also give yourself permission to feel angry at him and judge him harshly. Don't forget to privately laugh at him for being such an abject twat, and count your blessings that the extent of your dealings with him is two monthly texts. Imagine if his feet were still under your table. Shudder.

nutsfornutella · 18/04/2019 17:54

Should I count myself lucky I get anything?No. he's a dick

My ex is a contractor and has a Standing Order. He's had to change the day a few times but apart from the first 6 months, it's been fine.

blackcat86 · 18/04/2019 18:03

DH pays maintenance for DSS on payday each month. He just transfers it when he wakes up. You shouldn't need to be sending reminders. Have you considered CMS?

WhatWouldDavinaDo · 18/04/2019 18:36

You shouldn’t “count yourself lucky”, it’s his obligation & responsibility!

I’m yet to receive my first maintenance payment (long story) but I’ve gone through the CMS to calculate so if he’s 5 days late, they chase him.

I won’t be chasing / reminding him - those days are gone!

Goldilocks3Bears · 19/04/2019 00:56

You’re not lucky. He’s doing this to maintain a controlling upper hand.

LeaveOrRemain · 19/04/2019 02:32

I think using the CMS is the best way to deal with Child Maintenance. They will prepare a payment schedule for the paying parent to follow and it is binding. My schedule requires payment to be made every Monday. They will review annually and adjust the payment schedule to reflect changes in the paying parents income. They have enforcement procedures if the paying parent does not pay.

Downsides of CMS are;

Self employed seem to be able to run rings around the CMS.

Under the 2012 CMS system it is not longer possible to apply for a Variation on the grounds of assets or lifestyle inconsistent with income.

They have no jurisdiction over foreign earnings. There is the REMO system, but I have heard that can be a nightmare.

I pay child maintenance to ex wife by standing order. I also pay direct for school trips, hobbies, annual holiday, birthday and Christmas presents. My logic is that children should not lose out if their parents divorce. However, it appears that some fathers break their backs to avoid paying maintenance.

shitpark · 19/04/2019 02:40

I stopped reminding ex and he stopped paying. I went through CMS and it now gets deducted. Took a long time but worth it.

AvengersAssemble · 19/04/2019 03:03

Go through CMS and let them remind him or face as Deduction of earnings.

Mabellavender · 19/04/2019 03:05

No you shouldn’t think yourself lucky, he should be paying maintenance of your the main career and he’s not doing you a favour.

NC4Now · 19/04/2019 03:07

Mine set up a standing order in 2008 and has paid monthly since. He moved the date when he changed jobs, that’s it. It’s a total non-issue between us.

LeaveOrRemain · 19/04/2019 03:34

Go through CMS and let them remind him or face as Deduction of earnings

OP has stated her partner is a Contractor. If so then he may be working through his own Limited Company. That might make a Deduction from Earnings order more difficult. However, CMS have other procedures they can use.

Sally2791 · 19/04/2019 06:28

I have recently applied through cms because there would have been no chance of him voluntarily paying maintenance. He is furious and badgering one child (who is old enough to choose ) to stay more nights with him. That child was aware it was only for financial reasons and it's had the opposite effect. I haven't had a payment yet, but I'm fairly confident that even my weaselly lying ex won't be able to evade paying maintenance. He sees it as "giving me money " not providing for his children.

LeaveOrRemain · 19/04/2019 06:48

I haven't had a payment yet, but I'm fairly confident that even my weaselly lying ex won't be able to evade paying maintenance

CMS have various enforcement procedures they can apply. So you should be okay.

Paying parents wanting to increase the nights they have child to reduce the maintenance they have to pay to the other parent is false economy as the more nights they have the child the more they pay from their own pocket.

Exception to that is when shared care is exactly 50:50 in which case no maintenance is payable at all.

Ilovetolurk · 19/04/2019 06:52

Set yourself a reminder and have a standard text ready to go so it’s not using up headspace

Alternatively embrace it and spend each month finding appropriate sarcastic memes you can send as a reminder and amuse yourself

Doidontimmm · 19/04/2019 06:56

I have this issue & now just send “?” and no thank you or reply to him, so minimal contact

Ilovetolurk · 19/04/2019 07:27

Start with something like this

Yellowshirt · 19/04/2019 15:14

I'll hold my hands up here and say up until two weeks a go I didn't have a direct debit set up for my wife but I had to wait for her texts as our payment was different every month but I'm hoping now payment will be the same every month so I have set it. Ours have been complicated these last 9 months due to debt payments, school trips ano other bits but I set it up as I don't want texts off the horrible compulsive liar.

PicsInRed · 19/04/2019 17:44
Hmm
SnapesGreasyHair · 07/05/2019 20:33

Set your phone up to automatically send a message every month. Then you won't have to give it as much thought.

MancaroniCheese · 08/05/2019 13:56

My ex set up a standing order. I realise that compared to a lot of men he is a decent bloke happy to contribute to his children's upbringing - that should be the norm not the exception.

My OH gets bonuses and commission so he doesn't have a standing order to pay CM as it varies every month. According to the court order he could just pay a set amount but if he has extra then he shares it with his kids and their mother.

Everyone knows when their payday is, it is not hard for these selfish twats to pay their CM on the day, it is just a small bit of power play

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