How to cope with not seeing DC every day

[VivaVegas]

My H of 20 years has messed me around for months and we've finally now split.
The bit I hate the most (and there are lots!) are not being able to see my DC every day now, we struggled to have them, and now I have forced to become a part time parent and I'm supposed to just accept it.
H moved out months ago (albeit it was supposed to be temporary) and still after this time I can't cope with it. I hate that I don't see them every morning and get to say a proper goodnight before bed, I hate not being involved in every aspect of their life and having to talk to them via FaceTime.
I make sure I have things to do when I'm on my own as I feel so lonely and the house just seems empty.
I have a weeks holiday booked with them which H is fine about but if he were to want to do the same I would be in bits at not seeing them for so long.
I didn't have kids to become a part time parent (we struggled to have them, lost several babies and were told we would be very lucky if we did) and now he thinks I should just accept all of this.
Any tips on how to accept the new norm and how to not feel I'm just losing so much when I just feel like I've lost everything that was important to me: my marriage/best friend/husband who I thought I'd grow old with and now my DC too.

Viva yes of course it. Honestly I’m not having a go I just think you are very intense.

You are bringing them up and I assume you speak on the phone when they are not there? You do have them the majority of the time.

Did you have any time away from the children before the split?

What you have to be really careful is not letting the kids see that they are the ones that you rely on for your happiness - that’s actually a big burden for a child.

OP it gets easier. I felt exactly the same as you - I really resented my exH for separating me from my children. Dreaded the weekends and spent time trying to fill them so it wouldn't feel so awful.

now I really enjoy my time away from them. It gives me a chance to recharge, escape the drudgery a bit and go out.

Anna that's how I feel, how do you get from that to where you are now, is it just time?
I don't think I'm relying on them for my happiness, I just miss them, I'm used to a busy bustling house and now it's just me in it on my own and it's horrible, empty and quiet. I miss the whole family unit that I was part of for so long.
It doesn't help that all my friends are in relationships or married and have children so are doing family things at weekends and I just feel lonely.

Hey Viva I completely understand. The house is quiet and lonely and there's no one you can tell unless you want to come across as super-needy. I watched lots of box sets and made plans with local friends. Reading is good too. In time it gets easier. I went to the theatre by myself the other day and it was fine. Your DC know you love them and they adjust fairly quickly (IME) to having two homes. As they get older they can choose to go less often. I told myself I wanted them to have a good and positive relationship with their father (despite him being an arse) so I tried not to bad mouth him and always encouraged them to have a good time when they were with him. All really tough. Good luck.

I miss mine terribly when they are away.I Dont think you are being unreasonable to feel that way. It's actually worse now mine are a bit older as when they are here they are teenagery and spend more time in their rooms or out with their friends, so I actually miss them a bit even when they are in the house (which I know would have happened had I still been married but obvs they would have been here all the time so the time I have with them wouldn't have felt so precious so to speak)

I do fill the time doing stuff for me or boring housework type stuff so I don't have to do it whilst they are here but that doesn't stop me feeling sad sometimes.

I guess it's good prep for when they move out later on-it won't come as such a big shock to the system. But that's really the only upside for me at the moment.

VivaVegas I feel for you, it must be horrible.
Two things - you’re doing the best for them by enabling a continuing good relationship with their dad....and the consequence is you miss them like crazy. It is hard but it will ease and I hope that you can take some comfort knowing you are doing the right thing by them sharing them with their dad. My 14 year old was 2 when I split up with his dad and initially it was so hard being away from him...his dad then moved 4 hours away when he was 4 years old so his visits were infrequent but got longer so that he was away up to 2 weeks at a time and a long way away. I did get used to it, always sent him off telling him to have a lovely time and encouraging and enthusing him as because his dad was far away and there could be 6 weeks between visits, sometimes he was tearful and hesitant to go. In the early days I used to have a little cry after he’d left but eventually I enjoyed the free time and as the years passed, also the time to focus on my younger two. (Eldest’s relationship with his dad unfortunately has deteriorated and he barely sees him now but that’s another, sad, issue).
Secondly, if you work full time and they are primary age, is there anyway you can afford to reduce or compress your hours? Or work flexibly so longer late hours on the weekdays he has them and short days when you have them? If you could finish to pick them up from school a couple of times a week on your days rather than the full-time get home at 5.30/6 whatever, it could make a lot of difference to how much you are actually with them.

