He won't divorce me

[Bluemascara4]

Hi,

I've posted before but my H is refusing to divorce me, or even discuss it. When I bring up the subject, he gets angry saying I will ruin our DS's life ( only child aged 8).

My reasons are, years of coercive control and low level verbal abuse .

If I bring up the subject of separation, he keeps going on and on that I'm having an affair ( I'm not and never have been unfaithful) and that I'm depressed. That bit is true and having help and medication for this. But in his mind, I'm not thinking clearly .

I haven't told my DS as I want to discuss it with H first .

Anyone else been in this position?

I'm so stressed and tearful all the time

Thank you for listening .

Tell him you want to be a nun..
He is getting nun today.
Nun tomorrow ,
And nun for the rest of his life off you....

You don't need his permission to separate

If you wish to separate and ultimately divorce, then make plans accordingly

Go and see a solicitor

That made me stop crying for 30 seconds

Yes seen a solicitor. Divorce petition all ready to go to court...... I'm scared of his reaction and what he'll say to DS

So tell DS first..
Tell him , You don't feel happy with not so DH.. that mummy is still going to be with DS, but mummy has decided everyone will be happier not living with daddy ..
That you hope DS realises that nothing he has done caused this
I bet he knows a few friends who have had this happen ...

What do you do with your bum when your having a god time......
Nothing,. You just divorced him.

Can you tell him not to be so controlling ? Snap at him every time he gives you low level abuse ? Tell him the divorce petition is ready and if he doesn’t tow the line you WILL be leaving ?

You are amazing OP to have worked all this out and to decide that the best thing for you and your DS is to remove yourselves from the damaging nature of this abusive man. Bravo.

Maybe when you are ready it might be worth considering contacting your local Womens Aid for the support that is often needed to manage the complications of detaching yourself from a man who manipulates like this.

Its that’s awful advice. What an atmosphere to live in for OP and their child! And it’s unlikely to change his behaviour.
Speak to DS yourself. And good luck OP.

You don't need his permission, you divorce him! Separate and if he doesn't agree, wait 5 years and divorce him.

This is just part of his control op. Clearly it's not working on you anymore. You're strong enough to see what he's doing and you are strong enough to divorce him too. Your son will be fine, it's hard at first but you soon realise it's better.
My mum was unhappy for years and only divorced my father when I was much older, my childhood was awful because of it. Both my parents were clearly unhappy, your son will be so much better off

Thank you so much for your replies.

He blames my responses to his awful behaviour on my hormones .

@brownjumper and OP if the new divorce bill goes through next year then you won't need to wait 5 years.

Also unless he's a complete fool he won't fight the divorce petitio, and even if he does by the end of next year you should hopefully be able to divorce him anyway.

He blames everything on you. That's the way he operates.

It's not you.

If you haven't already please think about reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft - you'll see his behaviour all there.

I am going through exactly same thing and going to file for divorce during may half-term. I have been keeping a journal of anything he says to me which counts as emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. You keep one too. I was also on anti depressants but off the them now. Get your solicitor to request a medical report for you as that idiot will ask for it trying to make out you are an unfit mother. Just a bullying tactic. Stay strong!!!!!

I did think about asking GP for medical report . To say I'm not a hormonal mess would be good too.

The trouble is, I've nowhere to go .

AL75 - I've been keeping a journal too. It's worth downloading the app 'bright sky'

Happy to PM with more details.

He's now blackmailing me in front of our child . Totally broken today.

I filed for Divorce when child was 8. Thought it was the best decision for everyone. Not good for a child to be in a house where the parents are not happy. Likely to make the child unhappy if it goes on too long.

My ex tried to block the Divorce and so I had to wait 2 years. In worst case you may have to wait 5 years. However, there is talk of the Divorce laws being changed and the need for one or both partners having to blame the other may be removed. About time too.

@LeaveOrRemain

That's reassuring. He's currently 'forcing' me to go on holiday saying to DS ' you want your mummy to come don't you '

We've slept separately in different rooms for seven years . Did you find it easy to distance yourself for those two years ?

That is so sad
Sorry to read this

He is an abuser
Clear way of controlling you

Get out as quick as you can

When I tried to break up with my ex he told me he would attack someone in the street and it would all be my fault
I stuck with him and then he tried to kill me

Please contact woman's aid
They are amazing

@looondonn ..... that's awful !!!!

Are you ok now?

The worst thing is for me, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong . I'm constantly told I'm over sensitive when I challenge him.

Did you find it easy to distance yourself for those two years ?

Courts would not initially issue the Decree Nisi as we had the same address. I was working outside the UK at the time, but had to change my UK address before Courts would issue the Nisi. I used my parents address as close to where son lived.

The worst thing is for me, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong
My Ex initially dispute my Divorce petition, but when courts saw the evidence of unreasonable behaviour they had to accept that they could not block the Divorce and the Nisi was issued.

Good luck