Tell me to stop calling him!

[BuxomWenchOnAPony]

My husband has left. He wants a good relationship with our kids, he wants us to be friends. He had an affair which ended when she returned to her own family. He feels nothing for me. I get all of this on a logical level, but it feels so wrong and it feels like he’s going to regret it when he does get round to feeling anything himself. Which is his problem, but we are paying the price. I want him to see how wrong-thinking he is (he thought I wouldn’t be bothered), and I know I can’t make him feel anything. I’m hurting so badly I feel like I’m going mad. I’m doing the right things, arranging contact with the girls, getting finances sorted, selling the house etc. But my feelings won’t go, I have to let go but I can’t. Then I cave in and tell him, making myself even less appealing and like I’m a whiny, needy pathetic cow - which I seem to be. It’s not getting better and I can’t get on with my life. I’m so trapped and I can’t get him out of my life without hurting the kids - they are struggling with this new, cold daddy too.
Please, wise and sane women, tell me how to pull myself together!

No I won't tell you that because what your feeling and how your acting isn't unusual. It may not be helping but you've gone through a terrible experience.
The best advice is to say nothing, every time I want to tell my ex something or tell him what a mistake he is making I go to my notes ( on my phone) and write it there, because in all honesty what I say to him won't change a thing and it gives me a chance to stop building up negative thoughts or finding ways of how I can fix what I have no control over.

I’ve been there and done that but you are right, you need to stop calling him, frankly he doesn’t want to be with you. I’m so sorry but you need to set boundaries now and find a way to grieve the loss of your relationship and then move on, it will get better x

Give yourself time. I second keeping notes. Or draft e mails. This has saved me from reaching out to him. Rant away to friends and family. You need boundaries in place.
I know how you are feeling. I'm 15 month in and he is. Still with ow. Happy I assume. I have nothing to do with him. He isn't the man he use to be. I drop the kids at his. He drops them back. It is shit situation. I just have faith in time it will hurt less. We both deserve better. Hang in there.

In would also say what your feeling is normal and try not to say everything out loud to him.
I like the idea of the notes as I often feel better once I have put it out there in the world.

Can you have any counciling ? I was before my husband left and it’s been amazing

Mine won’t even asnswr some questions I have, he wants time to process them. I feel like he’s getting time to get together a story he wants to tell or that I will simply “forget” 17 years of realationship.
Men don’t leave before processing this info surley ??? Makes me think I have an OW somewhere in the picture but I can’t see it yet.

I’m hanging onto us both feeling better xxx

So feel your pain. My “D”H changed from a wonderful devoted family man and husband to someone I didn’t even recognise with the help of his job which has totally brainwashed him into thinking leaving his wife and family was him being his “best self”. Obviously he had an affair with a younger colleague who just totally gets him. I was at home taking care of the children and home life while he was having late meetings and “business trips”. He then blamed me for kicking him out when he finally confessed, played the pick me dance for 6 weeks, moved back in to try and work on things (we agreed until the summer term ended to provide some consistency for the children) but moved out after 2.5 weeks because he was living a lie and it was “too hard”. I am obviously still angry with him.
He has barely spoken to any of his real friends who have known him for years. I assume because he is too ashamed.
I am moving back to my home country with the children so he will barely see them once we go. I’m getting better at not doing pleading / begging / responding with anger when I see him but it is so hard.

Trying to see him for what he was, he accused me of being controlling but after reading that mumsnet thread about the cycling, I realise he was doing that to me, giving me choices like that all the time ie. do you mind if I have a late meeting for work, do you mind if I go for drinks etc. Loaded choices every time. He constantly offered to help with house / children and then during our split complained he had “given” too much of himself for harmony yet I was the one who sacrificed everything and came bottom of the pile for years. He also scuppered my plans for independence - didn’t want me to go back to work after our second when I was really struggling, meetings came up when I had my monthly book club, complained about the one major hobby I had, let me apply for university and start a short course which was the first thing I had done for myself in years after being a sahm during which he was having an affair so there was no realistic way I would have ever been able to go through with it. The list goes on.