Divorcing at 27 - Afraid of Being Alone. Reassurance and Advice Please!

[ThisWasNotThePlan]

I am 27: have been with my husband for ten years, married for three, no children. We have had a happy and fulfilling relationship for many years, but recent issues have come to a head, issues a little too personal and painful to write about here right now, and I am in the middle of a tormenting process of deciding whether we should divorce.

The decision will be mine and I am struggling with the immense weight and pressure of making such a choice, although I think I know what the answer needs to be, partnered with the overwhelming guilt of hurting someone who I still love. The divorce would be amicable, although desperately sad. I hope we could one day be friends, as I cannot bear the thought of not having him in my life and writing off the memories, support and friendship we have.

There are a couple of things I would appreciate some advice, reassurance or experiences on if possible.

1. Did anyone move back home after a separation? I moved out of home at 17 so have not lived with my mum for a decade. I would have a reasonable amount from my 50% of our home sale: 25k-30k and would eventually like to put this back into property, but I feel like I would need to spend the first 6 months or so recovering, building up finances, mourning and having my mum for support. Would this just delay the inevitable difficulty of living alone?

1. Has anyone managed to have an amicable separation and stay friends after? There are plenty of stories of people with children who have been forced to do this and made it work, but I am hoping that it can be possible, eventually, for us as well.

1. Please tell me success stories of finding future happiness and perhaps even relationships and children. I know I am young and that I would have time (after a couple of years recovering and learning who I am independently) to find love and PERHAPS have a family, but starting again (when I had smugly assumed I WOULD have those things) is terrifying.

You can absolutely start again. My ex of 11yrs dumped me whilst I was recovering from an accident (nice eh) and I was repeatedly told what a shame it was I was single when everyone else was getting married, buying property and having babies. I was 27. At 32 I'm now in a different town, married and with an 8 month old baby. Things change. All I would say is get yourself some counselling as me and DH find ourselves both reliving the issues of past relationships which can be tricky. It's better to work through any issues now if you can rather than having couples counselling later down the line. I have friends who have moved back home and found it positive in that if they had issues like debt or wanting to change career then if they were honest about it, their parents would generally help.

Thank you for the response @blackcat86
It is lovely to hear that you were able to move on to a happy future - congratulations on your little one. Can I ask how long you were single for following your break up and how did you find this time?

A great shout about counselling. I am able to access some through my work and contacted them about this last week, so I am hoping that will help me in this current situation but I am also likely to need it after for a while I would imagine.

It was about 10 months before I met DH. At first it was really rough because my ex had another girl lined up that he worked with. She was younger but not particularly bright or much to look at (sorry that sounds bitchy) and I was hearing all about it through social media and friends. Then I started getting better. I'd already been recovering and the extra time got me more into diet and exercise. My confidence improved hugely and I got a new look which helped to. I went out more with friends and planned trips. I chatted to a few guys on online dating and was casual with one for a few months. It was a good palette cleanser as long as I remained clear on what I was looking for in a guy. Then I went to Australia for xmas (I'd never been on a plane before so it was huge for me) and came back and DH had started at my work place. He was everything I said I didnt want but we just clicked.

I'm about to become newly divorced and my (ex)H will always be in my life. He's the father of my son but that aside, he'd be in my life regardless.
I've instigated the divorce with his understanding based on what our marriage had become over time.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with you heading back to mum for a bit to recover and build yourself back up, nor would there be anything wrong with setting up alone from the off of the right home presented itself to you. Do whatever works. I have a 6yo now and id like to think he'll always know there's a place at home for him no matter what.

I've been with Ex(H) since I was a teenager (now early 30s) so I'm quite looking forward to some time on my own without being in a relationship and who knows what will happen in my future.....

It sounds like you've not quite decided which way to go yet - but I think the ultimate outcome is only ever what the two people involved can make it. If you're both happy with friendship then there's no reason for that not to happen.

@blackcat86 It sounds like you made really good use of your time afterwards and great that you took a trip all the way to Australia. A big journey for anyone, let alone someone who hadn't been on a flight! Interesting what you said about your DH being everything you didn't want - there is no rhyme or reason to this love thing, is there?!

@Milkand2sugarsplease I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in but how lovely to know that you are moving forward together and with a hope to be in each other's lives. We have been discussing our situation between each other, and, although it would be hard, we both agree we would remain part of each other's life. Do you mind me asking how long it took you to make your decision? And, was there a large amount of reluctance from your H or was it a mutual decision in the end?

Good luck with this process. I hope you settle into your new life quickly and enjoy the time to explore this new chapter!

@ThisWasNotThePlan If I'm honest, it's been a long time coming and have bitten the bullet so to speak. We've not been right as a married couple for a long time now but we mudded along for the sake of our son with me eventually realising that it's not actually right for our son for us to maintain a fake marriage and he's better off seeing both of us happy in our own right.

I am absolutely confident that we can maintain a friendship beyond divorce because we've been living as friends for a considerable time just with a piece of paper that says we're married too. Essentially we have just grown apart over the years - I've grown up and changed a lot and he grew up and remained pretty much the same. There's nothing wrong with him not changing but I have and I want very different things from a relationship, and from life, now than I did when we first married (early 20's for me).

He was a little surprised the night I approached him about a divorce - there'd been no argument or indeed anything in particular that had triggered it - just me knowing it was time. But he's in agreement about it and happily signed the papers - and the cheque seeing as I didn't have a cheque book in my name. He doesn't want a 'marriage' with me any more than I with him so it's a joint decision. The only difference being is he's not really open to the possibility of anyone else in the future (that may change further down the line, though it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if it didn't) and as such was more willing/happy to just continue muddling through like we had been - and I think is why it took him by surprise when I broached it with him.

We have been living as friends for a number of years now and in hindsight it was always just a matter of time before I got to this point. I think it was inevitable that it was always going to be me to instigate it.

@Milkand2sugarsplease
I definitely agree with what you say about your son. He is lucky to have two parents who are clearly going to be able to co-parent so well.

I hope the process is quick and as painless as possible for you all!

After a few weeks of uncertainty/limbo/pretending everything was okay at home, I have had the discussion with my husband about having some more space, I suppose a sort of separation: different rooms, not socialising as we usually would. A horrid conversation with plenty of tears. I am as yet unsure what the final outcome will be, but know I need a little more space in my head to figure it out. It all feels totally awful at the moment. Wish I could fast forward a couple of years to a (hopefully) more settled situation.