I'm missing my DH

[fingernailsbitten]

Long marriage. He left about a month ago. Hasn't properly explained himself or the moving out. He has been vague. He is now living in a relative's empty property (with the consent of his family/siblings). Anytime I've asked him (by text) for us to talk about things he's ignored the message. I don't know what he is thinking or whether him moving out is temporary or permanent. A friend has advised me not to message him and wait to see if he messages me. She told me I need to give him space to miss me. I think if I rang his mobile he would most likely ignore it. Even if he did answer the call I would choke up and get emotional when I heard his voice.

I want to give him space but I really want him to know how much I love him and how much I want him with me.

Our relationship wasn't perfect but no one's is.

I think the marriage is worth my effort but I don't think he thinks that way.

I suggested relationship counselling in my text message a while ago and he said no, he would hate to go to counselling. He is as i'm sure you can guess not a talker.

WWYD?

Sometimes people don't like confrontation....write a letter?

Have you no idea why he left?

Letter

Hi. sorry I've been ill.
He's barely said a word. All he did say was I don't hate you. I think I want to be on my own and live on my own.
If I message him i don't get a reply for hours or days.
All I have is questions and no answers.
I don't think he'll ever explain. Perhaps he has fallen out of love and just thinks that is fine.

We had problems years ago but geniunely I thought that was all behind us. I wonder if it has flared up in his mind. I did try to get him to talk to me weeks ago but I got shut down with him closing his eyes and rubbing his eyes and head and literally shutting me out. At one point he asked me to leave him alone and stop asking questions.

I really want to be with him. I thought we would grow old together. We've been through 25 years together. Good and bad.

I have been thinking that he's met someone else but my gut tells me that he hasn't. I could also be wrong.

A letter is a good idea except all I can seem to write is why this and why that. Which won't help either of us.

The last message I had from him was in reply to a small question from me on Friday 31st March (a week ago). Nothing since that. How can a husband treat their wife like this? I've not done anything wrong. Is he he one who has done something wrong? Is this his guilt?

OP it looks like you've changed name which may affect the responses you get.

From your post it sounds like he wants to move on and you don't. There is nothing you can do to make someone want to be with you. I have been where you are as my H left me last June after 25 years. It's horrible but you can't force it. I would suspect he's had his head turned (mine did and he was the last man on earth I would have suspected).

You ask in your post WWYD - i would step right back and do the grey rock. Accept it's over and start building a life on my own. Be prepared for OW to come out of the woodwork. Move on.

Poor you. Stop chasing him and you’ll get your answers faster. I agree, it sounds as though there is someone else.

Change your name back- I think you will get more responses on this thread.

It's awful when the explanations they give are ridiculous or simply non-existent. I got the classic "I'm not in love with you anymore" even though he kept telling me he loved me and what great partners we were up to that point.

It sounds like your DH is going through a midlife crisis and/or depression like mine did.

I spent a LOT of energy and time trying to understand his situation, to help him, to fix him, writing letters to him and asking for a feasible explanation about why he would want to end a 15 year, happy marriage with 2 kids without even trying to work on our relationship together.

I never did get any answers. I suspect you won't either. I did find evidence of an affair later but even now I don't believe that was the reason he left. I think he left because he was deeply unhappy and it was easier to blame me and the marriage for this than to really examine himself and the causes for that unhappiness.

All you can do is choose to move on with your life and be happy without him. It's heartbreaking and awful but once I accepted this I realised that being with an unhappy person had been dragging me down, too.
You might find that too.

So similar though he's still here, in fact he seems to think we can be friends (all the things he likes about our relationship which seems to be most things) but get to sleep with younger, slimmer, more athletic women, and no (grown) kids in the way, making a mess etc

Wow- sounds like my husband.