Best of luck. Don’t nurture your natural resentment at him for this situation and you will get used to it and heal.

I think it was just time Viva . To start with I would contact female friends and try to arrange something - I had a couple who lived in different cities so I could stay the whole weekend. I also started dating - seeing completely random people but it got me out of the house on a saturday night and I enjoyed going out and meeting people (even if I wasn't ready for an actual relationship). But I think you grow used to it, and it's so full on being a single parent (especially if you're working too) that you need some time.

I now like an empty house. I do do things like yoga, running and cycling now. But am happy staying in on a Saturday night if that's what happens.

It's early days for you, and you're reeling from the break up of your relationship (I was too, and I discovered a few months into it that he did in fact have a girlfriend, which threw me back into reeling mode for a while). You aren't a part time parent - it's still your full time role. It's just you have a couple of days off, which in time you'll get used to, and even enjoy.

My ex has taken the kids for a week now a couple of times - I still find that's my limit. I start wanting them back. But if I remember how I was the first christmas he had them (sobbing mostly), I'm in a very different place now.

I am 😡 on your behalf at the posters saying you are overly dependent on your children for wanting to see them and being heartbroken at this major upheaval. Responses totally lacking in empathy.
Anyone who wants you to just "get over it" has no understanding of what it's like.
Your response is completely understandable. It does get better but it takes time.

My problem is 2 of the 4 children dont like going so I have to send them off begging not to go and crying. They are 9 and 10. My eldest doesnt see him. That hurts more the fact they dont want to go. It makes me spend all my child free (or 1 child time) worrying sick. That is getting harder not easier!!!! Help!

Blossom5 that sounds so difficult! I didn't want to split the parenting but it does make it so much easier that my DC like going to see their Dad.

In fact, he has become a better parent out of it.
I hope the situation improves for you.

Thank you... yes it would be better if they liked going. I wish he could be reasonable but he just cant and everyone then suffers. He is more present for sure which is good, but I think seeing him more has made two of them like him less... x

OP, have you considered dating again? You sound like a loving person who has a lot to give.

Several friends have suggested that but at my age it would have to be OLD which is just alien to me.
It's probably too soon for me as I just feel unwanted/old/ugly because of what's happened and have lost confidence in myself. It's all alien to me as I've always quite liked me.
Amazing how something like this just knocks the stuffing out of you and takes away the things you care about the most.

Hi VivaVegas
I actually noticed your posts in another thread, about being 50 and separating. The same has happened to me - I am now 49 (50 this year) and my ex-partner (albeit only of 9 years) left me suddenly two years ago and it was horrific for me. He was my true love, blah di blah, I had assumed I would never meet someone, have kids, etc, and when I met him and had children late, I was so happy. Now i have lost all of that, and the worst of all is my children's lives are now split in two, without my consent. They were 2 and 7 when he left, I had my son fairly old (44) and so I am heading into menopause, with very young children, having been rejected by the man I love, who is also my children's father. It has been so painful. It still is so painful. I hate the fact that they go away for 2/3 days a week, and that I am excluded from that part of their lives. His family have also stopped contact with me, so I really am excluded. However, in time it has got easier, as I have got used to it, despite it being painful. I also know that it is really important that they still see their dad as much as possible, as they love and miss him, and I don't want them to suffer from being estranged from him as I have. He left me, not them, and they are half him, as well as me. It makes them happy, and they are happier if I am also happy with them being with him, and so I swallow my pain and hurt for their sake.
In the beginning I was manic about making arrangements for every moment I was away from them (seeing friends, going to the cinema, exercising etc), but that was exhausting, and I am now beginning to find it ok to be away from them, although never ok ok, iykwm. The way I handle it is telling myself I am their mother 100% of the time, even if not physically present for that time. I also check in on them - I arrange times to call them (but not too frequently as it upsets my oldest as she then misses me). Maybe every other day, and only in the morning, or if they are at the childminder, then I call her and have a chat with them. It is hard, and I feel for you, and I completely relate to that distress at having your family split up without you having any control in it, but remember, the children will be as ok as can be, if you are. And they want to see their dad, and feel able to love him without guilt or worry, and that is good for them. I recommend reading Breaking Upwards by Charlotte Friedman. She is a family lawyer turned therapist who deals with all these issues. It is a short book too! Lots of love xx

