Husband wants me to leave

[manandbeast]

Hi all,

I will be totally honest, though I know i will likely get flamed.

I had an affair and I want to leave my marriage (though not for the other man). My husband is a good man, didn’t deserve this, but not always been a great husband - v unsupportive with kids, got us into a lot of debt and very very moody and angry. Nevertheless I know my actions are wrong and have caused a lot of pain.

My kids are 16 months and 7 yrs.

My husband is saying that because I am choosing to leave I should leave the marital home.

I’m suggestion we rotate our time in the home 50:50 or both move out to new places and share cars of kids 50:50.

I’m worried that if I move out of marital home it will feel to the kids that I’ve abandoned them... I’m worried this might have awful affect on their mental health.

I think my suggestions protect them a bit from the sense they have been abandoned.

My husband says I am abandoning them and I need to face up to it.

I love my kids so much, more than anything in the world and I don’t want to leave them - but I do want to leave their father.

Does anyone have advice / experience of a situation like this?

I guess my main questions are:

Would be leaving damage the kids?

Should I go? I don’t want to hurt my husband more than I have already but I do want to be free.

I know I deserve to be flamed but also hoping there might be some balanced advice out there for me.

I earn a decent salary but not a high earner. I earn a little more than my husband. I could afford to take it over in my own but that’s the outcome he doesn’t want - I get the house, the kids (albeit 50:50) and he loses (as he sees it).

Don’t move out.
Relationships break down. Infidelity really hurts. The only thing that matters now is the children. I’ve got way too much experience on the impact that of hostile relationship breakdowns have on children.
Whatever happens I would urge you and your STBEx to do everything you can to work together for the benefit of your children who are shared and loved by you both.
This morning I read this - it might interest you.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/16/five-lessons-having-an-amicable-divorce?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

What would happen when he has a new partner?

Smallereveryday - I agree that men / women do tend to be treated differently wrt affairs. Both on mumsnet and in life.

I would say your suggestion is something I’ve been thinking about - and really the best for our boys - but perhaps not practical financially.

manandbeast if you earn more, then a shared house would result in you paying more.

A clean break would be better for you. If you believe he is definitely not going to accept you keeping the house. You need to decide if you are going to fight for it, or want this done quicker.

Can he even afford a house big enough for him and the kids for his time?

Again, if you idea of sharing the house moves forward what would you do if you dont want to live at your dads. Can you afford your own place and the costs of the family home?

Bagpuss - when he has a new partner will be still share care 50:50 do you mean? I can’t answer for him but I would have no problem with a new partner of his. I’d be happy for him, as long as she was kind to my kids. My dad had a new wife (several actually) who was awful to us - really scary, so I’d want to protect them from anything like that... but tbh if he met someone I’d be happy for him.

@smallereveryday again that idea works for a while.

But what happens when one parent wants a relationship? Does the new partner move back and forth every week? Does the new partner only stay over when it's the parents week in the other property. What about if the other parent doesnt want their ex and new partner staying over in the shared properties.

Again, it's a great idea. Just not realistic long term.

The 2nd sharrd property.......would your husband be happy finding out that you have had OM in another shared property on your week off?

OP, I have been trying to dance round this.

Are you planning on moving to your dads, but then in with the OM and living with home on your 'off time'

I don't think a court would go along with what he wants if it's clear he's only trying to punish you.
Don't worry about trying to be 'amicable' if he's being unreasonable.

I do have experience of what you are suggesting BTW.
It didn't work well.

My ex would go through all my stuff and be nosy and tell neighbours etc I had abandoned the children.
When actually I had gone to stay away for the weekend because he had no other way of seeing the DC.

He would let them trash the place and leave dishes out until they went mouldy.
I thought that was bad enough.
But when it went to court he produced photos of this mess and said I was responsible for it.
Court didn't care so I didn't argue it.
But it felt like such an invasion and a deception.

I don’t know.

He’s going away for a month with work as of next week.

I wonder if he might have a chance to process while he’s away & whether that might mean he’s open to better conversations about all of this.

To be honest I’d love to stay in this house but I’m certain he won’t let me / will fight that outcome (which I understand).

So I think both of us moving into smaller rented properties (locally) and renting out our marital home is likely the best outcome. Think rent would cover all mortgage and bills.

Thank you everyone for your advice. And the link Heidi.

French - sorry I’m crap at subtlety! No I’m not planning to move in with OM. We are currently not together. I need to resolve my situation independently of his influence and of over time it works out, that’s ok. But I’m not factoring him into my decisions going forward.

