Does this sound fair?

[stucknoue]

H has offered the house (he would retain equity but I can live in it until I want to sell or remarry), the car (but he would be allowed to drive it), a monthly allowance plus half the mortgage and to pay for the kids (adults). I think it's a good starting point (was a sahm for 8 years whilst travelling for his work, worked pt since, dd autistic). .. oh and 1/3 of his pension but I won't get it until he claim it and monthly then ... (think that might need to be rethought!)

My sons autistic too. There seems very little info out there about disabled children who of course might not ever leave home or let main carer work full time. I think the equity split should be high in favour of the main carer and could even be 100% if the house is likely to be needed to house a child into adulthood. I suppose it depends on whether the share of equity would be enough for you to rehouse yourself with costs and whether it would be for you or you and a dependent adult. I need to find a solicitor who specialises in disabled kids as although I’m part time and main carer I still earn more than STBXH (because I am sensible and have a work ethic) and I’m not sure to what extent the massive sacrifice I am making in earnings and my pension will be taken into account given he is still worse off than me but it still means I will retire on 50% of what I could have expected if care was shared evenly. I don’t have the answers but know what I have managed to read says the usual rules won’t apply if someone is disabled. So I would def get advice and not go off what would be expected for non disabled children

I’m in the same boat but am going to fight to keep all my pensions sacrificed a lot to max out as well as do a private one whilst he gambled his away and saved the bearest minimum.

Dd is high functioning but there's a good chance she will remain with me for life - though not financially dependent at least, she's adult and at university locally and has managed to work in retail. He seems to like the idea of having a family home at least - once mortgage is cleared I could purchase outright a 2 bed here and (not that I hope it will be for many years) my share of parents house is worth enough to buy him out. He does seem to think that once we retire he will continue to give me money from his pension, I'm sure there's a better way

Pensions don’t work like that. You have to split the pots, then the pension is yours. Other than that I’d say this is an extremely generous offer, particularly when the kids are adults. In contrast, I am having to pay my ex husband a lot of money to go away and supporting the kids beyond 18 through uni etc is entirely down to me. I have made sacrifices and worked part-time for the kids’ sake but I’ve still been the higher earner and I am being clobbered.

His thinking with the pension was he would give me 1/3 each month once we turn 68 (apparently it's going up) final salary scheme so super secure compared to me getting a private one. The house is worth a bit, I put in £100k so I might be able to trade the pension for the house equity, he's not financially astute, he doesn't even know how much the mortgage is!

I'd say you're taking him to the cleaners. No need for you to ever learn to support yourself.