There's some good advice on here.
I thought my DC were doing ok and mostly they are.

Then the other day, DD1 said she feels like a part of her is missing all the time because she misses her Dad when she's with me, and she misses me when she's with him.

I have gotten over the anger about his affair and the way he treated me leading up to leaving.

But I am still pissed off that he chose to break up our family for his own selfish reasons.

It's hard. And we can only do our best to make the most of the time we do have with them.

I have a similar situation. I am the same age as you and had my DC later due to infertility. The only difference is that it is me who is thinking of ending our relationship.

I think our marriage is dead and think my DH knows it too but won't openly admit it. This makes me feel so sad because we have been through so many hard times together and we loved each other very, very much. He is/ was the very love of my life. I feel I have no option but to end it because he isn't interested in me at all and I actually think he is emotionally abusive. Upthread the OP said she felt old, unwanted and ugly. Well, my DH makes me feel this way in our marriage. Funny thing is though that deep down I know I am anything but!

Your thread has got me thinking. I want to finish it but what is stopping me is the fact that I wouldn't get to see my DC all the time. I want to end it, but think I should wait a few years if I can. Maybe the pain of not seeing my DC would be greater than the pain I feel when the person I loved most in the world treats me like sh!t.

OP it's hard. But you get used to it.

I use the time doing stuff for myself. But also stuff so that when ds is here, we get quality time together. The day I pick him up I do a big shop. While he us gine I catch up on washing and all the little things I dont want to spend time doing when he is with me.

Our time together is doing things like homework that I cant do when he isnt here, but also watching movies, going to the park, taking him with friends to soft play or an adventure playground etc.

The time we spend together is quality time. It makes it feel much easier. In my head, its space to get all the crap done. Spend sometime doing what I want to do. It's good to take out for yourself mentally.

I do think when i was married i never got time for myself. I never got to make a decision about what I wanted to do today. I had other people to consider.

Last week, I didnt get out of bed until 3pm. Laid in bed napping and watching Netflix. I could never have done that when I was married. Even if ds wasnt around. Dh would have hated me chilling all day or kept coming in pestering for sex.

You will learn to appreciate the time you have to mentally look after yourself. It's just hard dealing with the end of a marriage and this all at once.

It's also good preparation for when they do get older and not around as much anyway.

OP I could have written your post. I know exactly how you feel! Divorce and losing my family is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. None of it was my choice, and like you I still miss my DCs like mad when they’re with their dad. But I’ve gone from bawling under a blanket all day to being ‘ok’. I still don’t like it, but I’ve slowly become more accepting of it. It’s just time, and keeping busy, and reminding yourself that no matter how much it sucks for you, you’re doing the right thing by them. I now have strategies for my weekends alone that really help. One thing I do is plan something early-ish on the Saturday morning. A haircut, fitness class, walk with a friend, anything. Gets me up and out with a focus, and gives me a sense of purpose that can carry me through the rest of the weekend. Be kind to yourself xxx

Op dont listen to the morons on here i think one of the main reasons i couldntleave is because i couldnt bare not to see my child every day. Your not dependent on them everyonr elae shame on you