Financial Mediation

[CF43]

Do you think that I should attend financial mediation.

At the moment we both have solicitiors dealing with it, but it takes two weeks on average to get an answer everytime the questions/answers go back and forth.

As I have mentioned previously he won't discuss anything with me on this subject and has been quite rude and degrading on this subject.

We have just done mediation for contact, but he won't sign the document to make it legal meaning he can change his mind if he wants to, I have tried to be fair and reasonable with him with this and thought it came out quite reasonable.

But financial is a different matter, he has always been tight and restrictive with money which I know isn't a problem at least we have some we can fight over.

Talking to him the other morning though just made me realise that no amount of mediation is ever going to get through to him, but I am scared it's a risk to go to court. What if i get offered something that is alot less than what he is offering.

I have been to a number of people (professionals) and they all say the split should be between 75 and 80% but he is not offering anything near that amount.

He says that what ever amount I get from him should be just to buy the property and that I can't use the money for purchasing things we need, like furniture and fridges, washing machines etc. The current things we have don't work properly they are functional but 15 - 20 years old (washing machine) and only has two settings that work, we've needed a new one ages ago but he won't let me buy one. He says that I can't put down that I need the extra cash to pay off my solicitors bill which is currently 7K, and that I have to find the money myself to pay the bills.

I know I should let the solicitors fight it out but it takes so long, at this rate my son will be old enought to go to senior school and half the things I am asking for won't be relative anymore.

Sitting around a table with him through mediation for contact was a painful experience but it did get us somewhere in the end but what's the point when he won't make it legal. Months and hundreds of pounds went into those discussions for what.

So sitting round a table again with him when I know that he thinks I am a money grabing ..... is not going to be pretty, but to go through the humilation and then have him not sign anything again. why, it just not going to happen. Nothing I say to him will get through to him.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

Hi, @CF43.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not at this stage yet but I can see this being the case with me & STBXH.

I just wanted to mention you wrote a name in the 4th paragraph of your OP. You can ask mumsnet to take it out for you.

I hope someone with better advice comes along and helps.
I didn't want to read and run. I totally get your frustration.

how to do get them to take it out

I think if you report your own post and just ask them to remove the name op

Thanks for the heads up Isitme, it would seem I don't have any choice about mediation first meeting for financial settlement, I will have to see what the latest offer is from the solicitor first.

I just believe how hard it is to get a divorce in this country, but even harder when you have kids.

What’s he offering you OP? And how much more would you settle at? Is there lots of equity left in the house?

From the experience of others and what I am experiencing, it is a very difficult period. Very tough.
And yes, it boggles the mind how difficult it is to divorce.
Just know that this is just a period in time. And it too will pass.
Wishing you all the very best.

Yes tons more than half the value of the house plus savings, but he says i can't have any of it, somewhere in the middle of what i am asking for and what he's offering, but he won't go any higher as I said he says we aren't worth it, we stuck in stale mate position because he sees it that what he is offering is better than what I am worth, and that I will still be better off than what i was to start with, but he has a very high salary and really good pension, compared to very little salary and very little pension.
He's capable of getting a very good mortgage deal and i am not.
I won't go into figures here as don't think I should.

Take him to court.
Go to mediation first because you have to.
But tell him that you want your fair share, and a judge will give it to you, do not settle for less...
The judge will give you 50% plus as you have a child
Oh and he has not realised he will have to give you CS about 10% of his income, after the financial settlement. Which he can not tell you how to spend, once the judge gives it too you.

Make sure you go after the pension as well.
As you can swap it for more of the house if you want to.

Hard to say without figures but you are entitled to 50% of all assets.

What is his offer relative to this?

Court is very expensive but you may have to go there.
How long separated? Is house for sale?

He keeps trying to make me drop the divorce case, saying that it would be better if I don't go through with it, like ..... am I going to do that this time round.

I have worked full time uptill I had my son, and paid half of everything till then, he has stopped me from getting a job until now as he goes away at 24hrs notice and refused to look after him or pay the nursery fees, he wouldn't let me get a job at the weekend before the divorce process started as this was his time and he wouldn't look after our child.

Now i have started the divorce, i have a job well two to be honest but still not enough hours, i am trying to get training which costs money, i am trying to get work experience at my age it is not easy, I have to work school hours as won't have him any other time apart from what we have agreed, i have wonderful friends out their that have helped me out at short notice for training courses etc, my parents are getting on and live 200 plus miles away.

