What to do for kids seeing DH

[SeparatingParent]

After a long time trying to work things out (on my part - DH admitted in couples therapy that he didn't actually try to do anything to make things better in our relationship or really put any effort in...) I have left DH. He has moved out, and the kids stayed with me in the family home.

DH effectlively ghosted the children. He left in the night without saying anything to them. Has spoken to them for 5 minutes on the phone in the last 10 days, and when he did he said that he was away for "work" and wouldn't be able to say when he was coming back.

I want advice on the best long term plan going from here. I don't want to drip feed, so will try to add as much as I can.

DH is narcisistic, has untreadted ADHD, possibly alcoholic (thought I'm really not sure here but he does drink approx 7 units a day and is in denial about it), is not able to meet the emotional needs of the DC (three under 10, one with Autism), can usually meet physical needs though it makes me very anxious to leave him in charge as there have been serious incidents in the past (inc. two tips to A&E).

He has been emotionally abusive to me for years and sometimes also to the children.

Peripheral things as well like he lets them watch TV, gives them junk food, doesn't/can't do homework... not awful but not good parenting.

I would prefer them not to stay overnight with him, but can see that they might have to. I think he should do every other weekend, by picking them up from their sports on a Saturday morning. I'd also like him to take them each to a sport activity after school once a week so he can have some quality time with each child before and after the club, but they still come home, get a good dinner, and get a good sleep. They each already do the activity in question.

Is this reasonable? What advice do you have in this scenario?

I think you need to talk it through with him and try to understand what his expectations are too.

I don't think you're in a position to dictate not having overnights unless you consider his drinking a safeguarding issue. Sounds like he likes a drink, but pretty functional, despite not being skilled in good parenting.

EOW once a fortnight sounds about right, with something in the week perhaps. Dictating what he does and doesn't do with them isn't really your business anymore, unless they're being harmed or at risk of. Although, if they have a routine club/hobby that they love doing and want to keep doing it, then it's reasonable to ask him to keep that up with them where possible.

Good luck.

The thing is, one DC is very competitive about the sport (county/national level) so would t agree to miss the training. Other DC is autistic so changing routine is very challenging and not good for the child.

I want him to participate in family life without detrimental effects on the children. By as that was hard when he lived here I guess it’s just going to get harder.

Yes, I do think the drinking is a safeguarding issue. He doesn’t wake in the night when the children need him... which happens every 2-3 nights.

You can’t dictate what he does in his own time with the kids... just like he can’t with you.

However I’d just let it play out. He sounds like an arsehole and not that bothered anyway so why force it. If you push to hard he might start demanding over nights ... which I wouldn’t want.

Have you applied for CS?

I guess if he wouldn’t agree to take them to clubs and he can’t manage other after-school routines (in essential theta for autistic DC) then he would only see them EOW. Which wouldn’t be much, but itts better than the children missing out in other ways.

No, I get that I can’t dictate. But I can ask him to consider the children’s needs.

No, I’ve not applied for CS as I’m the main earner. I didn’t think I could.

Aim for EOW. It suits my friend as her ex refused to take them to clubs. Plus it’s only one day/night of having to calm them down after visiting their father.

Still apply for it.

Apply for CS.
Its related to the fact that the kids will reside with you for a vast majority of the time.

He suggested EO Sunday. No overnights and he’ll think about taking them to activities in the week. I had to pretty much force him to agreed to a day out with them over the Easter hols.

I don’t know why I thought he’d ask for more.

And agreed we’d talk about finances next week when he’s had a chance to think it through.

Looks like your suspicion on the alcoholism is right. Sad.

Make sure to file a CMS claim. You'll need some help with childcare costs, if you're going to have a semblance of a life yourself in the near future.

My expectations of this man would be zero,. He can't be arsed to have them overnight, take them to clubs, or anything else. He didn't care about the relationship, he doesn't care about the dc or anything except where the next drink is coming from. I hope you have got good family support around you OP.

SeparatingParent don't be surprised if he fades out of the kids' lives. All he has to do is miss a contact day once a month, and then he'll only see them once a month, and it will decline from there. Get your support systems in place and brace yourself for being a lone parent...

I agree that you need to prepare yourself and your children for him to opt out of any separate parenting. Sometimes this is because they don't know how - and cannot be bothered to learn. Especially if you are the sort of woman who has 'done everything'.

Sometimes this attitude is even more prevalent when the mother, like you , has made the decision to end the marriage. A sort of belligerent 'fuck you ! - you want me gone ? Ok I'm gone as a husband and parent - see how you like it'. Seen this a few times. Very hard , especially for dcs.

I’d be more concerned about their safety with him OP. You said there have been serious incidents including 2 trips to A&E in the past. So multiple incidents. Were these all with him in sole charge? Or did he contribute to the incidents in some way either actively or through passivity / neglect?

I wouldn’t want your children to never see their Dad. I wouldn’t want a single parent to be left with 100% of the responsibility 100% of the time... but are you certain he’s safe to be with the dc by himself at all? Don’t push for more contact than you would be happy with on principle. It sounds as if you would all be better off without him in your lives at all, in many ways.

It’s hard to judge from within the relationship but I don’t think he’s as much of a dick as it sounds when you put it in black and white.

I’m sure he hugely overwhelmed by the situation, but he has been very selfish in all his choices. He does genuinely seem to want to work at being a better parent and person. I just want him to do that first before agreeing he can have the kids for long periods of time. In the past if it’s been more than a day he’s always taken them to his Mum’s. I’d be fine with that.

He said the reason for no overnight stays for now is that he has nowhere for them to stay. He hasn’t told me where he’s staying other than “a room” and he’s looking for a flat.

With looking after the kids, I’m pretty sure it’s the ADHD and drinking that means he can’t. He doesn’t agree with me, thinks he’s fine as a parent, and thinks I’m blowing everything out of proportion. I am quite an in control sort of parent, though I do keep tabs on myself to make sure I’m not going neurotic or helecopter on the kids.

Anyhow, thanks all for your comments and I’ll stand firm about the contact with the kids until I feel like I can trust him.