But your points about me staying w my dad indefinitely are right... it’s not workable.

if over time

If you're the one who wants to break the marriage up, it doesn't seem fair that he should have to leave his home and children. On the other hand, the children need their mother and it can't be right that you leave and they suffer. Society looks very badly at mothers who leave their children.

Either you have to stay, but live separately in the same house (separate bedrooms, separate lives) or you leave and take the children with you.

Or you could file for divorce. You'd have enough grounds, I'm sure. And the house is sold. It's just not viable for either of you to live there long term.

I would not leave. Go to a solicitor and find out your rights.

If the house has to be sold, so be it.

Get legal advice before you do anything. He can’t make you leave and you can’t make him do the 50:50 arrangement. He would have to be fully on board with that for it to work which he isn’t.

I thought of every possible scenario when I was separating but exh wouldn’t agree to any of them. We went to court in the end and had to sell the house so we could both move on.

You can start divorce proceedings while living in the same house if you have to. Then all the financials and living arrangements can be decided alongside.

The affair is irrelevant btw.

Surely you would be better off selling the house to clear the debts? If you’ve got a baliff wanting 16k they aren’t going to let up.
The debts might be his doing but they are martial debts and belong to both of you.
To be honest this would be my concern before even starting looking at divorcing?

How can 50/50 be workable if he goes away for a month for work?

It's not about an affair that's over its moving on from there, the house needs to be sold and split after paying off the marital debts no point hanging on to an asset with debts hanging over you

@manandbeast no it's my fault. I didn't want to out and out ask.

But it was just easier in the end

That a good plan. Dont factor OM in.

Theres 2 ways to go. Fight him on the house. Which will drag it out. Or let it go. Neither option is great FWIW.

I am not telling you to move out. But I will tell you my story.

I moved out. Lived with my parents. It was awful living with them again. I sought legal advice from several places because my ex was abusive. The concern was that it would be seen as a play to get majority custody as it took me a while to move out after he attacked me. I had no proof at all.

Long story short, we sold the family home and I bought a house myself. The kids have slowly opted to stay with me more. I moved 20 minutes away from where they were before and the kids are thriving. The youngest recently moved school. All the things people say will upset and disrupt the kids, made my kids thrive.

We are a happy little family. I have minimal contact with the ex as hangovers go through school. I drop them off and he picks them up for his days. Exh tried the 'your mum has abandoned you're. He even tried 'your mum left for someone else'. Which I didn't. I am with someone now, but I didn't meet him until after I left and didn't get with him for another 15 months.

I remained dignified and explained clearly to the kids what was happening. I explained me and their dad didn't love eachother anymore but that didn't change eachother how much we loved them. I always answered their questions and made lots of time with them. I did take a leave of absence for 6 months when i moved too. I also changed jobs and got one that was that had some flexibility.

What I am saying is, that although something may go against the standard advice. I believe is more about how you handle it. I have remained calm to the kids. Even though it's been awful. The kids slowly asked for extra days with me and here most of the time. They had met dp, as he was a relation of my best friend and knew him as 'auntie I'm relative. We dated a while before I told them we were dating and was all slow at their pace. They really like him and always ask if he will be at mine.

Exh, however, showed them his anger at first, tried to twist the story. He then calmed. But he met someone and 3 months after dating moved house, again, and moved in with her and her 2 kids. He didn't put the kids first. He is much better now. He doesnt pull this stuff. But it has impacted the kids and his relationship with them.

But they have had one parent, supported by the most amazing best friend and best friends mum, that have stopped this destroying them.

French.

Thank you so so much for sharing your story.

And well done for coming through something so awful with such strength and dignity. You sound amazing.

You have helped me more than you will realise.

Can I just ask 1 question? How old were your kids when this happened?

5 and 13.

If you were to share the house, particularly while you don’t even sound like you get on, you’d undoubtedly have arguments over the years about things (new relationships and partners becoming more involved, bills, maintenance etc) and it wouldn’t be healthy for the kids. It would be better to have a clean break, split and sell the house and buy something totally separate from each other.

You’ve both been dreadful in the marriage, time to move to a calmer place for the children’s sake. Nobody wins in this, everybody loses.

The woman that gave birth to me did this...i was 8 months...wouldnt recommend. She kept visits up for a brief time and then never came back. When i found her at aged 16....she said she didnt come back because the last time shed seen me, she held her arms out for me to go to her but i turned intowards my Dad and held onto him. She said it hurt her to see i was confused and upset and didnt want tk cause me more upset and feelings if being torn which she happening.

Dont leave the house. Hes angry with you and wanting you to be punished. Its hurt.
Look to mediation. Speak to a solicitor so you have back up.

This is about the kids now. Not him and not you

WheelyCote that's a totally different situation.