I have a careers advice meeting at the job centre and they are trying to arrange funding for courses to re-train and get work experience though they have been very helpful. I have a wonderful job and i really enjoy it but i want to go down the teaching assistant route and have no qualifications, so hopefully something will come out of this soon.
Things take time I know and i won't give in, i have to make a stand for what we need, otherwise what's the point.

No house not for sale yet, he won't agree on how much it is worth to start with, been seperated since may 2018 nisi in september 2018, it's taken this long so far to get contact arrangements sorted, he tests my resolve on everything, pushes the buttons and boundaries and changes things that he's agreed to previously just for the sake of things.

You do know he is stuffed, it is not up to him to decide, you can dispute the house valuations,. he does not seem to understand the judge sorts it not him.
Stand firm stock answer is.. yep, let's get the judge to do that shall we.

Oh the judge can and will make him sell or remortgaged, as if he delays too much like 12 months after financial settlement sorted , you can be given the house to sell if he won't, so you can get your share....
Have you left the house? If so ask the Child Support to go after his wages... Now.

Hi just thought I would let you know that he has sent through another offer but my solicitor says it is not right, he has dropped the pension share to 35%, dropped spousal maitenance, and taking half his share options out as well, so she has advised i see the mediation people we used for contact but with the view to going to court, my solicitor bill has just gone over the 10K. My parents say to keep going and not drop the case. I hope they are right, because it is a risk still that the court could offer less than what he is offering and I will have a huge bill to pay. Although I do have a court order already for him to pay some of my costs, as I started the petition. What a mess.

I have just finished Solicitor led Shuttle mediation that took place at a neutral solicitors. The mediator was a trained solicitor. This proved very successful and a deal was made. There was no face to face with the ex which would have been very stressful. Having done this i will no longer need to go to the FDR.

How is that done, do each party's solcitior and an impartial sit down and discuss what is best for both parties? I have made an appointment for next week to discuss with the people that did the contact, but I know my ex is away on business.

In my case the mediating solicitor went into each room and listened to each others demands and then discusses it with the other side. Slowly he brought the deal into some middle ground that we could agree. They will always have an eye on costs that if you can't agree and it goes to court the costs shoot up. The mediating solicitor also gave advice on what has happened in recent local divorce cases etc. For instance where spousal maintenance for life has started to be awarded again having had years of moving away from that.

The point to remember is that whilst most people can resolve finances without legal action and even without mediation, some people can’t. If one or both of you are unreasonable then it will end up in court where a judge decides and the costs for both parties rise. There is little point spending a lot of money to fight over not a lot of money.

Good negotiators always try to find a win win and always try to avoid a lose scenario for the opposite party. That’s because the lose scenario makes people dig in. They have nothing to gain. See Brexit negotiations for evidence of this. Equally poor negotiating is that where people bluff and bully, again see Brexit.

Unfortunately lots of people in divorce cases go for lose scenarios or try to bluff and bully. If that is what he is doing just don’t get sucked in. He is not your adviser and he is not on your side. You just acknowledge his offer. Do not reply immediately or in an emotional state. He is probably just trying it on or trying to wear you down.

Think about it and take your time doing this. Then give your answer, and explain what you want. Don’t itemise it. Just stick with %. It is not his business what you spend it on. You basically want as big a lump sum as possible to get a mortgage, pay fees and furnish a home. But so will he.

Your solicitor will tell you if you are asking too much. They will tell you when to settle. They will tell you when to go to court.

That is what has now happened, he says i want it all and that there is not enough money to go around, but he as the capacity to get a much higher mortgage. He has increased his lump sum amount but taken the rest out, so not much of the pension, no spousal maintenance , no % of his company shares which are due to mature,, just basically a lump sum and maitenance for our son.
However I literally have £1000 to my name, I earn a pittance, he has stopped my physically working and progressing onto a new career, I have a training appointment fixed for next few weeks to go on a training course for 18 months on job experience, the interview at college is in the half term, he was all for it and now he's changed his mind, so i have to fund the nursery or school holiday camp to cover the time so that I can keep this meeting. He blocks every move or changes the direction or changes his mind, but blames me as i want the divorce.

Today I went out the door a 8am and got back at 6pm, I didn't pick my son up for the first time at school today, he had to go home with a friend and play which he enjoyed didn't want to come home, that's great but what is his dad doing having a man holiday on his own somewhere in england.